Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years and all has been well. We moved in together a year ago and as our relationship progresses it is becoming a little harder.
My boyfriend is confident and very sociable so I often forget he thinks differently about things and doesn't understand social expectations and rules.
We're at the point of discussing where we are going with our relationship as he admits he is very selfish and likes going out to see friends, gigs , holidays so I often feel he is so busy for us. He can't say if he wants marriage or kids because he can't see his life changing. He often stays at womens houses as he gets on better with them and although I know he would never do anything it plays against what I feel is a relationship expectation that it is not appropriate to be staying out at another women's house when you're in a committed relationship.
I'm a bit lost on what to do to help the situation without feeling like I'm doing everything he wants to do. I love him and don't want us to split up so any advice would be much appreciated.
Us aspies tend to mask our true personalities to give a simpler, more user-friendly interface. We tend to develop this mask in our teens as a shield against the chaos and unpredictability of growing up and dealing with NTs.
We grow to rely on this mask if it seems to get us through life. It partially defends us against bullies and users.
A relationship is a major change to normality and he may be having difficulty adapting his safety-blanket mask to incorporate a whole load of new elements in his life - you.
You need to be open, honest and straight with him so his extra lines of code are good, solid and reliable for him to build a model of you that works for him - and you. If you are fritzy, emotional and unclear in your communication with him, his model will get corrupted and he'll have difficulty dealing with you in his life.
You need to also understand that dropping the mask completely is incredibly difficult because most of us have been used and abused in the past so it takes a lot of trust before you see the real person.
If you're having difficulties, it's probably that he's reached the stage where he realises his mask is inadequate and he's trying to gather data to adjust to you.
Nice. this. Exactly. I would also like to add: As someone who is autistic, i had to make a conscious choice to be more receptive to my partners needs. There has to be some give and take.