Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello
I’m new and just wanted to introduce myself. I was diagnosed with Aspergers in March after a very long journey. A 49 year one actually so it came as a relief to finally make sense of a life of confusion or I could say always being confused about life.
As a female I have discovered through the diagnosis process that I had become an expert at masking and camouflage to the point which I came to in 2012 of complete nervous breakdown and not even knowing who I was. I went through many tests at hospitals as I was so unwell and eventually diagnosed with M.E or chronic fatigue in 2017.
Being so fatigued all the time I didn’t have the energy to mask anymore. I became seriously depressed and was referred to a clinical psychologist and it was during the sessions that she spoke to me about Aspergers and referred me for assessment. I was on a waiting list for 3 years but got there in the end.
Even though the last few years have been stressful and I have felt very lost at times. I do feel now that I understand myself better and why my life has been one of living in a state of high anxiety lost most of the time. Why I found running my own business easier than working for someone as I could control it, and why I usually feel like an atmospheric sponge after spending time with others and have to then recover for days or end up with a migraine. Why I am pedantic about everything and I mean everything and why I am absolutely always right Why relationships have always been full of misunderstanding and intensity. However on a positive note I got married when I was 42 to someone who accepts my quirky ways.
Anyway that’s probably enough for now. It’s great to meet you all and I am happy to share my experiences leading to diagnoses if it can help anyone else.
Hi, it was great to just read your message, thanks for writing it. I can completely relate to your experiences. I have just joined having just come to terms with the fact that I have Aspergers. The Covid lockdown and no longer having to do school runs or work meetings has given me the space to finally accept it and read other people's experiences. I am a 38 year old woman and started my own small business after being signed off work from a full-time job with 'Generalised Anxiety Disorder' and depression. It isn't easy but for me is a better option than being an employee in a workplace and having to wear a mask everyday. I work from home alone and can spend hours focused on one topic at a time in silence, which suits me perfectly.
When I first read about autism and Asperger years ago, I read that autistic people don't have empathy so I didn't think I possibly could be. I often feel like I have too much empathy and get deeply affected by other people's emotions. The TV documentary on Channel 4 a couple of years ago was what first made me realise there has been a lot of misunderstanding about autism from medical professions and I might be high functioning autistic/Aspergers. But being so busy and constantly exhausted, and scared of how people might react to me if they knew, I tried not to think about it (which didn't work...) I had also got so adept at masking/compensating that I lost touch with the real me through spending most of my life working so hard to 'be' what I thought I should be...
Now that I have some space to process my emotions around it all, I have been wondering if I should try to get a diagnosis on the other side of the Covid crisis, how difficult it is, and whether other people's experiences have been positive or negative. Or should I just continue without one but taking better care of myself along the way? I also think that my mum and sister are on the spectrum (but haven't had a proper conversation with them about it), and my 9 year old daughter may well be too. She is showing lots of the signs and has found school stressful in the past, although last year was much better thanks to a great teacher.
I am really keen to hear other people's experiences, especially from women getting diagnoses/realising they have autism. Thanks!
Hello Amanda,
I completely understand what you’re saying about the work situation. I’ve had jobs over the years that I’ve been so unhappy with, that I left. I always wondered why I didn’t seem to fit in. Example would be, I’ve worked on building sites, also other jobs where there are lots of workers, and I found I didn’t fit in. I felt like an outsider, everyone seemed so much more talkative than me, also they were always doing (banter) which I don’t like, or really understand most of the time. Basically I’ve mainly felt out of place with most of my jobs. And it’s not the job that was the problem, I found it’s the people I worked with. They caused me more anxiety than the job itself. So I too considered some kind of working from home. But about five years ago, I got a job that suits me, and the few people I work with are fine. One of which I get on really well with. It’s great because before I got the job I felt really anxious, and was starting to think I’m going to be someone that goes through lots and lots of jobs. I guess what I’m trying to say to others is, don’t give up. If you’re in a situation at the moment that isn’t suited to yourself? Then be patient, because things can change and get better
Hi Amanda Thankyou for sharing your story too. It is very similar to my own in many ways. I have struggled with anxiety my whole life and was also diagnosed with GAD although I now understand from having an Aspergers diagnosis why no therapy, of which I have had a lot of over the years has ever helped me as I was seeing people who weren’t specialised in helping those with Autism. I personally have found the diagnosis process a positive experience as I can now receive the right support. Also like yourself I am finding this lockdown beneficial. It has taken the pressure off needing to go out and the anxiety and stress that comes with it,
it’s so important I have found to have space to process emotions as you have discovered too. Having Autism can make the world a very overwhelming confusing place to be. I have also discovered that it makes us very unique too and incredibly gifted and sensitive in other ways.