Newly diagnosed 19 year old daughter

Hi, It is very difficult for people with A/S to make friends and communicate with people or to fit in the way they want to.  You are not necessarily on the wave length of people around you and the tendency is to be directly or indirectly ignored.  You need to keep practising and learning from Neuro-typical people about social skills. If it helps, a group of us with A/S recently started a project to help us (an other people) make friends. it is a totally free site (no subscriptions or fees) for people with Autism. its called

http://www.autismfriendship.com

I hope it helps people make friends and talk about their struggles... 

Thanks so much for your insight. I also sat in my car reading a book for a week outside school once! I think the anxiety is definitely worse in the teenage years. An awful difficult time for them. Lots of luck to you guys too. 

Hello

My daughter was diagnosed with ASD this August just before her 20th birthday. Her symptoms were only obvious around her later years in Senior School, but a classic case of masking. We made our case to the GP, who took it seriously but the wait for an assessment via the NHS was unbearable and after a disastrous first attempt at starting Uni we needed her to be diagnosed quickly. So, we went private at a cost of about £900, it was worth it as with this diagnosis she has been offered amazing support from the Uni as well as getting DSA, but a lot of what was offered we didn't actually need.

So, we have the qualifications and now a chance at Uni, but like your daughter the anxiety is an issue that needs medication and is probably going to be a hurdle come employment. Keep trying and encouraging her, there are some really understanding employers out there who are happy to accommodate. My daughter was turned down by Tesco's ha ha, but found a job in a small shop who have bent over backwards to ensure she is ok. 

Please don't lose hope, there are some good local groups for support too, you might need to ask your local council for the contacts.I f you can manage to dedicate the time, we went out together, took photos, did jigsaws!! tried anything to distract from anxiety becoming a deeper more complex problem. Luckily the worst bit of the anxiety is over, but it never goes away and she is having therapy for her OCD .

Ask your local college for support with access to education, you may need to go with her , that's what we did when she started Uni this year - I sat in the cafe for a week reading a book!

Please ask your GP for some therapy if you think she is damaged from school, also check out any autism workshops in your area. I wish you loads of luck with everything. BTW, eye contact isn't everything. 

Sadly it's not unusual for autistic women of my age to get a diagnosis very late, or not at all. In the end I went round my GP, not through him, to get a diagnosis. Time is precious and a two year wait was far too long. 

I qualified as a social worker and worked with autisitic people in mental health services earlier in my career. I often seemed to have more insight into the struggles and challenges they faced than many of my colleagues - now I know why.  

The only person to recognise me as autistic and tell me this before my diagnosis was a service user I worked with at an autism charity. None of my colleagues there ever said anything to suggest I might be autistic! 

It is a sad indictment of our health and social care services that so many people (especially women) have to diagnose themselves as autistic before anyone else will give this possibility serious consideration. 

AQ and EQ schedules can be completed quickly and easily and should be standard screening tools where people present to GPs with persistent relationship, communication or employment difficulties, and mental distress. 

Oh my things sound bad for you right now. I really think you should see your GP - lay it on really thick - even maybe make out people around you think you may be autistic just so you can get an assessment. I’m not actually sure how the nhs thing works. We paid for a private assessment for our daughter. It was £450 so unless you can afford that there must be another way. Maybe you could ask someone on here. Personally I just felt surely my daughter can’t be this depressed and anxious for so many years without there being another reason. Knowledge is power. If you found out you can look at yourself in a totally different light.  A diagnosis for my daughter means she doesn’t have to feel so guilty all the time for not being able to live like “normal” people.  I expect you’re an intelligent person with so much to offer. You just haven’t found your thing yet. And remember you’re still a teenager and the anxiety will improve. My daughter is exactly the same worrying about what everyone thinks. Are you sure there’s no family member you can talk to? If not you must use this forum to get you where you need to be. Thinking of you xx

I am 19 myself and have been wondering if I have autism for a while I have been in nearly every anti depressant there is for depression and anxiety but I feel that something hasn’t been quite right from a young age I’ve always felt odd and felt like I have to try to fit in. I struggle to stay in any jobs as I end up having a breakdown after a few months which either ends in me leaving because I can’t cope or being sacked and is always put down to my depression. I really struggle with friendships and feel so alone so often. I feel like I have no one because I never know how to act in public I’m always anxious with every word I say that I’ve said something wrong and it’s absolutely crippling me. I also left school with no qualifications and I’m now living with no job no social life and being left to take sertraline to mask the problem which leaves me too tired to do anything. I’m not sure whether it could be autism or it genuinely is just depression and anxiety but it just doesn’t make sence. Every day is a massive struggle I dread leaving my house and seeing people. I can’t go out without feeling like everyone is staring at me or thinking negative things about me. This could be my anxiety? But I don’t know? I have no friends or family who I can talk to too about this and I know that if I go to the doctors it will be years of waiting and just as with my diagnosis of depression will likely be very limited help other than meds so I just wanted an opinion first. 

Oh my goodness. You write with such intelligence you smart girl. I’m tearing up here. In a good way. I’m going to re-read this several times. I pushed my daughter into school cos I didn’t know any different. I hate myself for it. And wished I’d home educated her. I have so many regrets. School nowadays is not a place for you sensitive clever souls. Quetiapine did allow my daughter to socialise better! That was the only positive. Sounds like you are managing well on it and able to be creative which is wonderful. Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. I’ll show my daughter too xx

Thanks so much for that I will definitely look into that. Oh my 58?! It’s not unusual though is it. But so not fair when you think you could have had understanding earlier. Keep talking and learning. Knowledge is power I’m sure. 

Hi - I've just joined as well and can really relate to your daughter; I got diagnosed when I was 15 (the week before I was 16) after a lot of mental health issues (and to be honest I have never heard of it going any other way for any other girls; every girl I know with a diagnosis had mental health issues first). The eye contact thing winds me up so much -- it's a barrier between so many people and the explanations they need and deserve. It's so ignorant and doesn't acknowledge that many autistic people, particularly girls (sorry for the generalisation, but it is true!) have learned to mask their symptoms in order to survive. I've been on quetiapine for four years following a comorbid psychotic episode, and whilst the side effects are rough and it hasn't helped with my weight problems, it has changed my life and I am able to cope a lot better; if I don't take it I soon know it! But I'm so sorry it didn't work out for your daughter. I don't think people understand how traumatic school is for autistic young people -- sometimes I get angry and very upset that my parents kept pushing me to go into school because it's left me with emotional scars that I don't think will ever heal, but I think that the way I dealt with things was also to push myself a bit too hard to go in; we all deal with things differently. I'm also still working on how I feel about being diagnosed; I still find it extremely hard and am trying to accept it, and it's only natural for this to take a long time, especially when you get a diagnosis when you're a bit older, so be prepared that your daughter might go through a sort of 'grieving process' and might find it hard to accept and be 'OK' with for a while...all you can do is listen to her and be there to support her, which it sounds like you're doing anyway.

In spite of everything, I'm now 22, at university (and while I have found a lot of things about being at uni difficult, my experience hasn't been compromised: I'm in my first term and have managed to get good grades and have a social life as well; I love partying! Living in halls is tough, but I have survived so far!) and I'm getting a short collection of poetry published soon: this sort of thing was impossible for me when I was your daughter's age. I was extremely ill and my life was very limited and I hated myself and didn't want to be alive at all. I don't know you or your daughter but please don't lose faith: there will always be pain but things can change for the better. What I would suggest you do is try and engage her in an activity that she enjoys: I was 19 when I got properly engaged in writing, which was something I'd enjoyed all my life, and out of luck I met the right people, made some incredible writer friends and mentors, became a published poet and now my life is transformed. I've still got a long way to go, but it's done absolute wonders for my self-esteem and it's given me an identity and a purpose, and it's a story I can tell people with a lot of pride. When you find something you truly love, it changes everything. I'm sure she has some incredible talents; as her mum, you can be her number one fan and, even when her low self-esteem is too much for her and feels she can't do anything, you can be the one who reminds her how special she is to spur her on. Reassure her that she's doing great and that you love her to bits. While she'll always have challenges like anyone with any disability, it's not going to be like this forever.

Much love -- my thoughts are with you both. 

Terribly sorry to hear what your daughter has had to go through. I found this free online module on autism in women and girls really useful: 

www.autism.org.uk/.../women-and-girls.aspx

If only more health and social care professionals would educate themselves about how autism presents in women. I have just been diagnosed with ASD at the age of 58 - I can remember how tough things were when I was your daughter's age and my heart goes out to her. 

I have found the resources produced by Alis Rowe (Girl with the Curly Hair) very useful too. These were recommended to me by my psychologist:

thegirlwiththecurlyhair.co.uk/.../

Terribly sorry to hear what your daughter has had to go through. I found this free online module on autism in women and girls really useful: 

www.autism.org.uk/.../women-and-girls.aspx

If only more health and social care professionals would educate themselves about how autism presents in women. I have just been diagnosed with ASD at the age of 58 - I can remember how tough things were when I was your daughter's age and my heart goes out to her. 

I have found the resources produced by Alis Rowe (Curly Haired Girl) very useful too. These were recommended to me by my psychologist.