Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all
I've just been diagnosed ASD at the age of 55 having really struggled all my life to fit in and many disastrous relationships! I went down the private route for the diagnosis as I just needed to know what was 'wrong' with me. However, I've had the diagnosis now for over two weeks now but still haven't told my family, including my husband. I didn't tell him I was going for an assessment so I just can't seem to find the words to tell him. Has anyone any words of advise to deliver this news without frightening him!!! My family has alway jokingly said to him that he needs a medal for putting up with me. I seem to want to tell. my family but my 'friends' are different. Some think I'm odd / outspoken / funny anyway so maybe it won't come as a shock but how do I start the conversation. I seem to be worried about letting the genie out of the bottle. Thanks for listening as feeling very lost with all this at the moment but at least a lot of my past makes more sense to me know so I'm hoping that the future will be a brighter place for me AND my husband .
I can completely understand your feelings of anxiety about this. I was diagnosed last year at age 45 and it has taken me a while to tell different people. My advice is to take your time and tell people when you are ready. Most of my friends and family have been incredibly supportive - mostly they have not known much about autism (apart from the usual stereotypes) so have just been interested in what it means for me. Also, it is worth stressing that autism is a) just a different way of perceiving the world and b) brings both strengths and weaknesses. It is not all doom and gloom. As you say your future will be much brighter but do give yourself time to adjust. I have had a year now since diagnosis and it is all making much more sense to me.
Remember that it is a journey for you to start with, I'm waiting for the diagnostic tests, you can now analyse things from your past and the pieces fit.
The other week I started to notice I would do "air drumming" when sat with my legs=Autistic trait. Wait, I have been doing that since my teenage years.
You can use what you can now recognise in you to say you are different and build up those things until you can say something like these are associated with a lifelong condition - Autism. see how it goes and then say that you have done the tests and been formally diagnosed.
This is how I feel about it and as I posted once others identify and then understand what it is then they become more aware and can then see little things in others that come from diagnosed/undiagnosed mental health conditions.
You and your husband have been together a while and he must see some things too so it may not be as hard as you think.
I was diagnosed 4 years ago at the age of 68. The reaction of my family has been 'we are not surprised', and they have been very supportive.
The diagnosis has made a huge change to me personally, as I no longer try to be the same as everyone else. As a result I am far more relaxed than I have ever been, and life is so much better.
I suggest that you embrace your diagnosis and accept who you are and don't worry about what others might think. Life is so much better when you let yourself be the person you truly are.
I'm not formally diagnosed but when I first talked to my partner about it, I showed him the list of behaviours or whatever it is and said, I have every single one of these, and he laughed and said of course you don't. It took a while to sink in I think and for him to realise that yes I did have all those things I just normally hide a lot of it. Then there was a time of adjustment as he said he felt like he didn't know me any more. We are much better now as I explain myself a lot more and he understands I'm not just being difficult. I havent really told anyone else, certainly not family, because I know they won't understand.
I'm recently diagosed too (female 40s) and was pretty wortied about telling family and friends. In fact though pretty much everyone has said something along the lines of 'yeah, that makes sense!'. Its not actually been an issue at all.
People i know less well (aka my boss) have been a rather different story though!
I guess id echo advice from others about explaining that its been about self-discovery for you and what it means for you and them. Maybe have some information handy they can read too if theyre interested?
I was diagnosed 8 months ago and still haven't told anyone in my family....
I seriously doubt they'll be surprised. I'd stick to just telling your husband first and let the dust settle. He'll have loads of questions and he'll need time to process the information.
Be careful with telling family - depending on the relationship, they can be very odd and may use it as a way of looking down on you.
Congratulations on taking the brave step to find out, I'm currently going through the same process...
I guess:
1. Tell them what you've been up to in terms of 'self discovery'
2. Explain why, and why 'now'?
3. Tell them the diagnosis
4. Explain what that means for you specifically i.e. not the standard 'media driven' stereotype view of ASD
5. Explain what it means for them - how they can help you, do/don't they have to worry about upsetting/triggering you?
6. Reassure them that you are still you - just better informed and better able to handle some of the things you used to (and still will sometimes) struggle with
Then I dunno... 'hug it out'? It rather depends on how you are...
I'm taking the 'up front & open' approach so by the time I get some kind of answer it'll be 'no news'...
Best of luck, let us know how it goes?
Oh honey - guess you must be feeling very anxious! As you say the likely hood is people will already know you are 'different'. Maybe just start by telling him you haven't felt yourself for a long time and thought it was about time you discovered why as you need to move forward so went for tests. I am guessing he will be relived to know there is a reason and you can start together from there.