Help I'm struggling with life

Hello I like to start by saying that I think I have autism and I'm not sure. I went to the gp to ask for help but he looked at me and basically said we all think we're different and that's fine and said I would not meet the criteria to receive help. 

I'm a 26 y.o female from Wales. I work full time as a mental health nurse just newly qualified.  I find in work I'm always offending someone which not only makes me upset ( I stress about this for days following and it makes me nervous to even carry on) but is also putting me at risk of loosing my job and getting a record. I've been off sick too much since starting and I just don't know who to turn to exactly. 

Where to start exactly.. 

Throughout my whole like I have always been different. I don't know how exactly but I have been and have been bullied throughout my whole school years. I loved school. I loved learning especially sciences and I only seamed to be the kid studying at break and after. In collage and uni people were polite but distanced themselves from me. I've tried to make friends but never seam to be able to. If gone to social and sport clubs but people just move away from me. And the friendsiI do have I question if they are my friends as I feel that I'm always the one making contact, we never meet up and when I needed help (I've been genuinely homeless twice as I have no family) none of them even tried to help me when I pleaded and none checked up on me.

I can say for sure I have one friend. She however has been diagnosed with asd. And it's made me think maybe I have. Because in some ways we are so alike and she has been the only one to truly accept my quirks even tho we rip into each other for it. We always said we were in a group of the people who did not fit in any other group in school. We all had home problems of some sort. But maybe me and my friend had asd all along as we were the only two without mental health problems or family issues. We'll at least I think so. 

I guess this all started a few months ago for me, well me questioning myself that is.  I lived with this older guy. We were both doing our nurse training. I lived with him in my final two years of study. We got along being both gamers and having a dark sense of humour. He was training to be a learning disability nurse as his brother had sever autism. He always use to point out 'autistic traits' in me. Along with my sever dyspraxia resulting in me falling down the stairs or breaking things often he said to me that he wouldn't be surprised if I had it and he use to coach me whenever I had social issues. Throughout that time I had boyfriends and friends come over and had no issues. But I few months ago I started becoming serious with this guy and my flat mate started acting odd. One day I had my friend around as she been going through stuff so I said to her to sleep over as I was now not working full time and studying full time (80+hr weeks) I can afford to give that time to her. When she left to use the toilet he decided for what ever reason that he was going to make sexual advances that I did not forsee and would not take no for an answer. It was only for the fact that my friend came into the room after hearing me scream that he stopped.

I now live alone as no matter where or who I live with I always seam to be part of some negative experience. Unfortunatelyt tho I have seamed to attract dangerous people as my neighbour offered me £300 to clean his house after staying that he'd been watching me through my window and that he's attracted only to young women (he's 50). Thankfully I could see where this was leading so I've covered my windows with privacy film and told him if he spoke to me again I would call the police.

It just feels like I'm jumping from one situation to another and I have no idea how I get myself into these situations. 

To make things worse I have nl family. Having been taken into safeguarding shortly after my 18th for emotional abuse from my parents. It had been going on for years but my first boyfriend mentioned it so I decided to go for consilling in college for a neutral opinion or view on it and they moved me into supporting housing. If I was younger I would have had more support even up to this day. The woman I lived in the supported housing was really helped my with life skills such as cooking and finances but unfortunately was never able to help my social side. 

Now I'm alone and scared. I don't know who to trust and I'm scared of talking to my boyfriend about it Judy incase he sees how unworthy I am.

If I ask for a diagnosis and go for testing Ill have to let my employer know. This may cause me to permentaly loose my nurse career so if I get a diagnosis of asd what does this mean for my finances. Will I still be able to have a home, a car, be able to eat and save money for a holiday (I've never had a holiday and it's always been my dream to travel). But if it come back as I don't have asd then why do I always end up saying the wrong thing to people. What will people at work think of me... Will I still keep my job.. Will I ever make friends... What will my boyfriend do whichever the result will be. 

There's so many questions that I don't have answers for. 

Parents
  • Normally ideas come rushing to me and I try to help but I am frazzled right now so I apologise if this isn’t great. I do think you would befit from talking things out with someone. If your boyfriend loves you he’ll be there for you but if chatting to him scares you that’s fine, look elsewhere for that chat - feel free to message me and I can lend a listening ear if it helps. 

Reply
  • Normally ideas come rushing to me and I try to help but I am frazzled right now so I apologise if this isn’t great. I do think you would befit from talking things out with someone. If your boyfriend loves you he’ll be there for you but if chatting to him scares you that’s fine, look elsewhere for that chat - feel free to message me and I can lend a listening ear if it helps. 

Children
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