Hello

Hi Everyone, 

I'm not entirely sure why it's taken me so long to get round to posting in here. 

I'm Dan, I'm 43 and I was diagnosed 2 years ago after a big episode of severe depression. I regard finding out I was Autistic as probably the most liberating thing to have happened to me. I made a conscious decision to stop masking and just be me. Since then my life with my family, wife, children, work and colleagues has got so my better.

I still have my bad days,but nowhere near what they used to be like simply because I've stopped trying to be something I wasn't meant to be.

  • Ah ok then yeah that makes sense, I am trying to do those 2 things but obviously isnt easy, im guessing it isnt meant to be , ive  in the past had people have a go at me for being selfish or not caring about how others feel in a situation or not taking into account how others feel, which is something i find difficult anyway but yeah, i dont mean to apoligise for opening up, been through a lot and its left me with the worry ive been talking too much or being selfish or something, something along the lines of narcissism but im learning , having more autistic friends like me would help, which i guess is one of the reasons im here :) 

    thank you for your kind words and listening to me and reading all i type , i do appreciate it :)

  • River, never apologise for opening up, it may not feel like it at the time but only good for you will come of it.

    My psychotherapist gave me a really tough time about 2 things.

    1. Being compassionate to yourself, allowing yourself to not always get things right but to try. but not to beat yourself up about it.

    2. Be more selfish, in the real sense as in thinking about what's right for you and your well being before you think about what's good for other.

    Keep talking to us we're listening :)  

  • Thank you for that :) it was nice to read, unfortunately i was not given free range to do what i wanted to do , i grew up gender forced oppressive sort of envrionment and if it was more relaxed i would of figured out my gender a lot sooner (been questioning since 18, im transitioning now) but yeah , today , like most days i have been constantly tired and moody because i fail to understand the simple rules and social ques of having a social life (only had friends for about 6 yrs) so yeah there was that, and also i forget all the time that people do not think like i do, people do things differently, i dont know what people really mean when they say something a lot of the time , i dont know why they do what they do or think how they think or why they think that, i thought getting into psychology would help me understand my autism better and help me get to terms with how others thought, it just made me more confused and it gave me a lot more questions that i had no idea what the answers are or were.

    Because of my autism, my speech problem my stammer / stutter it makes it even more difficult for me to communicate and also my sensory processing and stuff like that takes me just as long to respond to things and is super annoying and makes me even more anxious when i have to talk on the phone, yeah i relate to people on here as well,  although i do find it very very difficult to find people who have the same likes and interests as me, in that respect i still feel like im by myself, but still, its good to know someone out there understands what it is like and stuff like that, although a lot of the time i dont know what to say to people or even how to say it or whether if i said it it would be put in the right context or if i would be oversharing or it would not be the appropriate time or place to say something or not say something

    Such trails have thought have left me avoiding most social situations where I do not really see my friends anymore, I see my girlfriend on occasion but other than that I spend in my own company playing video games, singing to music, colouring, stimming, watching youtube videos of autistic youtubers such as purple ella, but yeah i have always found it difficult to find people to relate to let alone talk to i am not very good at knowing boundaries, oversharing what is appropriate or not, makes my relationships platonic and not super stressful and anxious-fueling and stuff like that, despite it being going on 3 years or so it still feels like day one a lot of the time it just , yeah never seems to get easier as the rules and ques always seem to keep changing and i struggle to keep up with it or understand it long enough before it changes again, either that or it is just me

    also I mostly signed up here so i do not feel so isolated and alone, despite having friends, only 1 of which who is autistic, i feel very much on my own, which seems to be a consistent shadow of feeling that has been throughout my life and i am trying to break the cycles of which helped form my depression and anxiety and other such issues id need a trigger warning for, but yeah I am trying to get back into accepting that I am autistic and that my rock bottom low points and meltdowns are when masking has got to the point where im just grinding myself to the ground and it has reached the point where i need to learn to re-accept my autism and not mask so much and not be so hard on myself and actually learn to love or at least like the girl that I am and yeah , I hope this wasnt too much to read, i touch type so I can just get carried away with my thoughts and feelings because i find it easier typing it than verbally saying it as my brain cannot process thoughts into words very easily so typing is more of a outlet than speaking, although sometimes one is way faster than the other .

  • Please don’t apologise for talking, it’s perfectly ok on here, be yourself, I have in occasion and it not only helps me but someone might just read your words and take comfort in the fact they may also fully understand what you are saying having lived a very similar life . 

    Pit never ceases to amaze me just how often I can relate to so many on here.

     It helps me realise I wasn’t the only one in the world feeling like I was from another planet.

     Having read both yours and badgers words a great deal of it resonates with my life.

     My dad worked hard to keep us going, he did however fall foul of trying to hard to fit in and be accepted, he went drinking to relax, he was an accountant and worked very hard , all his working out and record keeping was by hand written ledgers, meticulous and always correct. To ease his mind he drank, to fit in he drank to much to mask his inability To socially interact, he was taken advantage of often, buying drinks to keep friends, lending money he couldn’t afford to so called friends.

    he was a good dad, despite all that, Loooking back I know he was aspie now.

    my mother was amazing, also looking back she was autistic, she ticked all the boxes in so many ways, It wasn’t very well known or recognised back then, 

    My mum spent more time with me than my brother and two sisters, it never occurred to me just how close we were and how protective she was of me. We were never apart, 

    I learnt how to be a good human being , she cared for everyone, took in strays, animals and humans, A beautiful down to earth women with an amazing imagination and a pure heart. 

    Looking back she too was taken advantage of, knew many people but had no friends that were close. Hated make up, never dressed smart, purely for comfort. 

     It is good to share such emotive memories, it helps me to look back and make sense of my life, why things were the way they were, why I never fitted in, how I was protected and nurtured by my mum, 

    I was given free range to be whatever I wanted to be, 

    And so I have out written you Lol.

     It is good to share. It helps and I have never been judged on here or told I ramble on to much. 

    ()

  • I was that one loner autistic kid who was hyper and "disruptive" always doodling , it was my coping tool and the teachers kept taking it away and gave me detentions when i had meltdowns or became overly hyper active looking for an outlet , i got 3 detentions most days , a good day was when i only got 1 detention for "disuptive behaviour" , i found it soooo  frustrating trying to focus in a room with a ticking clock i could hear from the back of the glass 30+ talking people , squeaky makers in the board, chairs and tables clanging, urgh i could go on and on all day but yeah , eventually as i got older i got more verbal abuse from my family as communication got that dysfunctional , i got bullied for my autism, my stammer stutter ive always had its consistent in my speech, my height (im now 6"2) my weight and the fact i identified as gay at the time, im now trans so jokes on them i guess.

    sorry for the long message, i get carried away when typing

  • I was always the loner and shy so fortunately for me there were more obvious targets for teachers and pupils. We've always had an open point of view on mental health mainly because my dad had a big breakdown when  I was 8 and ended up on a psyche ward having ECT for severe depression. Bullies don't need alot to work with when your dad's "mental" but ive made it to 43 relativlre intact 

  • yeah i understand that , my parents werent exactly well of either but still, we got  through what we got through, my parents werent so laid back and support they had A LOT of issues dealing with my autism and caused a lot of drama and stress and upset at home and yeah it all sucked a lot but was minor to what i was going through on a daily basis at school

  • They are/ were. If I'm autistic my dad definitely is. Mum was just cool, she fed my love of books and treated my few friends like they were her own children . Dad fed my love of nature and photography. I come from a poor family but I had the best parents anyone could want. 

  • yeah i understand that, im glad that your parents were supportive in which ever way theyre able to be, and fair enough that makes sense, ive never finished a book that wasnt a young kids book (less than 10 pages)  as i get bored a third of the way through , im almost 30 but stll

  • I could read at a you age and we'll above my age range, 8 year olds who read o level and a level chemistry books are definitely regarded as weird. My parents were great. Dad bless spent most of his time working to keep our heads above water and mum just let me be me, amazing woman I miss her massively although 2 years on I'm still waiting for grief to hit properly. It's the only time I've really wanted to not be logical and rational. 

  • i dont know what hyperlexic means but it sounds like the opposite of dyslexic, my parents didnt help matters they just added to it if anything, quizzing me on things at meal times, as if 6 hours of listening to people speak continiously each day wasnt difficult enough

  • My parents were simply told I wouldn't be anything. Even though I was hyperlexic, and good at maths and science.

  • I had to have a teaching assistant with my every day in every lesson otherwise i wouldnt be able to focus on work or i wouldnt even make it to the class id get distracted and end up in the library (Reading puzzle books ) but yeah other than that school was constant sensory overload 

  • It really is I've had the best year at work I've had in literally years. School was mostly horrible for me, apart from the learning bit. The 6 months is lasted at uni was a total disaster , again apart from the work bit. I was totally unequipped to fend for myself and cope with that many new people.

  • thats good that its working out for you , it must be awesome ,  my friends like me for who i am but i still struggle to drop the masking as its something ive grown up doing , as i went all through school with literally no friends, so my only alternative was to "keep a low profile" not that it made me get bullied any less but still I felt it was the only option I had.

  • Hi River, I work with a group of people who like me for who I am, they took a risk on me and as far as they're concerned it really paid off. 

  • I heard exactly the same thing, which is probably why I ended up suicidal and having a breakdown, That's why i won't put the mask back on. You like it or you lump it, but i won't compromise my sanity for anyone now Slight smile

  • Hey dan my name is River, I understand what it is like to have  that realisation of not masking and to not be me, i forget sometimes and instinctively mask anyways but it is a work in progress, but i am glad you are able to drop the mask and be you, that's awesome :)