Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello, everyone
I'm a 36 yo woman waiting for an assessment. I am very shy, I would say even more on the internet so forgive me if I don’t participate actively.
Your community seems welcoming and there are lots of interesting people and point of views to discover. And you seem to be so considerate, much more than what I am usually accustomed, it looks like a safe place :)
The short version is that I’ve discovered recently about women with Asperger and it was the first time that I could connect with what these women were experiencing, at different levels. The main difference is that I am really disorganized and that I think I’m good with non-verbal signals.
All tests I took online put me on the spectrum (aspie quiz; autism quotient, RAADS, etc.), except the one with the eyes, mainly dealt through deduction.
You can stop reading now if you don’t want to go through my hundreds pages of self-assessment (I feel like I’m allowing you when you might have already hit the back button...)
I think I have no difficulty reading body language. It was part of what I wanted to understand as a child, so that nobody would be able to lie to me (I was so naive). I spend my time observing others and end up being pretty good at spotting typical behaviours.
I'm a lame detective because I’m still baffled to learn aftermath that some people lied, though, and I tend to think everything's transparent. I never took it as a particular issue as everybody can be deceived and as I thought that, if there is a need for documentaries and books about body language, it’s because it was not that obvious anyway. What do you think? I would be really interested to know how you guys experience it.
About bluntness, I’ve never had any issues with it. As a little girl, I lied or just shut my mouth. I was bullied both at school and at home so it was difficult to understand that I had some value. Most of all, I wanted to please, to appease, to be accepted. Now that I’ve learned to express myself a bit (thanks to my recent friends), I find it really difficult to lie. Truth is too important. Some of my friends have been hurt by the way I’ve said things – I could see it was not the answer they were expecting - but globally, people are ok with the truth and I might have a good way to present things.
I hate to say hello, I just never know which tone I have to take, same thing for “thank you”s. I never know how much I should thank a person, exactly when, which tone to adopt. I can look someone in the eyes, face to face, but if I really have to listen, I’ll have to look somewhere else. I feel uncomfortable meeting someone’s eyes in the streets, in a hall, in the middle of an action. So I walk like a car exploded behind me and any occasion to wear sunglasses is good.
I overthink everything in my behavior, in the message I’m sending to others. It’s getting ridiculous because it’s to the point that it becomes automatic: someone I don’t know smiles on the streets about a random reason, and I’ll smile too. I'm aware of the paradox.
I struggle with innuendos, I tend to take things literally. One example is when years ago my boss asked if I wanted to do more hours. What kind of crazy person would love to work more? It took me days to understand that she was talking about a full time job hence more money…
I get jokes. Humor is my main way of communicating. I struggle when I have to approach serious or personal subjects. On the latter matter, I am unable to put words on what I feel, how I feel. It’s incredibly frustrating. The best way for me to explain it to my friends is when I take the time to process everything and then write it. Sometimes, they rush me with questions but it makes me really anxious and I get defensive, the pace of my speech gets faster, the voice high-pitched.
I don’t like being touched. It doesn’t hurt me but I’m shaking violently and if the touch is light, I am too aware of the contact. I’ve been so resilient my whole life that I don’t react, I don’t reject but I hate it. Paradoxically, I love hugs, with pressure, but only from people I trust.
I’m a funny and kind colleague but I’m afraid of getting too close to people as they might discover the real me. I’m not good at small talk but the illusion is ok with me being able to play goof.
I lose all my means when there are more than 2 people with me. I then get really quiet. I avoid parties at the max; too much noise and stimulation; I kind of put myself in an automatic mode. On the topic of sensory issues, I am very sensitive to sounds, smells (oh that one…), and lights. I don’t know about you, I haven’t seen it anywhere else but I also crave for certain sounds, smells and colours.
My hands are never at rest. Anxiety is my middle name. I work in a social department and my GP thought this fact was actually showing that I was not autistic (+ a PTSD) but what he doesn’t know is that it drains me and that in my field, we are mainly dealing through emails. I have more and more “tantrums” and I don’t know if these can be called meltdowns. An object falls or doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to work, a change happens, a train is late etc. and this burst of anger happens. Only when I’m alone, though: due to family context, I just learned to hide it. Outside, I struggle to contain it.
I’m constantly exhausted and the rare interactions that I allowed in my life, I had to cut them even shorter. On the week-ends, I feel the need to cut myself from the rest of the world. I do not feel depressed, just tired and – as someone here said – in a permanent turmoil since I’ve learned about women with Asperger.
I’ve never established routines consciously. They just impose themselves, if I may say. They are few but important. For example, I feel uncomfortable changing my path and I like to go to the same places, eat the same dishes, doing shopping the same day at the same places, delivery on Fridays etc. I like habits.
I can’t share my personal space with anyone, I can’t travel if it’s not under my conditions, which led me to turn down many opportunities (I had to pretend I financially couldn’t).
Oh and one thing that had confused me for so many years: I weirdly smiled when someone was telling me something sad. I felt so horrible about that, really. I thought I might be unconsciously a horrible person. I’ve read it was possible for people with autism.
As a child, I could easily be obsessive about something to the point it was making me uncomfortable and a bit “crazy”. I am very careful now but I still tend to obsess over things and feel the need to know and learn. Right now, my main focus is autism and it’s difficult to share my time for other things (except tv shows and video games). I have to restrain myself from getting too obsessed. Before that, it was politics (on Twitter, mind you. But because there are very well educated people with interesting point of views and analysis and proposing other sources of information). I couldn’t keep my mouth shut, still can’t, and that’s not appropriate in the work place. I can’t understand why it’s not more important.
There are many other things (empathy, etc.) but I’ll stop now. Thank you very much if you had the courage to read everything. I’m certain there are mistakes, sorry. I’m French, I don’t know if it can be an excuse :D
Now, I’ve not written all of this so that the topic can be just about me. Please please, share with me your experiences, your views. I’m always doubting, not knowing where I belong exactly so I’m sure your stories will be nothing but interesting and helping.
All the best to you!
Welcome to the forum, Minzel.
Firstly; yes, this is a very welcoming and generous community. People here will accept that you write as much or as little as you are comfortable doing; even the "regulars" like me quite often need to take a break from the forum for one reason or another, or need to take a bit of time to think about things before replying. Many autistic people prefer forums like this one precisely because we can talk at greater length, and there's no pressure to reply in an instant; the same kind of communication preferences as you identified in yourself. So don't be self-conscious about writing at length if you feel you need to.
So much of what you said about yourself is similar to my own autistic traits that I won't labour things by confirming every single one separately. As Graham said, your insight into your own mind should make it much easier to get a diagnosis, and you should dismiss your GPs comments; like many professionals, he is obviously unaware of the degree to which many autistic people strive to mask their traits, and how fatiguing and demoralising this can be.
There were a few things in your description which stood out to me, which I'll comment about...
Minzel said:except the one with the eyes, mainly dealt through deduction
Yes, you are quite right to point out that powers of deduction will bias these kind of tests. In fact, some research has shown that autistic people are generally not as bad at reading these cues as is commonly thought (and that neuro-typical people aren't as good at it as they often think they are!) However, there is a big difference between identifying them in a photo which you have explicitly had your attention drawn to, and trying to do it rapidly from moment to moment when surrounded by other sensory stimuli and having all sorts of other things going round your mind at the same time.
Also, a photograph might not elicit the same kind of discomfort as looking a real person in the eyes, as we don't have to worry about how an inanimate picture will respond to our reaction. As you described, the amount of sensory information can get too much, so that we can't cope with using all of our senses at the same time. Like you, I often need to avert my eyes so that I can concentrate on listening. Being good at recognising social cues in isolation is little help if we're struggling to focus our attention in the right place at the right time and don't even see the cues to begin with!
Minzel said:I overthink everything in my behavior, in the message I’m sending to others. It’s getting ridiculous because it’s to the point that it becomes automatic: someone I don’t know smiles on the streets about a random reason, and I’ll smile too. I'm aware of the paradox.
This is probably not as paradoxical as you think, and is quite common. We're often very anxious about other people's need for a quick reaction, even though we'd rather think things through. So we build up a little store of "sound-bites" that we know will be generally socially acceptable, which we can just automatically repeat to avoid awkward silences or being misinterpreted as unfriendly. The problem is, of course, that these little responses are usually very neutral, vague and non-committal; they don't really tell the other person anything much about us or assert our point of view, they just alleviate the immediate stress of feeling pressured for an answer. If my mind is focused on something else, it's sometimes so automatic to do this that I barely notice I've had a conversation at all!
Minzel said:I don’t know about you, I haven’t seen it anywhere else but I also crave for certain sounds, smells and colours.
This isn't unusual, though you're right, it is often spoken about much less than the stressful kind of sensory issues. This behaviour is often called "sensory-seeking", and is closely related to, or maybe even the same as, "stimming". There can be a few different reasons for it; stress relief, calibrating our senses so that we know what is a strong or weak stimulus, or even to make our mind feel more like it occupies our own body. You'll note that those are all positive, therapeutic things. Of course, we have to compromise sometimes so that we don't disrupt other people's activities; but don't be worried or self-conscious about doing these things if you need to, particularly when you're alone; they're an instinctive reaction which helps us to deal with stress.
Minzel said:I’ve never established routines consciously. They just impose themselves, if I may say.
I think you're right, my habits and routines rarely feel like things that I've chosen. I think it is often just an automatic response by our brain. It gets overworked, so does some things "on auto-pilot" so that our sub-conscious mind can just deal with them while our conscious mind takes a bit of a break. If they are having negative consequences in life, then they may need modifying, but if they help us to get through the day with less stress, they are not necessarily harmful.
Minzel said:I’m certain there are mistakes, sorry. I’m French, I don’t know if it can be an excuse
Your written English is better than many native speakers, and you have described your traits very eloquently!
Best wishes. I'm sure you will find the forum as friendly, helpful, and entertaining as I have!