A hard day yesterday

Morning Scorpion0x17

Many, many thanks for taking the time to reply with honesty and also apologies for the rawness of the my post that may have opened up some old wounds for yourself. This was not my intension to cause others pain due to my selfishness of being so self absorbed in myself. All I can plead is sheer desperation of  the longing to be able to divert my attention to the want of life rather than the ending of the one.

A little about my dysfunctional family. My parents split when I was 13. My mother took myself and the twins age 3 to a different part of the country. It was certainly a wise choice by the two adults to split as it was extremly violent and twisted, both adults to blame. My mother's Mum soon joined us, about the only adult I really ever remember truly loving myself and siblings and myself in turn only really ever admired and adored and I like to say loved as she gave me a glow and warm feelings. The twins have never seen to this day my father, initially due to the poision my mother spewed, however just as equally my father didn't try as hard as he should. The realtionship between my mother and I is a volatile one, to the extreme of we've spent more time not talking than talking, it's been 5 years since we last spoke and I have no intensions of contacting her as my life as complicated as it's been I had to decide the pro's and con's off having her in my life. Unfortunately, I've decided it's far kinder to us both to not be in one anothers life. My brother also does not talk to her or his twin for about 3 years.  My mother has always favoured his twin sister and the boy she had to the man she used after leaving my father. My daughter is close to my brothers twin and occasionally when my mother chooses to she will have some interaction with my daughter. My Nanna, (mothers mum) died some 18 years ago. So, that's my family my daughter, brother and me, my daughter having the added bonus of my sister and mother.

I whole heartly know the importance of a family, due to the lack of not having a close one, other than how I've explained it above. My daughter and brother have been very fortunate to have very loving partners with extended loving families that have accepted and welcomed them with open arms and made them a part of their family. I cannot express how truly thankful I am for this, as both my daughter and brother really do deserve the love that they are now surrounded by.

I feel like my unrational thinking of not needing myself around was/is due to the fact of their extended families. My daughter was an only child, which I raised on my own. I got sterilised when she was 6 as I found it so hard. I know I love her with all my inner being and strength, but found it incredibly hard to express. Up till her teenage years I bought her love, I couldn't go to her parents evenings, or friends parties anything that involved being social. Don't get me wrong I found ways, like her being accompined by another parent and such, but she did miss out on her mum being by her side. Once she started high school, I focused on getting her ready for when she left school of becoming independant. I made alot of mistakes along the way, as we all do, but I tried my best.

The findings of me being an Aspie has given us both alot of answers. As I said to her, it by no means excuses my behaviour at times, but at least we both have answers now to why things were the way they were at times. I know back then, 21 years ago, I still would off gone undiagnosed, however I do feel angry that if someone had known, maybe things could of been different. But I know as much as I do dwell on the past, I cannot change it and need to concentrate on the futre armed with the information I now do have.

She has took to motherhood like a duck to water. It's beautiful to see, the sheer thought of it makes my eyes water. She will have a big family, I have no doubt about that she has so much love to give her daughter, she seems to find it so easy to interact with her. I on the other hand, get silly excited when we arrange to meet up. Whilst I'm either driving to hers or waiting on her to come to mine I get very nervous and anxious and feel like that as soon as I see them I carn't wait to give them a hug. I'm not a hugging person, and unless invited I find it irritating and extremly awkward and an invasion of my space, and yes that's even by nearest and dearest. :-( I forget this until I'm approached for one. But I always feel like this is what I want to do with them and never let go when I get to see them, but what do I do, I shower them with smiles instead. After a short while I do force myself to cuddle my grand daughter and it's nice when she smiles it makes me smile. My daughter normally gets her hug when I leave. My journey home then normaly entails of me beating myself up for not being able to interact better with them. It's all very exhausting and drains the life out of me and instead of leaving me with the excited feeling when I was en-route to them I feel dissapointment in myself that I didn't try hard enough, when in reality I'm sure I did my best.

Apologies for the length and detail of my reply, but I'm trying to explain my irrational thinking of why I keep coming to the conclusion that I'd be better of out of their lives. It's not that I want to, as in some weird twist I feel like I'm not in it enough and often get angry at the amount of time both my brother and daughter spend with their now extended family and how little with me. I know, total contradiction's, on one hand I appreciate the space they give me but another I don't feel wanted, needed or loved by them, even though deep down I know they do. But I do tend to self torture myself, always been good at that.

I guess the above is to explain I do understand the importance of a family other than parents.

In reguards to your last two paragraphs. How did you and where did you find the erm? answers? to be able to understand yourself and life to be able to make it better? As for as remember I've always longed for to find peace in myself, to be happy and to be loved for whom I am. I feel very, very frightened about living the rest of my life without ever finding true love and spending life on my own, it scares the *** out of me if I'm honest. But on the other hand the jobs I do once I'm finished I feel like all I need is to recharge my batteries as I work with the public so much. I know I have too much going on, but with the current climate I have to. I teach pole fitness, I run my own fitness class not pole associated, I do joinery, painting and decorating when the work comes in. I aslo work part time in a farm shop in the cafe side, I also make querky bird houses and hedgehog houses for the farm shop I work at. I know it's far too much going on and it's extremly hard to focus on it all, but I have no choice if I want to survive and pay bills. But it all leaves me exhausted as your last paragraph states.

I'm over kind, because there is so many people I have to work alongside such as the fitness side, I have to motivate them, usually 9 to a pole class and upto 16 in my own fitness class. So obviously I get to know these people, I've gone through life that I could be sat on a bus next to a stranger and they seem compelled to tell me their darkest secrets without even asking for the information. So when they share sadness or happiness, I feel it like it's my own. This drains the hell out of me. So yeah I'm totally aware of the empathy and senstive side.

Apologies Scorion0x17 for the length of my reply, but I'm trying to explain my way of thinking as not been such a rash one, but just as equally the importance of my way of thinking of how important I know it is I should get rid of the negative feelings I have.

I really do hope I have made some sense.

Thank you for replying to me.

Morning Scorpion0x17

Many, many thanks for taking the time to reply with honesty and also apologies for the rawness of the my post that may have opened up some old wounds for yourself. This was not my intension to cause others pain due to my selfishness of being so self absorbed in myself. All I can plead is sheer desperation of  the longing to be able to divert my attention to the want of life rather than the ending of the one.

A little about my dysfunctional family. My parents split when I was 13. My mother took myself and the twins age 3 to a different part of the country. It was certainly a wise choice by the two adults to split as it was extremly violent and twisted, both adults to blame. My mother's Mum soon joined us, about the only adult I really ever remember truly loving myself and siblings and myself in turn only really ever admired and adored and I like to say loved as she gave me a glow and warm feelings. The twins have never seen to this day my father, initially due to the poision my mother spewed, however just as equally my father didn't try as hard as he should. The realtionship between my mother and I is a volatile one, to the extreme of we've spent more time not talking than talking, it's been 5 years since we last spoke and I have no intensions of contacting her as my life as complicated as it's been I had to decide the pro's and con's off having her in my life. Unfortunately, I've decided it's far kinder to us both to not be in one anothers life. My brother also does not talk to her or his twin for about 3 years.  My mother has always favoured his twin sister and the boy she had to the man she used after leaving my father. My daughter is close to my brothers twin and occasionally when my mother chooses to she will have some interaction with my daughter. My Nanna, (mothers mum) died some 18 years ago. So, that's my family my daughter, brother and me, my daughter having the added bonus of my sister and mother.

I whole heartly know the importance of a family, due to the lack of not having a close one, other than how I've explained it above. My daughter and brother have been very fortunate to have very loving partners with extended loving families that have accepted and welcomed them with open arms and made them a part of their family. I cannot express how truly thankful I am for this, as both my daughter and brother really do deserve the love that they are now surrounded by.

I feel like my unrational thinking of not needing myself around was/is due to the fact of their extended families. My daughter was an only child, which I raised on my own. I got sterilised when she was 6 as I found it so hard. I know I love her with all my inner being and strength, but found it incredibly hard to express. Up till her teenage years I bought her love, I couldn't go to her parents evenings, or friends parties anything that involved being social. Don't get me wrong I found ways, like her being accompined by another parent and such, but she did miss out on her mum being by her side. Once she started high school, I focused on getting her ready for when she left school of becoming independant. I made alot of mistakes along the way, as we all do, but I tried my best.

The findings of me being an Aspie has given us both alot of answers. As I said to her, it by no means excuses my behaviour at times, but at least we both have answers now to why things were the way they were at times. I know back then, 21 years ago, I still would off gone undiagnosed, however I do feel angry that if someone had known, maybe things could of been different. But I know as much as I do dwell on the past, I cannot change it and need to concentrate on the futre armed with the information I now do have.

She has took to motherhood like a duck to water. It's beautiful to see, the sheer thought of it makes my eyes water. She will have a big family, I have no doubt about that she has so much love to give her daughter, she seems to find it so easy to interact with her. I on the other hand, get silly excited when we arrange to meet up. Whilst I'm either driving to hers or waiting on her to come to mine I get very nervous and anxious and feel like that as soon as I see them I carn't wait to give them a hug. I'm not a hugging person, and unless invited I find it irritating and extremly awkward and an invasion of my space, and yes that's even by nearest and dearest. :-( I forget this until I'm approached for one. But I always feel like this is what I want to do with them and never let go when I get to see them, but what do I do, I shower them with smiles instead. After a short while I do force myself to cuddle my grand daughter and it's nice when she smiles it makes me smile. My daughter normally gets her hug when I leave. My journey home then normaly entails of me beating myself up for not being able to interact better with them. It's all very exhausting and drains the life out of me and instead of leaving me with the excited feeling when I was en-route to them I feel dissapointment in myself that I didn't try hard enough, when in reality I'm sure I did my best.

Apologies for the length and detail of my reply, but I'm trying to explain my irrational thinking of why I keep coming to the conclusion that I'd be better of out of their lives. It's not that I want to, as in some weird twist I feel like I'm not in it enough and often get angry at the amount of time both my brother and daughter spend with their now extended family and how little with me. I know, total contradiction's, on one hand I appreciate the space they give me but another I don't feel wanted, needed or loved by them, even though deep down I know they do. But I do tend to self torture myself, always been good at that.

I guess the above is to explain I do understand the importance of a family other than parents.

In reguards to your last two paragraphs. How did you and where did you find the erm? answers? to be able to understand yourself and life to be able to make it better? As for as remember I've always longed for to find peace in myself, to be happy and to be loved for whom I am. I feel very, very frightened about living the rest of my life without ever finding true love and spending life on my own, it scares the *** out of me if I'm honest. But on the other hand the jobs I do once I'm finished I feel like all I need is to recharge my batteries as I work with the public so much. I know I have too much going on, but with the current climate I have to. I teach pole fitness, I run my own fitness class not pole associated, I do joinery, painting and decorating when the work comes in. I aslo work part time in a farm shop in the cafe side, I also make querky bird houses and hedgehog houses for the farm shop I work at. I know it's far too much going on and it's extremly hard to focus on it all, but I have no choice if I want to survive and pay bills. But it all leaves me exhausted as your last paragraph states.

I'm over kind, because there is so many people I have to work alongside such as the fitness side, I have to motivate them, usually 9 to a pole class and upto 16 in my own fitness class. So obviously I get to know these people, I've gone through life that I could be sat on a bus next to a stranger and they seem compelled to tell me their darkest secrets without even asking for the information. So when they share sadness or happiness, I feel it like it's my own. This drains the hell out of me. So yeah I'm totally aware of the empathy and senstive side.

Apologies Scorion0x17 for the length of my reply, but I'm trying to explain my way of thinking as not been such a rash one, but just as equally the importance of my way of thinking of how important I know it is I should get rid of the negative feelings I have.

I really do hope I have made some sense.

Thank you for replying to me.