Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
This is the first time that I’ve spoken about this seriously but I find it much easier to talk on here than to someone’s face.
I am 25 years old and have recently been really struggling with many aspects in life which I have normally dealt really well with. I work as an Inclusion assistant with many students who have autism, and the more I learn about it the more I feel it describes me and my behaviours.
I have never been someone who would be describes as ‘self confident’ and will do my best to avoid speaking to new people if I can. People often say that I am rude when I walk away when they are talking to me, but if I think they have finished speaking then I have no reason to stay, right? I am becoming more aware when I am speaking to someone that I must appear weird because I try so hard to maintain eye contact (sometimes to the point where I don’t even know what they are saying and I won’t have blinked in minutes). I find it much easier to take part in a conversation if I don’t have to look at the person and can just hear what they are saying as background noise.
I have also noticed the past couple of weeks that when I get home from work I will lock my bedroom door and sit for hours without feeling the need to socialise, and it will make my skin crawl if someone knocks or tried to talk to me. If someone texts me, or I receive a message on my phone I will reply immediately. The thought of having a message that I haven’t answered makes me antsy and uneasy.
Throughout school i always excelled in subjects subjects like Maths, Engineering and Art, but no matter how hard I tried I would always get bad results in English assessments. I went to college to study art, but then trained again to work in schools. I didnt know why at the time why I get on so well with the students with ASD, not I think it’s because I might actually be having some of the same difficulties that they have.
Another thing I have always done but never thought anything of is playing with my eyelashes. I have done it since I was a baby, but when I am stressed, tired or having some down time, I will stroke my eyelashes with my finger, rub them on my hands or scratch them against my eyelids. I have never understood why I am the only person I know who does this, and when I Googled it I found that there is a similar condition called Trechlomania, but this was more about pulling them out.
I went on a course recently in York which was supposed to be overnight, but the thought of sleeping somewhere that I wasn’t farmilliar with made me feel so sick that I drove there and back both days (around 2 hours each way). I told the person running the course that I had a shift at my other job on the night so I didn’t have to explain why I wasn’t staying. When on the course we were given lunch, and noticed people staring at me when I sat as far away from everyone as I could, with my back turned to them.
I will never eat in front of people that I don’t know, and it will play on my mind from the minute plans are made if I agree to go for food with friends. I don’t know what it is, I just hate the thought of it to the point I would go hours without food if I couldn’t be alone to eat.
During lunch time at work I leave school each day so that I can sit in my car on my own. I only sit on my phone but I do it every day, at it makes my anxiety sky high if I can’t do it for some reason.
There are so many other things that I could bore you with, but just wanted some advice on how I could go about getting a formal diagnosis. I have read online that you have to speak to your GP about it, but this alone is what has put me off for so long. Any ideas?
Thank you in advance
I think it sounds like you could well be on the spectrum. Yes, the first step towards getting a diagnosis is to get your GP to refer you.
Might be worth doing a bit more research in the realm of self-diagnosis first to see if you can spot anything else that points towards autism as opposed to social anxiety alone (I'm autistic, my brother has severe social anxiety. They often manifest in eerily similar ways to the untrained eye now we are both adults, but especially as very young children the differences are obvious when you look closer). Then you will have lots of material to take to your initial appointment (which I would write down first as I personally always forget things I mean to say in formal situations).On a side note, re. "I didnt know why at the time why I get on so well with the students with ASD, not I think it’s because I might actually be having some of the same difficulties that they have."- I also work in a school and I have always had a particular rapport with the kids on the spectrum. I'm very open about being autistic- I think it's good for the kids (on or off spectrum) to know an autistic adult and for the other school staff who work with autistic kids to have someone to talk to who has more-or-less been in the child's position.
Thank you so much. I think I’m am going to speak to my GP during half term and see if I can get the ball rolling! I am near enough certain that I am on the spectrum, but I always feel as though when I try to talk to people about it they think that I’m joking.
Thank you again