59 year old and not assessed

Hi Gazzamcq,

I'm sorry the hear that you are feeling so low, it's a painful place to be and I admire you for being so open.

I encourage you to keep on with your cycling and exercises, it won't solve your problems of course but it will make you feel better about yourself. Do you go to a gym? If you find the "right" one then you will most likely be left alone to do you own thing and it will get you out and around other people in a safe and controlled environment. If you go out of peak hours you might find that there are only a handful of people there. Wear headphones when you're exercising and that puts you in control of how much social interaction you want, it might be none, that's ok I've done the same myself many times. Perhaps you already do this?

l was also singled out for the speech lessons when I was young - it taught me a lot of tongue twisters that I still remember today - did they do the one about "she sells sea shells on the sea shore" or has it moved on?

lostmyway said:

Autistic people tend to want to help people but they can only really do this in their own way which might not necessarily involve an outward expression of emotion but, rather, in a way that tackles problems objectively, as this is how their brains operate. Many people on the autistic spectrum do experience deep emotions but find it difficult to express these directly, person to person, and prefer to use art like writing or painting, for example, as a vehicle for this.

Ah, you got me lostmyway, I'm a wannabe artist with my own studio (man shed) in the loft. I paint portraits from photo's I find on the internet. My "style" is what's known as abstract expressionism meaning that accurate representation is not required only that an emotion is conveyed. All art is about the artist not about the subject so I guess I'm just reflecting my own emotional state in the paintings. I'd never thought about it too deeply before but I'm probably using my art to address deep seated personal issues - that brings me down a peg or two ;-)You are very astue "lostmyway".

A few posts have referred to NT's - what is an NT please?

Martian Tom said:

PS  Just out of curiosity... if you were to get a diagnosis, why do you think that you probably wouldn't tell your daughter?  I ask because autism is usually inherited.  I wouldn't suggest for one minute that your daughter might have inherited it.  But since my diagnosis, I've discussed a lot of these issues with my mother, and she 'understands' them in a way that many others don't.  She has such traits and behaviours herself, but has never spoken about them before.  I'm pretty sure, therefore, that I have inherited it down the maternal line.  On my father's side too, though, there have been some interesting instances.  His brother, for instance, had some behaviours that some of the rest of the family disliked him for.  They always referred to him as 'the odd one.'  It makes me wonder if there's something on both sides!  Anyway... just thought I'd ask.  My own brother, incidentally, is neurotypical.  One of his daughter's boys, though, has some interesting traits.  She's talked about getting him assessed before he starts secondary school.

Hi Tom,

The inherited thing is part of my concern. My mother had her own issues, again she was considerd "batty" and eccentric by everyone (including myself and my brother); my brother (4 year older) has been signed off work since he was 35 for mental health problems (which he never discusses with me fully, but I remember from our childhood that he had issues fitting in and went "off the rails" in unfamiliar situations). I have also observed that my daughter has social issues - but I understand that children are "works in progress" and she is only 10 so I am not overly concerned at prersent.

My partner on the other hand is a stark contrast to all of the above, she's at her best in social situatioins, makes and keeps friends easily, builds and connects with social frameworks naturally and effortlessly. At times I feel that I don't deserve her, almost that I have "cheated" her by not disclosing at the start of our relationship that I might have "issues" - but how could I because it was only in the last 4 or 5 years through the internet that I even became aware of Autism and the symptoms - until then I just assumed that I had personality issues that I needed to address, and which I told myself I "would" address at the start of each year and then by the end of the year realise that nothing had changed. Sound familiar?

I started off these forums saying that I wanted an assessment for my partner, I was wrong, I reaise now that I wanted it for myself. I am not ashamed in any way shape or form of being tagged as Autistic but at the same time I am now not sure that it would do me any help outside these forums.

Hi Gazzamcq, Sounds like you are having some pretty tough times mate.

I can empathise with your story a lot. I am lonely but my ASD and particulary PDA makes it impossible to break out of the trap my mind and disability created for me.

Not sure this will help but suicide is not the answer mate. Been there got the teeshirt.

If that thought crosses your mind please speak to someone.

Take care. Laddie.

Hi Gazzamcq, Sounds like you are having some pretty tough times mate.

I can empathise with your story a lot. I am lonely but my ASD and particulary PDA makes it impossible to break out of the trap my mind and disability created for me.

Not sure this will help but suicide is not the answer mate. Been there got the teeshirt.

NT's will consider that to be selfish and attention seeking. They have no idea how our minds work. although they will tell you they do.

Take care. Laddie.

Hi Gazzamcq, Sounds like you are having some pretty tough times mate.

I can empathise with your story a lot. I am lonely but my ASD and particulary PDA makes it impossible to break out of the trap my mind and disability created for me.

Not sure this will help but suicide is not the answer mate. Been there got the teeshirt.

NT's will consider that to be selfish and attention seeking. They have no idea how our minds work. although they will tell you they do.

Take care. Laddie.

Hi Gazzamcq, Sounds like you are having some pretty tough times mate.

I can empathise with your story a lot. I am lonely but my ASD and particulary PDA makes it impossible to break out of the trap my mind and disability created for me.

Not sure this will help but suicide is not the answer mate. Been there got the teeshirt.

NT's will consider that to be selfish and attention seeking. They have no idea how our minds work. although they will tell you they do.

Take care. Laddie.

I'm 37 and waiting for the aspergers assessment. Some info about my situation and experience.

I've never had a life of my own, don't have a job or any qualifications, can't support myself financially and live with my parents which I have always done.Apart from a job when I was 17 which involved working away from home for a while but I had to leave that job after about a week and return home just due to how hard it is for me in the real world.

Dont have any friends and never had a girlfriend.Became addicted to video games when I was 10 due to the isolation it involved for me and to escape from the real world.Watching sport on TV has also been the other longest escapism.I've just never been a social nor active person.I stopped having friends when I was 14 and can really say at a push I maybe had one or two people who I would consider a friend during that time.

First day at primary school I cried my eyes out when I went in the classroom, had to have speech lessons when I started primary.Only thing I was good at primary and secondary school was sports.I became aware of having body dysmorphic disorder when I was 10 due to being skinny, which got worse when I went to secondary school which resulted in me skipping PE a lot of the time.The last two years at secondary school I skived most of the time.I didnt have any plans or idea what I wanted to do after I left school.

Somehow I did get 3 jobs after I left school,one a temp job which I hated, the other two jobs I hated and was also rubbish at them.Since I was 18 my Dad became self-employed and started working with him.I pretty much became aware this wasn't the job for me and again I was rubbish at it, but because it was working with my Dad it was an easy solution for me to keep going with him.But I also did have a lot of spells when I stopped working with him and for the last six years or so I only work with him when he needs a hand with a job, but he is retiring soon so I've practically stopped working with him over the last few months.

This is pretty ironic considering the person I am looks wise but I have a pretty unhealthy obsession with women, again since I was young, which over the years resulting in me becoming addicted to internet porn.However, I am not a threat nor would want to harm any women.I've also had other anti-social habits in real life which I'm not proud about and don't do anymore.I've also been obsessed with typing so much crap on forums, again pretty ironic considering the person I am in real life, making remarks at spelling mistakes, homophobic remarks, commenting on great athletes and other things although I genuinely didn't mean anything malicious.

The issues I have in real life that I identify with aspergers are, learning difficulties, relating to other people, lack of interests, sensitive to sounds, light and smells maybe more than the average person,OCD, anxiety,sleep problems, depression,addicted to technology.My thought process is terrible, concentration and social skills.Have a phobia with tests/exams.

One other thing I became aware when I was younger, is staring at other people, maybe inappropriately. I would stare at some kids in class and that has continued through since, even staring at men when im not gay or bisexual.Not sure if this has to do with aspergers.

I have been suicidal since since I was 21, maybe younger due to how hard it is for me. The only genuine time I have tried to commit suicide was over just a month ago.

I have not existed the way I have wanted,but I've existed due to the problems I have.If that makes sense.

I'm not sure at how a great social person I can be, I don't really care about male company, would like a girlfriend and would rather have an evening in than go out.Having kids has never appealed to me for obvious reasons.I think deep down I have been lonely for a long time and just filled the lonely feeling with bad habits.

I have stopped playing video games for the last three to four months or so and are not missing them, although it has led to a void, and trying to cut down on the other bad habits.I've been doing a lot of cycling,light weight training as I have to eradicate my body dysmorphia from my mind for a start, by that I need to put on weight.

Deep down despite my issues and what other people may think, I know I have a good heart and a sense of humour and how to treat people with respect, in some emotional issues I am not disconnected,but it's just the existence I have had that it's hard for me to show.I can't really talk to my parents about it and my sister is trying to to help me through it,but she has her own life and I don't think it's her burden, I just feel I need more influence outside my family.

But at the same time I don't have anything going for me at all and bore people quite quickly due to my poor conversation skills.

Im on two sets of medication which I'm not happy to take and it's not helping me.I have been in some dark places over the years but this last while my mind is literally all over the place. Filled with my miserable existence and some silly regrets.

Im pretty much so demotivated at present with no purpose as I have nothing in my life at all at the age of 37.

I have been reading with interest the posts on this thread and contemplating what relevance or correlation they have for my own unique journey and also reflecting on the course of my life so far, and this morning, while walking my dog in the local forest, a couple of memories suddenly popped into my mind (the conscious part anyway). I mentioned in an earlier post on this thread that I wondered whether I would ever get to the bottom of my problems. Well the two memories I am about to describe feel important, if not the total reason, then certainly very relevant.

The first is from a very early age when I have a picture in my mind of me lying on my back I believe having a nappy changed and for reasons unknown I decided to urinate. The resulting fountain would cause much amusement on "you've been framed" I am sure but the reaction from my mother was quite the opposite and the resulting trauma is cemented into my brain. Corporal punishment was not taboo in those days!

The second is  when I was about 6/7 years old and had joined a cub scout group with a neighbour.  I was excited because a Xmas Gang Show was proposed and had seen similar shows on TV (black and white maybe) But when it came to pass I was told I was to be a "fairy". In due course and much to my consternation I was bedecked with a ballet dancers skirt (frilly thing sticking out from my waist) and handed a fairy wand with a star on the end to wave about. I said little at the time but inside I was humiliated and on the night of the performance I was shocked to see my mother and her friend in the audience laughing uncontrollably at me on the stage.

Now Freud might have a field day with these two memories but the fact I can recall them so vividly 60 years on tells me they are hard wired into my brain.

Maybe these are the source of my problems?

Laddie.

m21ian, I can understand what you mean about being 'labelled', but on the other hand, it's useful to know what 'makes you tick' because it should (in theory) provide you with the 'tools' with which to manage you behaviour.

Without having an appreciation of the way you are wired you won't be prepared to handle situations that you find difficult and knowing your strengths and weakenesses (and everyone has weaknesses) you are in a better position to manage your life and, hopefully, get the most out of it. It's also is a way of forgiving yourself for feeling guilty about some of your behaviours, for example, the lack of social skills and the tendency to like your own company, etc. Many autistic people appear to lack empathy to NT's and this can be seen as a characher flaw, however, once you understand that it's not that we are unfeeling monsters but that we have an idiosyncratic way of relating to others, then things can be looked at in a more reasonable perspective.

Autistic people tend to want to help people but they can only really do this in their own way which might not necessarily involve an outward expression of emotion but, rather, in a way that tackles problems objectively, as this is how their brains operate. Many people on the autistic spectrum do experience deep emotions but find it difficult to express these directly, person to person, and prefer to use art like writing or painting, for example, as a vehicle for this.

It would be nice to think so Tom.

Tom wrote "I suppose it really, in the end, comes down to the individual and what they want.  Plenty of people don't bother with a diagnosis because they don't see the point, or don't want a label, or manage well enough without it.  I wanted it, in the main, for that validation.  And to help me to put my life into context and understand it much better than I had before. "

I guess if I'm totally honest I am mostly wanting to make sense of my life, I am wanting it for that validation. However I absolutely do not want to be defined by a label so even if I obtained a positive diagnosis would I ever make it known to anyone but my closest family? Would I even tell my daughter? I suspect not.

Yours and everybody's comments have made me think about this again. I guess that's in part because I was never expecting you all to accept me so quickly, or to accept me at all to be quite honest. But the more I read around these forums the more I recognise myself and my life in the words and experiences of what others have written. It's proving to be an unexpectedly emotive journey, so I totally "get" why going through a lengthy formal diagnosis would be traumatic.

I apologise in advance for the remainder of this post; but as I said in an earlier post I've mostly  "got by" by trying to pass off my "traits" as humour. Here's three that occurred yesterday:

• 
  At work (a big open plan office) the fire alarm test went off (it does that at 15:30 every Friday) - as usual I freaked, screamed out loud, jolted, but on this occasion I was holding a cup of water that spilt everywhere. Lots of laughs all round.
• 
  At lunch people were talking about a  comedian on TV (I won't mention his name) and something I said alerted them to the fact that I thought that the TV character was real, which I did, and then one of my workmates got visibly angry because he thought I was taking the p**s (I get that a lot).
• 
  My partner was discussing a weekend away that we had planned and said that we still has to "book it", but my (stupid) brain heard "bucket" and so I confronted her almost angrily asking why we were now talking about "buckets". And I really did want to know. Why do I do that!! She thinks I have a really puerile sense of humour but I don't I just taken things I hear literally - I can't help it. Wish I could.

They've been several bad incidents as well but I don't want to end on a down note.

Sorry if the above sounds flippant, it's just that I'm not used to being taken seriously so bear with me please.

Carrot and stick might work with a donkey, not with an intelligent human being.

Just like you can't treat a cat like a dog, and vice-versa. 

If you allow someone to be themselves while trying to get the best out of them you can achieve almost anything.

Your testimony is a powerful one Tom so thanks for that. You have a gift with words.

I too have been told so many of the things you describe, think positive, pull your socks up, etc etc etc.

Of course people say these things because they recognise we are different and not like themselves but they will never be able to fully understand our minds.

You have to be cruel to be kind is the mantra of much of the thinking that has gone on in the past on the subject of Autism. That is now clear to me and I may even have thought like that myself at times. But now I have been on the receiving end of such thinking it has changed my mind and I now recognise how wrong it is.  There has to be a better way to deal with Autism.

Laddie.

Good advice Clovis, I am aware my experience is different to all other people who post on this forum. Your journey is unique. My autism is deep and painful to expose to the world.

When a story makes me cry I now think that I am getting to the bottom of my problems but sometimes I wonder if there is any bottom, or just basic human nature laid bare.

Take care , laddie.

Thanks Laddie, Random and Martian Tom (all great names),

I appreciate your replies very much (especially since I managed to get so many typos into the original post). I've completed the online AQ test several times now just to make sure that I'm answering it thruthfully, and I consistently score between 33/34, so not an extreme case but that's as expected.

I have in the past discussed my suspected "spectrum" with my partner, in fact she herself has suggested that I might be, but she doesn't even know the half of it as I keep most of it buried.

I will explore these forums as suggested by "random" before I make a decision.

Thanks again.

Hi,

To ease your fears of your Doctor, I would take the online AQ test and mention the results to him/her. Also worthwhile researching this forum, and find out the kind of things you relate to what others have described living on the spectrum.

Personally, I would try and discuss it with your partner first so she has an understanding and can support you through the process. 

I found the diagnosis very difficult, as it brought forward a lot of painful stuff I had buried inside myself from my childhood. That's not a typical response though, my diagnostic team said most people feel a sense of releif. I found the interviews and waiting time hard going.

With me, they considered not just the likelyhood of me being on the spectrum, but how that would help me with things (based on how my aspergers was affecting me currently). That is a bit further down the line than discussing things with your GP. 

I wish you all the best

Random

Hi M21ian,

Your story has struck a chord with my own life so I can see much of myself in it.

I am now approaching 68 so have a lot of history and baggage  which I drag along with me including some bizarre events. I was once told when moving on to a new job "buy a dinner suit........and wear it" I never did but maybe I should have at least tried to. This is of course typical NT advice, "try not to be so awkward and boring". Socialise more.

I have always needed "serious lubrication" to get through that sort of situation and that has got me into some interesting and bizarre encounters. If only I had been diagnosed when I was young maybe life would have been completely different. But then maybe I would never have met my wife and had two fine sons........who knows.

Martian Tom is perhaps the best person on here to give you advice as he has been through the diagnosis process and come out the other side.

Like you I wonder whether asking to be assessed is the right thing to do at my age.

Good luck with whatever you decide, and I will keep on looking out for your posts on here. This forum has been very beneficial to me in the short time I have been aware I have ASD symptoms. It feels like there are others on here who get where we are coming from.

Take care, Laddie