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Depressed daughter with possible Aspergers

carleajam
Hi, i'm new here and really worried about my 23 year old daughter and dont know where to turn. Her mental health problems began during her adolescent years. To cut a long story short she was always a shy child but became withdrawn and didnt make any new friends when she started secondary school. She was referred to CAMHS where she was diagnosed as having social anxiety. She underwent CBT which didnt really help. She became more and more isolated and withdrawn and was then diagnosed with depression also. She ended up failing her A levels due to her problems and quit school and she has been at home ever since. I have tried everything I can over the years to get her to do something with her life. She had a couple of voluntary jobs but quit them. Also she did horse riding for a while but became too anxious so quit. For the past few years she has got gradually worse. Her anxiety is controlled by total avoidance. She spends her days asleep and is up most the night on her computer. She has become a recluse spending most her time alone in her bedroom. The only time she goes out is with me or her dad and ocasionally takes the dog for a walk on a good day. She has undergone every form of help there is. She has tried various anti depressants but says none of them work, although she never sticks to taking them for long enough in my opinion. She has had counselling and therapy and it was only through the most recent therapy that the therapist suggested aspergers and we are now awaiting an assessment for aspergers.
Just lately things have got worse. she is no longer under the doctor but refuses to go, saying it is a waste of time.  She has no motivation to do anything.  She gets annoyed with us very easily and has started to treat me and my husband not very nice, its like we cant say anything right. For example the other night we were watching a programme and I asked her if she knew who this person was on the tv, a perfectly innocent comment. She went mad and went on for days about it being an insult to her intelligence. When she is in our company she never says anything nice and continually is looking for an argument. She doesnt eat properly either. She will rarely eat anything I cook and just grabs biscuits or junk food that takes no effort to prepare. She is underweight and lacking in vitamins but doesnt care. Obviously all this is a sympton of her depression. I sometimes find all this extremely hard to deal with. I don't think even if she gets a diagnosis of aspergers whether anything will change because there is help and support out there but I don't think my daughter will take the help available to her.  I really feel sorry for her sometimes, me and my husband work full time but she is totally dependent on both of us.  I'm not so bothered about the aspergers diagnosis but feel she really needs to address the depression.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Parents

  • Hello, I'm an older AS person, Father, and Grandfather. Purplepenny has said everything I would have said, but without the anger and frustration that I would have expressed. Your post is very honest, and infornative to us, you've told us reams more than you can know, at this time, which you can come to understand. We very much appreciate that you've come here, because you've given all of you the best chance to change this horrible situation - but you don't know it yet! Thank you.

    If you're not qualified as a psychologist, I'd recommend that you stop defining her problems as resulting from depression. If you are qualified, you're talking rubbish and the NAS has courses for people like you. Most non-AS people talk to us as if they 'get' us, and then proceed to demonstrate their ignorance. Don't do it, you'll get some posts that you really don't want!

    I shall proceed as if it's a given that your daughter is confirmed AS.

    I was particularly offended to see that a lifelong condition is far less important to you than the depression it causes - talk about starting from exactly the wrong place! It's OK, you don't understand yet - this isn't an accusation, it's a summation.

    I suggest you follow Purplepenny's advice very carefuly, it's good, and may potentialy lead you to understanding, always assuming you are open minded enough, capable of learning about AS, and desirous of helping your daughter. Please don't use words, they're cheap and often, from NTs, completely meaningless. 'We want the best for our daughter' actually means getting yourself informed, admitting your mistakes to her, and co-operating with her (quite different) needs.

    Actions speak louder than words.

    AS is NOT a mental illness, but the mistreatment we get from NTs who just don't understand, induces mental ill health. QED your own daughter. As if we didn't have enough to cope with.

    It will call on you to accept a massive shift in your perceptions and attitudes, there's nothing you describe that isn't all too sadly familiar to us. We can talk to her in her language, we completely understand her situation in ways that you cannot, so if she will please let us have the chance, we can help. For many of us, getting the diagnosis means finally finding out who we are, and where our community is.

    There's no blame in this situation, and it's a futile exercise to consider it. You couldn't have known, and nor could she. I feel very sorry for parents with undiagnosed AS children, I'm sure we're a nightmare to deal with, but if you gain an understanding of the condition and apply it to your daughter, you should experience a cascade of dropping pennies, and all of your lives will be the better for it, I promise.

    You cannot imagine the huge change that is going to come into your lives, and you've a hell of a journey in front of you, but we're always here to help. Welcome to the community

Reply

  • Hello, I'm an older AS person, Father, and Grandfather. Purplepenny has said everything I would have said, but without the anger and frustration that I would have expressed. Your post is very honest, and infornative to us, you've told us reams more than you can know, at this time, which you can come to understand. We very much appreciate that you've come here, because you've given all of you the best chance to change this horrible situation - but you don't know it yet! Thank you.

    If you're not qualified as a psychologist, I'd recommend that you stop defining her problems as resulting from depression. If you are qualified, you're talking rubbish and the NAS has courses for people like you. Most non-AS people talk to us as if they 'get' us, and then proceed to demonstrate their ignorance. Don't do it, you'll get some posts that you really don't want!

    I shall proceed as if it's a given that your daughter is confirmed AS.

    I was particularly offended to see that a lifelong condition is far less important to you than the depression it causes - talk about starting from exactly the wrong place! It's OK, you don't understand yet - this isn't an accusation, it's a summation.

    I suggest you follow Purplepenny's advice very carefuly, it's good, and may potentialy lead you to understanding, always assuming you are open minded enough, capable of learning about AS, and desirous of helping your daughter. Please don't use words, they're cheap and often, from NTs, completely meaningless. 'We want the best for our daughter' actually means getting yourself informed, admitting your mistakes to her, and co-operating with her (quite different) needs.

    Actions speak louder than words.

    AS is NOT a mental illness, but the mistreatment we get from NTs who just don't understand, induces mental ill health. QED your own daughter. As if we didn't have enough to cope with.

    It will call on you to accept a massive shift in your perceptions and attitudes, there's nothing you describe that isn't all too sadly familiar to us. We can talk to her in her language, we completely understand her situation in ways that you cannot, so if she will please let us have the chance, we can help. For many of us, getting the diagnosis means finally finding out who we are, and where our community is.

    There's no blame in this situation, and it's a futile exercise to consider it. You couldn't have known, and nor could she. I feel very sorry for parents with undiagnosed AS children, I'm sure we're a nightmare to deal with, but if you gain an understanding of the condition and apply it to your daughter, you should experience a cascade of dropping pennies, and all of your lives will be the better for it, I promise.

    You cannot imagine the huge change that is going to come into your lives, and you've a hell of a journey in front of you, but we're always here to help. Welcome to the community

Children
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