• Replies 4 replies
  • Subscribers 25 subscribers
  • Views 1231 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Depressed daughter with possible Aspergers

carleajam
Hi, i'm new here and really worried about my 23 year old daughter and dont know where to turn. Her mental health problems began during her adolescent years. To cut a long story short she was always a shy child but became withdrawn and didnt make any new friends when she started secondary school. She was referred to CAMHS where she was diagnosed as having social anxiety. She underwent CBT which didnt really help. She became more and more isolated and withdrawn and was then diagnosed with depression also. She ended up failing her A levels due to her problems and quit school and she has been at home ever since. I have tried everything I can over the years to get her to do something with her life. She had a couple of voluntary jobs but quit them. Also she did horse riding for a while but became too anxious so quit. For the past few years she has got gradually worse. Her anxiety is controlled by total avoidance. She spends her days asleep and is up most the night on her computer. She has become a recluse spending most her time alone in her bedroom. The only time she goes out is with me or her dad and ocasionally takes the dog for a walk on a good day. She has undergone every form of help there is. She has tried various anti depressants but says none of them work, although she never sticks to taking them for long enough in my opinion. She has had counselling and therapy and it was only through the most recent therapy that the therapist suggested aspergers and we are now awaiting an assessment for aspergers.
Just lately things have got worse. she is no longer under the doctor but refuses to go, saying it is a waste of time.  She has no motivation to do anything.  She gets annoyed with us very easily and has started to treat me and my husband not very nice, its like we cant say anything right. For example the other night we were watching a programme and I asked her if she knew who this person was on the tv, a perfectly innocent comment. She went mad and went on for days about it being an insult to her intelligence. When she is in our company she never says anything nice and continually is looking for an argument. She doesnt eat properly either. She will rarely eat anything I cook and just grabs biscuits or junk food that takes no effort to prepare. She is underweight and lacking in vitamins but doesnt care. Obviously all this is a sympton of her depression. I sometimes find all this extremely hard to deal with. I don't think even if she gets a diagnosis of aspergers whether anything will change because there is help and support out there but I don't think my daughter will take the help available to her.  I really feel sorry for her sometimes, me and my husband work full time but she is totally dependent on both of us.  I'm not so bothered about the aspergers diagnosis but feel she really needs to address the depression.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

  • Hello, I'm an older AS person, Father, and Grandfather. Purplepenny has said everything I would have said, but without the anger and frustration that I would have expressed. Your post is very honest, and infornative to us, you've told us reams more than you can know, at this time, which you can come to understand. We very much appreciate that you've come here, because you've given all of you the best chance to change this horrible situation - but you don't know it yet! Thank you.

    If you're not qualified as a psychologist, I'd recommend that you stop defining her problems as resulting from depression. If you are qualified, you're talking rubbish and the NAS has courses for people like you. Most non-AS people talk to us as if they 'get' us, and then proceed to demonstrate their ignorance. Don't do it, you'll get some posts that you really don't want!

    I shall proceed as if it's a given that your daughter is confirmed AS.

    I was particularly offended to see that a lifelong condition is far less important to you than the depression it causes - talk about starting from exactly the wrong place! It's OK, you don't understand yet - this isn't an accusation, it's a summation.

    I suggest you follow Purplepenny's advice very carefuly, it's good, and may potentialy lead you to understanding, always assuming you are open minded enough, capable of learning about AS, and desirous of helping your daughter. Please don't use words, they're cheap and often, from NTs, completely meaningless. 'We want the best for our daughter' actually means getting yourself informed, admitting your mistakes to her, and co-operating with her (quite different) needs.

    Actions speak louder than words.

    AS is NOT a mental illness, but the mistreatment we get from NTs who just don't understand, induces mental ill health. QED your own daughter. As if we didn't have enough to cope with.

    It will call on you to accept a massive shift in your perceptions and attitudes, there's nothing you describe that isn't all too sadly familiar to us. We can talk to her in her language, we completely understand her situation in ways that you cannot, so if she will please let us have the chance, we can help. For many of us, getting the diagnosis means finally finding out who we are, and where our community is.

    There's no blame in this situation, and it's a futile exercise to consider it. You couldn't have known, and nor could she. I feel very sorry for parents with undiagnosed AS children, I'm sure we're a nightmare to deal with, but if you gain an understanding of the condition and apply it to your daughter, you should experience a cascade of dropping pennies, and all of your lives will be the better for it, I promise.

    You cannot imagine the huge change that is going to come into your lives, and you've a hell of a journey in front of you, but we're always here to help. Welcome to the community

  • Thanks both for your replies.  There is hope I guess.  My daughter was actually never bullied at school (so she says). She was so avoidant of her class mates she says they just ignored her.  She did have one friend who she used to see out of school but the friendship fizzled out.  She has been referred for an aspergers diagnosis and is currently waiting for the main assessment which could take months (long waiting list). Im just not sure a diagnosis will change much, the depression is more of an issue.  She wont go back doctors, she says medication doesnt work and to be honest I dont have much faith in the medical service.  She has tried therapy and counselling but talking is not her thing, she doesnt really open up to anyone.

    I have encouraged her several times to think about going to college but she gets mad that I suggest it all the time.  She says she has no motivation to stick at a college course.  She spends alot of time drawing and ready on her computer and is interested in physchology but remains a recluse in her bedroom.  I guess all I can do is be there for her and try to have the patience of a saint and hope that one day things might chance.

  • Wow... I have to say, in all honesty, that the moment I read the topic and first paragraph of your message I truly thought my mother was on here, asking for advice on myself. The story and relevance to my own personal issues is so very close it actually made me re-read it in disbelief. 

    I too have been struggling with depression and anxiety. I am a recluse and have moods swings. I am awkward with socialising and generally do not like being anywhere outside of my house. I am on meds and see my doctor regularly and can I understand how your daughter is feeling right now. I am in the same boat and relate 100%. 

    It doesnt mean she may have some form of autism, i could just be depression - only a specialist can diagnose something like autism. A doctor cannot do it (in the UK). But it is possible to be diagnosed with more than one health issue. It may be that she has autism and struggled with it all her life without knowing why she feels different to others - this in itself can lead to depression and anxiety (as it has with me). I am currently being assessed for aspergers/autism spectrum disorder as I have done a lot of research into it and feel like I have had a little 'light bulb' moment and the pieces of my life have coem together and tendancies/behaviours I do have become more apparant - not only to myself, but to my family and partner too. 

    What I am trying to say is that if she is autistic and an adult - she is going to need a lot of support and understanding from the people around her. So it is good to get clued up for the behaviours and signs to look for... that is, IF she has it. 

    taniaannmarshall.wordpress.com/.../   <<<< this website gave me some ideas of traits women with aspergers have (bear in mind that women show different signs to males who have the condition, and tend to hide it better, hence why it more harder to notice in girls when they are younger). This site helped me a lot in understanding myself, it might also be worth you all sitting down with her and going through it, together, to see if any of the information rings true for her. 

    There is also lots of books on amazon that are aimed at women with asd/aspergers, it is worth reading a few to get an idea of what to look for and the diagnosis process etc. "Aspergirls" and "Aspienwomen' are good ones I found helpful. 

    Communication can be a difficultly for people with aspergers, so getting her to open up and talk to you might be difficult. My partner struggles with this, as he often says he needs to use a crow bar to get me to talk to him about things. But it really important that you are open and honest about these things and get her some help if she does have it. 

    Its not about placing blame, or feeling responsible or getting her to 'snap out of it'. Understanding is the key, and how she thinks and feels differently to others around her. So please do not feel it is caused by events in life; people are born autistic, it is not developed over time. Its for life!

    I hope this is helpful to you and truly hope you manage to find some help for her, regardless of whether it is austism or something else. I wish you all the best. 

    In the meantime, I would suggest doing research and also getting her to open up to the idea of possibly having such a condition. 

    Another website I found helpful is "7cupsoftea' it is an online chat for people with various mental health issues etc and it is very safe and anonymous. I am on there and have found the website has indeed helped me so much with my anxiety and depression. There are also others on the site who have autism so she can ask questions if she wanted to discuss other users experiences with autism/aspergers. I am on there and my username is 'PurplePenny' should either her or you wish to chat to me at any point - I am on there often. 

    I wish you all the best! Hope this is helpful!

  • Hi, I have Autism not Aspergers but i recognise some of the things your daughter is going throiugh as i was exactly the same.  When i was at school i used to get badly bullied it effected me badly and made me become a reculuse. I used to blame myself and do things to hurt myself i was suicidle.   I did not eat properly and became underweight i used to allways skip meals to punish myself.  I also used to lash out at my Mum and Dad, brothers and sisters.  I felt that because of what i had been through i had to put up defences.  I got through it though with the endless support of my family and the phsychologists. I am still on anti depressants and the symptoms never go away.  I still get angry and have down days.  Finding a hobby has helped a lot.  I love to research fine art and write poetry so i went to College then University and got two degrees.  If your daughter likes to use the computor maybe bring it up in a discussion if you can and suggest that she goes to college.  There is so much more support out there now than there used to be.  it will be hard at first but she will  meet new people and maybe make some friends to help boost her confidence.  You and your daughter are not alone there are suport agencies within  the College and outside that can help your daughter transition into College if that is what she wishes to do.  I wish you and your daughter luck this is the start of a long journey but through love and support you will get through it.