Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello I like to start by saying that I think I have autism and I'm not sure. I went to the gp to ask for help but he looked at me and basically said we all think we're different and that's fine and said I would not meet the criteria to receive help.
I'm a 26 y.o female from Wales. I work full time as a mental health nurse just newly qualified. I find in work I'm always offending someone which not only makes me upset ( I stress about this for days following and it makes me nervous to even carry on) but is also putting me at risk of loosing my job and getting a record. I've been off sick too much since starting and I just don't know who to turn to exactly.
Where to start exactly..
Throughout my whole like I have always been different. I don't know how exactly but I have been and have been bullied throughout my whole school years. I loved school. I loved learning especially sciences and I only seamed to be the kid studying at break and after. In collage and uni people were polite but distanced themselves from me. I've tried to make friends but never seam to be able to. If gone to social and sport clubs but people just move away from me. And the friendsiI do have I question if they are my friends as I feel that I'm always the one making contact, we never meet up and when I needed help (I've been genuinely homeless twice as I have no family) none of them even tried to help me when I pleaded and none checked up on me.
I can say for sure I have one friend. She however has been diagnosed with asd. And it's made me think maybe I have. Because in some ways we are so alike and she has been the only one to truly accept my quirks even tho we rip into each other for it. We always said we were in a group of the people who did not fit in any other group in school. We all had home problems of some sort. But maybe me and my friend had asd all along as we were the only two without mental health problems or family issues. We'll at least I think so.
I guess this all started a few months ago for me, well me questioning myself that is. I lived with this older guy. We were both doing our nurse training. I lived with him in my final two years of study. We got along being both gamers and having a dark sense of humour. He was training to be a learning disability nurse as his brother had sever autism. He always use to point out 'autistic traits' in me. Along with my sever dyspraxia resulting in me falling down the stairs or breaking things often he said to me that he wouldn't be surprised if I had it and he use to coach me whenever I had social issues. Throughout that time I had boyfriends and friends come over and had no issues. But I few months ago I started becoming serious with this guy and my flat mate started acting odd. One day I had my friend around as she been going through stuff so I said to her to sleep over as I was now not working full time and studying full time (80+hr weeks) I can afford to give that time to her. When she left to use the toilet he decided for what ever reason that he was going to make sexual advances that I did not forsee and would not take no for an answer. It was only for the fact that my friend came into the room after hearing me scream that he stopped.
I now live alone as no matter where or who I live with I always seam to be part of some negative experience. Unfortunatelyt tho I have seamed to attract dangerous people as my neighbour offered me £300 to clean his house after staying that he'd been watching me through my window and that he's attracted only to young women (he's 50). Thankfully I could see where this was leading so I've covered my windows with privacy film and told him if he spoke to me again I would call the police.
It just feels like I'm jumping from one situation to another and I have no idea how I get myself into these situations.
To make things worse I have nl family. Having been taken into safeguarding shortly after my 18th for emotional abuse from my parents. It had been going on for years but my first boyfriend mentioned it so I decided to go for consilling in college for a neutral opinion or view on it and they moved me into supporting housing. If I was younger I would have had more support even up to this day. The woman I lived in the supported housing was really helped my with life skills such as cooking and finances but unfortunately was never able to help my social side.
Now I'm alone and scared. I don't know who to trust and I'm scared of talking to my boyfriend about it Judy incase he sees how unworthy I am.
If I ask for a diagnosis and go for testing Ill have to let my employer know. This may cause me to permentaly loose my nurse career so if I get a diagnosis of asd what does this mean for my finances. Will I still be able to have a home, a car, be able to eat and save money for a holiday (I've never had a holiday and it's always been my dream to travel). But if it come back as I don't have asd then why do I always end up saying the wrong thing to people. What will people at work think of me... Will I still keep my job.. Will I ever make friends... What will my boyfriend do whichever the result will be.
There's so many questions that I don't have answers for.
I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I'm also 26 and I'm currently awaiting my autism assessment.
My GP was also unhelpful, so I got my assessment referral through the local NHS mental health service (I was already seeking support for anxiety and OCD). I don't know if this is an option for you due to your work, but I think some autism services take self-referrals. If you're unable to take either of those routes, I'd recommend getting in touch with the National Autistic Society helpline to see what they'd recommend.
In terms of telling your employer, my understanding is that you don't have to disclose an autism diagnosis - it's confidential to you. I also don't believe that you can lose your job due to an autism diagnosis; disability is a protected characteristic under the Disability Discrimination Act, so I can't seem them being allowed to dismiss you on those grounds. I don't know whether the rules around disclosure are different due to your job - perhaps Citizens' Advice Bureau would be able to advise?
I really hope you get the answers and support you're looking for.
So sorry to hear of what you’ve been through, especially that you were homeless twice, and that no-one gave you the support you deserved. We seem to definitely be vulnerable to being taken advantage of. So much of what you’ve said, resonates with me. I’d see a different Doctor, and ask for an assessment as your life IS being affected by this. I would keep any diagnosis to myself, and if you are on the spectrum, you would be eligible for support at least. By this, I mean you’d have access to therapies if needed, including a therapist to speak to about your issues, a social group with others if you wanted this. It would help in the future too, if you should ever experience burnouts, and you would then have financial assistance, and never have to worry about being homeless again. Supports like this can be crucial.
I get that you feel hesitant to open up to your boyfriend about these things, but depending on how long you’ve been together, and how close you feel to him, it seems sad that the one person who likely matters most to you, besides your female friend, can’t also be a support for you and be there for you emotionally. Communication is really important in relationships, even if its not one of the easiest things to open up about. You’ve achieved so much, and it’s pretty wonderful the field you’ve chosen to work in. It says alot about you as a person. Hope whether you go for a diagnosis or not, that you can learn some strategies to prevent you from accidentally damaging your relationship with co-workers in the future. Maybe learn to use key words or phrases that work in your favour. Nice to meet you and hope life gets better for you. We can accept who we are, but sometimes we need to work on altering how we come across to others, if we’re getting negative reactions in return. Acknkowledging these issues you’ve had all your life, is the first step. The 2nd step is accepting that Doctors don’t always get it right. Sometimes, it can be worthwhile to try a different Doctor. Also, make a list of the issues, bulletpoint form, to show that it truly is having an impact on your life, your work, your health etc.
Oh wow! I understand this attracting negative people. I cant always compute as to what to do and my brain freezes so well done, honestly. Theres been so many rubbish and scarey experiences in my life its ridiculous. I'm not formally diagnosed. I couldnt handle the stress of it. Just to say your not alone
Normally ideas come rushing to me and I try to help but I am frazzled right now so I apologise if this isn’t great. I do think you would befit from talking things out with someone. If your boyfriend loves you he’ll be there for you but if chatting to him scares you that’s fine, look elsewhere for that chat - feel free to message me and I can lend a listening ear if it helps.
Hi I am sorry to hear of your problems. Sometimes diagnostic tests don’t show for females the traits seem harder to detect. I am not sure if a diagnosis would help you at work, employers can become uncertain if they know that you are diagnosed and it can be more hassle than help from my own experience. It could help you understand yourself though. It’s good that you protected yourself from your neighbour, shows you have those skills and awareness. You have started on a good career as well. Sounds like life’s been hard for you so well done on coming so far already. You have just started in a respected career don’t lose sight of that. Don’t over focus on the diagnosis, although understanding your self is important it sounds as if you need to take deep breaths and calm and be kind to your self. This lockdown is testing for us all I think atm. Be safe.