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59 year old and not assessed

m21ian

Hi, yes, I'm 59 and I've never benn formally assessed for Autism, and nowadays I have learned to adjust and have coping strategies for social situations, and the avoidance of the same. I have a partner, and a 10 yo daughter, I have a good job and on th eoutside all looks rosy - but that's not the whole picture is it.

I have no "mates" - in my whole life I have never ever instigated a social meet-up with a friend, the ideas of having to meet 121 or in a group for a regular social chit-chat both scares and makes me feel trapped. People have tried in the past to form matey relationships, but I have always batted them away, or failed somehow.

That's ok - I ma not lonely - I have plenty of friends/associates at work and I can handle that as the relationships are defined by where we are and what we do and it never overlaps into out-of-work so it's all good.

My childood was . . . odd. So were my teens, and my 20's and right up into my mid 30's I was still struggling. When I was 23 I worked in a open plan office and several of my workmates took it upon themselves to role pay "sarcasm" for me as I just did not get it. Funny looking back, I was just cosidered eccentric and I have played on that all my life - making a joke out of it witghout ever knowing what "it" was.

I dropped out of school when I was 17 as it was all getting too much, found jobs where I worked on my own, then over the years moved into jobs where i worked around people. I used to apologise to people wh sat near me because I couldn't talk small talk like  everyone else, ha ha, I can now but it's taken a long long time.

Later I moved into freelance working because that meant that I could move on when I found myself socially floundering - as everywehere I went I found a small number of people who liked me for myself, an equal number of peoole who really disliked me for the same reasons, and a whole raft of people who I just confised, or whatever.  

My partner wants to get married, but I can't do that as it fills me with dread, she wants me to have a party for my 60th: no thanks, she wants me to go out with friends on my own - that will never happen. I not unsociable but anything that centres on my and might illustrate the gaping hole in my social network I have to avoid, and protect the illusions and barries i hae built around me.

I am considering applying for a diagnosis, not for myself, mostly for my partner (although she doesn't know) but I'm afraid of opening up to a GP for fear of being knocked-back, like I said I now how coping strategies so that is what they wil see - not the me inside or the historical me who almost 60 years of back story.

I dunno.

Someone tell me - what am I thinking?

Parents

  • I'm 37 and waiting for the aspergers assessment. Some info about my situation and experience.

    I've never had a life of my own, don't have a job or any qualifications, can't support myself financially and live with my parents which I have always done.Apart from a job when I was 17 which involved working away from home for a while but I had to leave that job after about a week and return home just due to how hard it is for me in the real world.

    Dont have any friends and never had a girlfriend.Became addicted to video games when I was 10 due to the isolation it involved for me and to escape from the real world.Watching sport on TV has also been the other longest escapism.I've just never been a social nor active person.I stopped having friends when I was 14 and can really say at a push I maybe had one or two people who I would consider a friend during that time.

    First day at primary school I cried my eyes out when I went in the classroom, had to have speech lessons when I started primary.Only thing I was good at primary and secondary school was sports.I became aware of having body dysmorphic disorder when I was 10 due to being skinny, which got worse when I went to secondary school which resulted in me skipping PE a lot of the time.The last two years at secondary school I skived most of the time.I didnt have any plans or idea what I wanted to do after I left school.

    Somehow I did get 3 jobs after I left school,one a temp job which I hated, the other two jobs I hated and was also rubbish at them.Since I was 18 my Dad became self-employed and started working with him.I pretty much became aware this wasn't the job for me and again I was rubbish at it, but because it was working with my Dad it was an easy solution for me to keep going with him.But I also did have a lot of spells when I stopped working with him and for the last six years or so I only work with him when he needs a hand with a job, but he is retiring soon so I've practically stopped working with him over the last few months.

    This is pretty ironic considering the person I am looks wise but I have a pretty unhealthy obsession with women, again since I was young, which over the years resulting in me becoming addicted to internet porn.However, I am not a threat nor would want to harm any women.I've also had other anti-social habits in real life which I'm not proud about and don't do anymore.I've also been obsessed with typing so much crap on forums, again pretty ironic considering the person I am in real life, making remarks at spelling mistakes, homophobic remarks, commenting on great athletes and other things although I genuinely didn't mean anything malicious.

    The issues I have in real life that I identify with aspergers are, learning difficulties, relating to other people, lack of interests, sensitive to sounds, light and smells maybe more than the average person,OCD, anxiety,sleep problems, depression,addicted to technology.My thought process is terrible, concentration and social skills.Have a phobia with tests/exams.

    One other thing I became aware when I was younger, is staring at other people, maybe inappropriately. I would stare at some kids in class and that has continued through since, even staring at men when im not gay or bisexual.Not sure if this has to do with aspergers.

    I have been suicidal since since I was 21, maybe younger due to how hard it is for me. The only genuine time I have tried to commit suicide was over just a month ago.

    I have not existed the way I have wanted,but I've existed due to the problems I have.If that makes sense.

    I'm not sure at how a great social person I can be, I don't really care about male company, would like a girlfriend and would rather have an evening in than go out.Having kids has never appealed to me for obvious reasons.I think deep down I have been lonely for a long time and just filled the lonely feeling with bad habits.

    I have stopped playing video games for the last three to four months or so and are not missing them, although it has led to a void, and trying to cut down on the other bad habits.I've been doing a lot of cycling,light weight training as I have to eradicate my body dysmorphia from my mind for a start, by that I need to put on weight.

    Deep down despite my issues and what other people may think, I know I have a good heart and a sense of humour and how to treat people with respect, in some emotional issues I am not disconnected,but it's just the existence I have had that it's hard for me to show.I can't really talk to my parents about it and my sister is trying to to help me through it,but she has her own life and I don't think it's her burden, I just feel I need more influence outside my family.

    But at the same time I don't have anything going for me at all and bore people quite quickly due to my poor conversation skills.

    Im on two sets of medication which I'm not happy to take and it's not helping me.I have been in some dark places over the years but this last while my mind is literally all over the place. Filled with my miserable existence and some silly regrets.

    Im pretty much so demotivated at present with no purpose as I have nothing in my life at all at the age of 37.

Reply

  • I'm 37 and waiting for the aspergers assessment. Some info about my situation and experience.

    I've never had a life of my own, don't have a job or any qualifications, can't support myself financially and live with my parents which I have always done.Apart from a job when I was 17 which involved working away from home for a while but I had to leave that job after about a week and return home just due to how hard it is for me in the real world.

    Dont have any friends and never had a girlfriend.Became addicted to video games when I was 10 due to the isolation it involved for me and to escape from the real world.Watching sport on TV has also been the other longest escapism.I've just never been a social nor active person.I stopped having friends when I was 14 and can really say at a push I maybe had one or two people who I would consider a friend during that time.

    First day at primary school I cried my eyes out when I went in the classroom, had to have speech lessons when I started primary.Only thing I was good at primary and secondary school was sports.I became aware of having body dysmorphic disorder when I was 10 due to being skinny, which got worse when I went to secondary school which resulted in me skipping PE a lot of the time.The last two years at secondary school I skived most of the time.I didnt have any plans or idea what I wanted to do after I left school.

    Somehow I did get 3 jobs after I left school,one a temp job which I hated, the other two jobs I hated and was also rubbish at them.Since I was 18 my Dad became self-employed and started working with him.I pretty much became aware this wasn't the job for me and again I was rubbish at it, but because it was working with my Dad it was an easy solution for me to keep going with him.But I also did have a lot of spells when I stopped working with him and for the last six years or so I only work with him when he needs a hand with a job, but he is retiring soon so I've practically stopped working with him over the last few months.

    This is pretty ironic considering the person I am looks wise but I have a pretty unhealthy obsession with women, again since I was young, which over the years resulting in me becoming addicted to internet porn.However, I am not a threat nor would want to harm any women.I've also had other anti-social habits in real life which I'm not proud about and don't do anymore.I've also been obsessed with typing so much crap on forums, again pretty ironic considering the person I am in real life, making remarks at spelling mistakes, homophobic remarks, commenting on great athletes and other things although I genuinely didn't mean anything malicious.

    The issues I have in real life that I identify with aspergers are, learning difficulties, relating to other people, lack of interests, sensitive to sounds, light and smells maybe more than the average person,OCD, anxiety,sleep problems, depression,addicted to technology.My thought process is terrible, concentration and social skills.Have a phobia with tests/exams.

    One other thing I became aware when I was younger, is staring at other people, maybe inappropriately. I would stare at some kids in class and that has continued through since, even staring at men when im not gay or bisexual.Not sure if this has to do with aspergers.

    I have been suicidal since since I was 21, maybe younger due to how hard it is for me. The only genuine time I have tried to commit suicide was over just a month ago.

    I have not existed the way I have wanted,but I've existed due to the problems I have.If that makes sense.

    I'm not sure at how a great social person I can be, I don't really care about male company, would like a girlfriend and would rather have an evening in than go out.Having kids has never appealed to me for obvious reasons.I think deep down I have been lonely for a long time and just filled the lonely feeling with bad habits.

    I have stopped playing video games for the last three to four months or so and are not missing them, although it has led to a void, and trying to cut down on the other bad habits.I've been doing a lot of cycling,light weight training as I have to eradicate my body dysmorphia from my mind for a start, by that I need to put on weight.

    Deep down despite my issues and what other people may think, I know I have a good heart and a sense of humour and how to treat people with respect, in some emotional issues I am not disconnected,but it's just the existence I have had that it's hard for me to show.I can't really talk to my parents about it and my sister is trying to to help me through it,but she has her own life and I don't think it's her burden, I just feel I need more influence outside my family.

    But at the same time I don't have anything going for me at all and bore people quite quickly due to my poor conversation skills.

    Im on two sets of medication which I'm not happy to take and it's not helping me.I have been in some dark places over the years but this last while my mind is literally all over the place. Filled with my miserable existence and some silly regrets.

    Im pretty much so demotivated at present with no purpose as I have nothing in my life at all at the age of 37.

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