Hi there. Looking for support and somewhere I can ask questions

Thank you for that. We do chat a lot via message and I have found it quite useful. Also he seems to find it easier to talk more deeply if he doesn't look at me

Also, on a different point, I struggle to discuss emotional stuff and one thing that has been a big help in my relationship is to discuss things via text. I can write down things that I cannot say. Not sure if you will need it, but a useful tool to be open with each other.

Thank you so much. That makes it so much sense. I will have a chance to talk to my friends on Wednesday and I will use your examples. I have never felt like this for anyone else and after a chat yesterday we have both decided that we want to be with each other and will do what we can to stay together and make it work. 

Hi Lyn1uk, it sounds like you have found something special & worth fighting for, so I'd say don't give up! One thing to note is that everyone is different, and this applies as much to people with autism as to those without. For instance, many people with autism can't bear human touch, whilst others crave it. Most people with autism though, I think, are much happier dealing with clearly-stated facts than hints and nudges. So rules work if they can be understood and internalised.

I have found (diagnosed, finally, yesterday by the way!) the so-called responsibility language really helpful for instance, for e.g. "When you do X, I feel Y" rather than "Your doing X makes me Y". So your boyfriend would possibly really appreciate if your friends said directly to him "When you touch my face, I feel uncomfortable" and that would probably be enough for him to "get it". If this direct conversation can't happen, maybe you could pass messages like this.

There is a straightforward answer to "How can someone not know something like that?", and it's that autism means that we have to use conscious effort to remember and implement social rules that others just absorb and play by subconsciously, and if we haven't consciously processed the rule, it might as well not exist. Ask your friends if they would be 100% confident that they would know how to behave in, say, North Korea, Saudi Arabia, Japan - choose somewhere they've never been and with a culture far different to those they're used to; they would need an explicit set of rules to play by just like your boyfriend does.

Hope this works out for you as it sounds really positive - keep chatting here!

Lyn1uk said:

So maybe the rules thing is good. He has no difficulties recognising obvious sexual boundaries but it's the ones that can be misinterpreted such as moving someone's hair out of their face that he just doesn't see. He said that if no one tells him then how is he to know. My friends just say how can you not know something like that 

ASD as a spectrum disorder involves difficulties with social interaction, imagination and communication.

In a similar way some people will remove lint or hairs from other people's clothing.

Yes he said he didn't realise it was inappropriate as she had hair in her face and it bothered him so he moved it. He did notice her reaction though which he mentioned to me as he thought her reaction was strange as he felt he'd helped. We have agreed that I will help him with some simple rules that should keep him out of 'trouble'. He was quite isolated growing up and was bullied at school for being different. 

Some auties like hugs with people who are very close. Not with friends of friends though. It might be annoyance thing that hair is getting in the way. He might not fully think of it as touching. Concerning how can you not know, if he didn't get in a lot of social situations like this, he simply doesn't have an automatic subroutine for this. He simply might not realise it is touching.

Your resolution about being honest and straightforward is impressive. Try just puting a red line, explain what is unacceptable and why. He needs to build some internal logic that motivates him, so help him to create it.

I must say it sounds odd to be over-touchy. I cannot deal with anyone touching me and invading my personal space and I therefore avoid being touchy with anyone else. I don't like hugging people unless I am very close, so it sounds off to be over-touchy with your friends...

Thank you for your reply. I did speak to him about a couple of incidents with my friends where they felt he was innapropriately friendly. My best friend told me that the other members of the dance group I'm in were talking about him/us. It was really uncomfortable for me to talk to him about it but we have already decided on being 100% honest (something he seems to have to be anyway - I don't think I've ever met anyone so honest lol) but I was torn between running to my friends and leaving him as its probably going to be hard work at times and running to him and leaving my friends because he makes me feel so sort of complete. In reality I want both. So maybe the rules thing is good. He has no difficulties recognising obvious sexual boundaries but it's the ones that can be misinterpreted such as moving someone's hair out of their face that he just doesn't see. He said that if no one tells him then how is he to know. My friends just say how can you not know something like that 

I have no problem with being told what should be done. I appreciate it as it makes it easier for me than trying to figure it out for myself. I don't think he will mind some guidance on making things smoother. I am sure he will tell you if you go to far or he finds it too uncomfortable when you are alone together and chat about it, and indeed ask him if he is okay with it. Don't assume he is, as he will likely not show it if not.