Good Morning all. I shall try to keep this brief.
I'm a 39 yr old female. I've always been interested in the mind as I felt like mine wasn't quite the same as others. In May quite by accident I came across the fact that I have Aspergers. As I say I was NOT looking for myself or anyone else it was by pure chance.
At first it felt like that floating jigsaw in my head I tried so hard to complete just kept un doing nd floating, but in an instant I could see all the pieces just start connecting and there before me was the completed puzzle.
It was a relief, I had answers that I thought I was going to go to my grave never answered.
Now 6 months on, I have no hope. It's amazing how such a word helps us survive. Hope. Now my hope is dashed and I see no futre.
Yesterday, I had two most difficult conversations I've ever had in life. I spoke to my daughter and brother about I now am so tired and just want the pain in my brain to stop, I want peace and quiet. I said that I had been looking into going to the Dignitas house in Sweden in the New year.
I didn't talk to them for sympathy. I want understanding. I've tried many times in my life to take my own life. The last time about 6 years ago I promised my brother I wouldn't do it again. I've considered it over the time, but I kept my promise. Because I had hope. I have no hope now. Just a futre of questioning all I do. All everyone else does. No trust. No love. That's no life.
I've always been the person I'm either up or down. No inbetweens. I've spent most my life down. But I had hope. Hope got me back up. Hope got me to want to fight and survive. But my hope is dashed. Just a futre of this is how it is get used to it.
I've again promised my daughter and brother I will go see the doctors and try to find some help in coping. My brother says I'm no doctor to self diagonise. True I'm not. But I don't need to be told. I've never been as certain about something in my life as this. The more I read the more it keeps smacking me in the face with a sledge hammer. The more answers I get to things from my past. The reality of my futre being so dim.
I think my daughter understands my pain, as she lived with me for 16 years before she joined the army. The day she left is as raw today as it was that day 5 years ago. I've always been proud of her, she seems well balanced and has a zest for life. But the day she left I felt I no longer had a purpose in life. I keep telling myself since that day, I do have a purpose. Me. Again I had hope. The day she left school she told me, I need to start living life now for me. Oh I tried. I tried so hard. I even met a partner, moved in with him. Then left him. Same story of my life, always running away. Never really allowing anyone to get close.
Thing is when I become obsessed with things, oh thats exactly what I do, I become focused and obsessed and my life revolves around that obsession. Unable to concentrate on anything other than what I've chosen to become obsessed over.
Nearly 3 years ago I found pole fitness. I started at a pole school as well as buying my own pole for home. I as good as self taught myself from youtube videos and within 6 months I was doing things on a pole it takes most people 2/3 years to achieve. I was approached by the owner to start teaching. I did and within months I was doing more classes than all the other instructors put together. I had a focus. I've never had dance or gymnast background and it soon came to a point my pole journey slowed down due to flexibility needed. It angered me. It still angers me. As after I do the other day jobs I do to pay to survive I was too tired to train. Or not enough money or time to go to stretch classes ect.
My point is, I'd found another purpose in life, pole fitness. I'm lossing my mojo for it as I carn't put into it what I want. If 100% carn't be put into it then whats the point?
So now here I am, I feel like I'm coming out of the meltdown and darkness that has enveloped me for the past 4 months and feel somewhat calmer. Why? Because I can see an end, I see me sorting through things to an end. The end of my life. That's sad. I should want that zest for life as my daughter made me a Nanny this year, she's adorable happy funny baby. My brother had his first daughter also 2 months ago. She's been such a poorly litlle girl so far. But my brother has made me proud of his strength to support her and his wife. But like I said to him when he pointed out the new life of these two girls and I should be around. They don't need me. They have their parents, that's all babies need is their parents.
So, my question is, how do you find hope? I've set myself till my 40th on the 25th June to find that hope. If I carn't, I don't see an alternative. But an end. No more at war with myself. No more beating myself up. Just peace and quiet.
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