Nearly 40 and in pain. This will probably end up being incoherent by the end. it usualy does.

I have no idea how to start this but here it goes,

For the past 13 years i have been looking after my mother who has mobility issues and requires care around the clock and up until 13 months ago also my father with COPD, as you can see from the previous statement i lost my father due to mesothelioma which i'm still trying to cope with.

About 10 days ago close friend who until now i had no idea had ASD witnessed me having what i thought was an anxiety attack and quite abruptly told me to speak to a doctor claiming he thought i had aspergers to which i made a complete fool of myself by saying he was out fo his mind but he went on and on pointing out things about me and asking me if i ever felt like this and that before confiding in me he knew all these things i've been hiding because he has ASD and understands what was happening to me specificly Asperger's. The conversation ended and I started researching as much i could and the more I researched the more I started finding I could relate to what i was reading/viewing. Please donot take offense when i say this scares the hell out of me (i shall explain why further below)

The turning point for me in this conversation was when my friend said this one line to me "How often do you question if you're the one going mad or is it just the rest of world?"  To which my reply was yeah try every day!

Today i had another as he called it 'Meltdown' as i've been obsessing over this conversation as I am almost 40 years of age and i have thought of myself as a bit akward and having anxiety (which i attempted to get treatment for was medicated for and i dont even want to talk about what happened) so have been living a life of convincing myself that my quirks were just because my anxiety levels were always elevated outside of the house thats until this friend made me take a good long look at myself and now i'm feeling totally overwhealmed all the time unable to think straight all my brain can do is recall events from my life so far and over analyse the living daylights out of it. Now back to the Meltdown this was while on the phone trying to explain this to the surgery to make an appointment with the doctor as i feel broken let me explain why.

I have always been a bit akward but at an early age found i could very quickly adapt and hide behind personas, put on a brave face type of person be petrified and not show it not even slighty or so i thought. I have of late though due to what i can only describe as a spike in anxiety levels post demise of my father that i started having these anxiety based outbursts usualy attempted to be disguised as humorous please laugh at me desperate comedic rants which i was using to try and hide when i couldn't take anymore of whatever triggered my anxiety in public of which i would feel ashamed and guilty of afterwards. At first these were extremely rare and i felt i had a good handle on things not anymore, now they are regularly and debilitating/exhausting. The last time i spoke to a doctor regarding this was when i was 18yrs old i was medicated and sent packing told you're just depressed so i never went back stopped talking the meds cos they made me sluggish and out of control. and whenever anyone tried to help me i would push them away saying i'm alright i just prefer my own company etc. I hated myself for not feeling like doing all the usual social things like going out etc i would take part but if i could worm out of it i would and then feel guilty and ashamed because i felt like i'd let people down.    

the turning point for me in this conversation was when my friend said this one line to me "How often do you question if you're the one going mad or is it just the rest of world?"  To which my reply was yeah try every day!

Now the confession/reason i'm terrified, this isn't the 1st time someone in my family has shown ASD traits and this is the part that is now tearing my apart inside, when another relative of mine mentioned it i instantly started ranting about labeling people is never good and what ever happened to just being socially akward like me? (and I know i deserve all the hate i'm going to get for it) and now i'm paying the price as i feel so guilty and foolish about it, i'm not sure how to describe it other than it makes me feel like a sociopath with a conscience. i feel like sometimes i question if i'm a sociopath and argue with myself that if i was why do i feel guilty when i'm occasionally selfish and self absorbed.

During the research I did i have made myself feel like i've spent almost 40years of my life lying to myself i feel humiliated and i have no-one but myself to blame and i don't know how to process it in my mind i feel like my brain is screaming at itself to slow down but it wont i find myself getting stuck in cycles of thinking and i'm exhausted trying to fend it off. luckily my surgery has made an appointment for me tomorrow but again i'm terrified that if i tell my doctor whats going on in my head right now he won't believe a word of it.

But i physically cannot continue to live like this so tomorrow i speak with my GP though even the thought of it is making me feel sick.