New to all this

thanks i do love him, more than anything, but i wont lie im here for myself too as its not been easy especially recently due to life changes ,so i came on here in the hope of aleviating even a wee bit of my stress

ah yes meeting new people and trying to explain aspergers to them, not easy, even people you know don't always get it, sorry you went through that, but its all about learning eh, you just try to take some of what you learned and use it next time

we've come close over the years to breaking up, but we both want to be together it's not like we dont love each other it's just hard sometimes with each of our individual issues

melt downs are a new concept to me, i didnt realise he had them untill i thought about it and i can think of a few times i would class him as having one, tho back then we didn't know he had aspergers so it was tough 

at least now that we know it makes it easier to deal with them, i tend to just stay out his way till he calms down, or if he is stressed /upset not frustrated i just let him do what he needs to

its kind of a funny irony that all these years i was putting up with (and whinging about of course ) his obsession with computer games, and it turns out thats the one thing he can use to relax, so nowadays thats what i leave him to do

it doesn't leave a lot of time for me, but he makes up for that by just being him, loving me and lots of prezzies haha

i can tell you the same thing i have said since we learned it, before even, that hes the most interesting person i have ever met, and im sure thats the case with a lot of autistics and their other halvs, the way autistics view the world is , different, to how we nts do, and a good few of us appreciate that

Arabella said:

My latest strategy (a work in progress) has been to just go at my own pace and not feel guilty for doing so. I don't know about you but it feels like everything moves at a faster pace to me. It sometimes feels like drowning in the rapids of life.

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. I often feel like I'm a boulder sat in a fast flowing river.

(who said people on the spectrum can't do metaphor, eh?! :P)

Am I allowed to ask how old you are?

I'm 39, diagnosed about 2 years ago, male, and I live in Cambridge.

And screw whether I'm 'allowed' to post that or not.

Thankyou for replying to my message. I'm so glad that you're here on this site for the sake of your partner. You must really love him/her and I have a great deal of respect for you. I know from the things my mom has had to deal with that it'll no doubt be tough; then again having Asperger's or autism doesn't define a person, just like being a person of another culture doesn't define who they are. Everybody with Asperger's is different with a unique personality.

You're right about limiting exposure to stressful situations and as I said to Scorpion0x17, I'm trying to slow down my pace in life. I'd actually met somebody online, everything happened so quickly, they came to visit and even though I tried to explain about having Asperger's syndrome they couldn't quite grasp it. As a result I had a terrible meltdown and stopped contacting them. I think patience and understanding are definitely necessary attributes for a successful relationship in general, let alone with an Aspie. I hope it all goes well for both of you.

I gather that as you're in your forties and were only diagnosed last year that you're female? It would appear I'm not as alone as I thought. Thankyou so much for posting me the "Asperger United" link. This is extremely helpful and will be visiting this site after replying to a couple of messages. As I said to Scorpion0x17, it's a pity we can't disclose our real names and personal information otherwise I could have looked out for you in the pen pal section.

I also find nature very therapeutic. There amongst the mountains there's no stress, lonliness or irritation, only calm and peace. Do you think you'll get another rescue cat eventually? I got a rescue cat a few months ago and have have found her more helpful than a lot of professionals. Even down to having conversations with one another....if that makes sense.

Thankyou Scorpion0x17,

I already feel not quite as alone. I can't tell you what it means to me that yourself and others have replied to my message. I only wish we could use our real names and "create a network of friends" as you said. I suppose there's a lot of cruel remarks out there what with this so called "trolling" and maybe the not being able to disclose personal infomation is there to protect us. Even still, to have the option of meeting, making friends and forming local communities could be more beneficial than trying to protect us. At least this is better than nothing at all.

What you said about "allowing ones brain to reset" is VERY helpful. This advice is easier for me to visualize than the advice given to my mum and me at the assessment. They basically told her to just leave me to it until the meltdown had worn off.

My latest strategy (a work in progress) has been to just go at my own pace and not feel guilty for doing so. I don't know about you but it feels like everything moves at a faster pace to me. It sometimes feels like drowning in the rapids of life.

Am I allowed to ask how old you are?

Scorpion0x17 said:

Now, regarding meltdowns - I find there really is no way to 'cope' with them, as such - they're a product of one's brain becoming overloaded with stimulii, and the only way to deal with them is to find ones way to somewhere where one feels safe and the problem stimulii are no longer present, to allow ones brain to 'reset'.

yip, i think thats the same for my partner, get that safe place and wait it out

hi there arabella, its cool to meet you

well, here you are, introducing yourself so thats a big step and you are better off, cos you are here 

i havent got autism, my partner does, so its not something i understand from your perspective but when you say it can get lonely , that i get, its not easy dealing with it from either side and as an nt i've got my own issues as well as dealing with autism so it can be very lonely when you know no-one in your life understands it, but, thats what this sites for, you just come on and get it out here

all i can say about meltdowns is try to work out what causes them, if you don't know, and try to limit that exposure and or get used to it slowly

Hi Arabella.

I completely understand how you feel - I was diagnosed with Asperger's about 2 years ago, and am still struggling to get any kind of help or support.

However, I have found reading the posts here some help - if only because it tells me I'm not as alone as I sometimes feel.

The only thing I wish is that we could use these forums as a way to create a network of friends, but sharing personal information is not allowed, so that can not happen.

Now, regarding meltdowns - I find there really is no way to 'cope' with them, as such - they're a product of one's brain becoming overloaded with stimulii, and the only way to deal with them is to find ones way to somewhere where one feels safe and the problem stimulii are no longer present, to allow ones brain to 'reset'.