Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello all,
I'm so glad to have finally found somewhere to discuss this.
My partner and me have been together for a couple of years, and we both feel he has AS. Both of us have siblings with AS and I have professional training and experience with people with this condition, plus his behaviours match up on online tests he's taken (though those things are a NIGHTMARE for literal thinkers like him!). We're in our late twenties and have discussed him getting a diagnosis for some time, but we're aware of the time/ effort/ chance of it not being recognised and we're not sure there'd really be any benefit for him or us. However, I'm starting to struggle a little.
I'm a very emotionally colourful person- enormously expressive and open- and I find his lack of emotion so challenging at times. There's zero affection unless I instigate it, though we have a relatively healthy sexual relationship. I can be crying and he'll just sit, blinking at me. He's never said anything emotional about me or our relationship, in terms of how much he loves me or how I make him feel. It's TOUGH, especially as I feel loved through words. I feel like we've tried everything, and bless him, he tries so, so hard to meet my needs, but having to constantly direct him in how to love me makes me feel I'm the only person in our relationship. We're both reaching a point of frustration and huge imbalance. I think he feels he irritates me all the time and is walking on eggshells. I find communicating with him so exhausting that I'm switching off, and I feel enormously guilty and responsible.
I've come to the point where I've realised I absolutely have to stop pushing him for things that are simply not in his repertoire, such as physical and vocal affection. He's tried and tried and just can't keep it up without reminding. I want to learn to love him as he is and stop focusing on my own void, but it's difficult. I have the most amazing relationship with my brother who has AS, and I'm the only person who can communicate well with him, but it's a completely different thing with a partner and strong emotions.
I don't feel I can talk to anyone else about this, as I worry people who don't understand would simply tell me to leave. I absolutely would never leave him. He's the most amazing man- kind, funny and intelligent. I just wish I had the skills to make him always feel that way, rather than the irritating little boy I probably make him feel at times. We're the best of friends and he's the absolute love of my life.
I wondered if anyone might have any advice, such as how to meet in the middle, or even how to learn to put my own needs, regarding affection, aside without feeling resentful. I'm already a very open, honest and direct communicator, but I feel we're so wildly different, that we're still not communicating well, and I'd love to fix that. I'd also like to add that I'm happy to be on this journey with him- people with AS have deeply enriched my life and my soul and I know that learning to navigate this will make our relationship, and me as an individual, infinitely stronger.
I'm so sorry this is is so long, and I'm so grateful if you've managed to read this and could offer any tips.
Sending love, thanks and best wishes.
I may be way off here - but it sounds as though you are very happy expressing 'love' in a very free and unbounded way - and you expect him to be the same.
The problem is your are expecting him to work with something that can't be defined. Love is an abstract concept - so how is he supposed to work out 'how much he loves you' or how can he demonstrate something with no measurable value?
You're asking him to supply a commodity that has no definable units.
He's confused and not understanding your needs because there's no manual or recipe for him to refer to.
You need to calmly chat to him about 'it would be nice if you did this when..... or 'I like it when you do this or that' to give him some tools and ammunition to work with.
I'm not sure if you've realised that we mask our true selves to give a pleasant user interface for our partner. This mask is often created in our 'teens and it works well for a good number of years.
Unfortunately, life gets more complicated as time goes by so our fixed operating system becomes outdated - and you are seeing the edges of his mask..
It's not that he doesn't feel exactly the same emotions as you - it's just he's unable to measure your emotions without more data being supplied so he cannot select an appropriate response fast enough to make it look natural. Imagine if he were blind - he'd be unable to 'read' you - same thing really.
Cut him some slack and, without putting any emotion into it, give him all the data he needs to work with you - sort of an 'inside track to your emotions' and you'll be surprised.
Communication is everything.
Agree with Plastic. I am still waiting for my wife to write me that manual on how to be romantic that I have asked her for. Having said that she has told me she sees my love in all the small things I do and how I look after her.
Take this as a positive. If he has told you he loves you he really means it, probably more than any NT saying it, and if you are both close and happy he will likely be far more faithful to you than any NT. Unfortunately you will probably have to get used to how he is. If you tried to change him and get him to be more romantic / open / chatty, you might find that in order to do that he has to generate a persona for you that is not him, which then causes anxiety and is draining and will then damage your relationship. An important part of a relationship is being able to be yourselves with each other.
Also, if he finds discussing emotions difficult as I do, try having conversations by text / email / letter. I can write things down that I cannot discuss in conversation with my wife.