Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi there. I don't want to offend anyone with this post but I don't know where else to ask. I am 53 and have met a new 'boyfriend' 6 weeks ago and to be honest he has touched me on a level so deep that I cannot begin to explain how I feel about him. However, from the beginning I realised that he seemed slightly strange and a couple of weeks ago he told me that he has high functioning autism. He seems to have difficulties recognising personal space and because of this my friends feel he is a letch I suppose. I know they are talking about him/us when I'm not there and I'm confused as to what to do.
I have to say that I am disappointed with myself as I thought I had a much more inclusive perspective but I am wondering if I am so worried about what my friends think am I really the sort of person my boyfriend needs.
I was wanting advice really about what I should do regarding going forward. I love him dearly but I also like my friends. I have tried explaining to some of them but they seem to think that I'm making excuses. Is it best to come up with a set of 'rules' that might mimic boundaries for him (like don't touch someone else's face) or is it best to forewarn my friends about such things or is it better to just let things happen as its who he is and apologise if needed.
He said the set of rules one but I feel really awkward saying this is what you have to do in this situation as it makes me feel really controlling which is not my normal way of doing things.
I'm confused and feel torn. If I could stay in a bubble with him it would be perfect lol
Hi Lyn1uk, it sounds like you have found something special & worth fighting for, so I'd say don't give up! One thing to note is that everyone is different, and this applies as much to people with autism as to those without. For instance, many people with autism can't bear human touch, whilst others crave it. Most people with autism though, I think, are much happier dealing with clearly-stated facts than hints and nudges. So rules work if they can be understood and internalised.
I have found (diagnosed, finally, yesterday by the way!) the so-called responsibility language really helpful for instance, for e.g. "When you do X, I feel Y" rather than "Your doing X makes me Y". So your boyfriend would possibly really appreciate if your friends said directly to him "When you touch my face, I feel uncomfortable" and that would probably be enough for him to "get it". If this direct conversation can't happen, maybe you could pass messages like this.
There is a straightforward answer to "How can someone not know something like that?", and it's that autism means that we have to use conscious effort to remember and implement social rules that others just absorb and play by subconsciously, and if we haven't consciously processed the rule, it might as well not exist. Ask your friends if they would be 100% confident that they would know how to behave in, say, North Korea, Saudi Arabia, Japan - choose somewhere they've never been and with a culture far different to those they're used to; they would need an explicit set of rules to play by just like your boyfriend does.
Hope this works out for you as it sounds really positive - keep chatting here!
Thank you so much. That makes it so much sense. I will have a chance to talk to my friends on Wednesday and I will use your examples. I have never felt like this for anyone else and after a chat yesterday we have both decided that we want to be with each other and will do what we can to stay together and make it work.