What could it be? I am feeling a bit lost?

Wow so many replies, thank you very much. You've all been fantastic. I will take all views on board and go with a bit of everything I think. I will roll with the sessions, as I waited long enough for them. I will push for the assessment, regardless of outcome, but rather piece of mind. 

If my gut instincts are wrong, then so be it. But I know what I feel and I know myself better than anyone. I know there is something, just don't know what at this time. It's effecting my life, I struggle to work, socialise and take care of myself at times. Depression, mood swings, anxiety, ocd... so it's not my imagination. My family have noticed them too. I feel like a stray buffalo that doesn't want to stampede in the same direction as the rest of the herd. 

We shall see what happens, fingers crossed I won't have to wait long. Thank you all for your support, this site has helped me no end. 

Let me explain a bit more about the therapy that I had. I went into the sessions because I needed to talk to someone about that I was going through. Things had got chaotic and I was depressed and probably manic - I had failed in a job interview for the n-th time and was struggling with work.

The therapist freely admitted that she knew nothing about Aspergers or how to deal with it specifically. I was disappointed by this but decided to continue. We talked about stuff and she mainly let me talk about things and occasionally challenged what I was saying. At no point did she give an opinion about whether I had a condition that needed treating or what that condition might be. In hindsight, I think she was probably very correctly keeping to the therapists role and avoiding trying to do any diagnosis. She did support some things I said and agreed that my ideas were sensible - I explained some incidents at work and she "took my side" in agreeing that I was not being unreasonable. It was a very supportive and safe environment - I was able to talk and, in a sense, I could practice getting my arguments straight. It was done in a quiet room with just the two of us so the physical environment was suitable.

It may be that PP is "too quiet, too intelligent, too observant and too good a listener" for him to believe that there is anything wrong. This doesn't mean that there is nothing wrong. It just means that the therapist is perhaps deceived by the superficial coping mechanisms that many autistic people (particularly female) learn to put on show. Autism is hard to diagnose - otherwise the trauma of diagnosis wouldn't be so discussed on this forum.

I don't know if PP can make the CBT work with this therapist. CBT has very clearly failed for a number of people on the forum but there others who have found it useful. Don't persist if it is just making things worse but perhaps if you go in with lower hopes and expectations then you might get something out of it? Listen to your instincts but perhaps our instincts are sometimes too quick to criticise? I am trying to challenge you into working it out for yourself rather than telling you what to do.

Hi PurplePenny,

I've been following this thread with interest.

Firstly I'd like to applaud you for going back for a second session of CBT - how very brave, I can also fully understand why you don't want to continue.

Having read what your therapist has said to you I would be amazed if you went to see him again. I'm NT and if I'd had comments like that said to me I wouldn't have been confused I would have felt patronised, this is not at all helpful. I once attempted CBT when I was at a very low ebb and in a deep depression, the only way it helped me was by realising that the therapist was absolutely no help at all and I was better off sorting it out for myself, which fortunately I did.

What I fail to understand in your case, you are being referred as possible ASD, and I have to wonder if he actually understands ASD, as judging from his comments it doesn't sound like it.

Follow your instincts, push for your diagnosis, keep coming back to the site for advice and comfort.

I had the same problem with my so-called 'therapist', the more we talked, the more confused and less understood I felt, which did me no end of harm. Those are exactly the same kind of fatuous comments that I got (but without considering ASD because it wasn't on the menu) and every one made me feel that everything I said or did was 'wrong'. I have major issues with people who are convinced that they are always right - they're usually cloth-eared idiots and I dismiss them as such.

Again, I would urge you, having seen what people have to say, to make your own decision. There isn't a 'right' or 'wrong' answer, there is only the answer that you feel is right for you. Please don't dwell on it and get absorbed by indecision, that's far more harmful to you. I won't post again on this thread because I've already said my piece. Iinstead of repeat performances, I think that it would be more helpful to you if others could offer a range of views.

Can anyone else help here?

Firstly I would advise caution and advise not to take precipitative action that might result in losing some benefit of one of the options you are thinking about. Keeping options open and giving them the opportunity to give you a pay back is a good strategy.

We don't know if you have got ASD or not. Both I and CC have diagnoses and both did therapy before diagnosis. I had some sessions after I had worked out (correctly with hindsight) that I was on the spectrum. I went on to get a proper diagnosis afterwards. CC had sessions, if I remember correctly, before this was worked out. CC's therapist and CC himself probably laboured to fix the whole CC with the therapy but without CC's undestanfding of himself and without the therapist being more skilled it came to naught. We have to remember that we are all in different circumstances.

The therapist should only talk about himself to provide some comfort to you that he is a genuine, experienced therapist. I get the sense that he is talking about himself because he likes talking about himself. Given how little we know about him, however, I cannot and must not encourage you to think that he is no good. Try and exercise some judgement and insight by trying to decode him and his motives. It is highly likely that he is well intentioned and means you no harm. It is possible that he has an inflated opinion of himself but this does not mean that the sessions will be of no value. You can actually practice mindfulness exercises (similar to CBT sessions) on your own. You can play both sides in your mind - if you are comfortable that you have the basics which the therapist should be teaching you. The fundamental idea of all of this is that you should learn to challenge yourself when you suspect that you have things out of proprtion and that you learn to talk yourself back to a more reasonable point of view. The end point of, and what is reasonable, will be different for each individual. Someone with ASD may likely not get to the same opinion of what is the right course of action compared to someone without ASD but you might learn to be more balanced and reasonable in your own circumstances. I hope that makes sense?

I think it sounds as though you have elected to try and get a diagnosis and continue the CBT sessions?

R'socks and I disagree vehemently on this one, because I think that CBT is an absolutely appalling and useless 'therapy' under your particular circumstances, and does nothing but harm, whether or not it 'should'. It could throw you into such a fog of indecision that you cloud your own, honest answers, especially after someone has challenged your thinking. 

I speak as one who has direct experience of similar circumstances to yours. I had CBT before my diagnosis, and I was speaking to someone when neither of us knew that I was on the spectrum. Without a diagnosis, so are you. It increased my anxiety levels, mostly, I think, because the person I had my sessions with simply didn't have any greater understanding of me than I did. The 'tried and trusted' methods of CBT simply weren't appropriate, but were all that she could apply to our sessions, which were monthly for over two years.

I think you should drop the CBT before it causes you serious harm. Clearly, you are not enjoying the process and not gaining anything by it other than increased anxiety, which mirrors my own experience. Had you said something different about your CBT, I might have said stick with it, but by your own words I would definitely counsel you to stop. The clincher, for me, is that they're misplacing faith in the CBT to the point where you are being denied a diagnostic assessment, and this delay can only add to your stress.

It already sounds like you're afraid of the sessions, so stop and explain your increased anxieties to your GP, and ask for the referal straight away. That would be my advice.

Lastly. Someone who claims to have had a good experience of CBT, may very well have had. By the same token, someone like me has had a bad experience of it in similar circumstances to yours. Neither of our experiences can be taken as any indication that yours will be the same as either of them. I think that in asking the question and explaining your dilemma, you've already expressed your true feelings, and I would urge you to go with what your instincts tell you is right for you.

Yes, I thought so too to be honest. I had a chat with my gp and he agreed to put me forward for an assessment for ASD. I am nervous but eager to have it done, regardless of the outcome. It will put my mind at rest. 

I spoke to my mother and we had a verrrrry long descussion about it and she is open to the idea. She even made lots of comments regarding me as a kid and even said that looking back she thought I might have been autistic but at the time it wasn't commonly known or spoken of. She said that she herself and her father were the same and were probably had/have undiagnosed asd. 

My only worry now is that my therapist keeps saying some unhelpful things to me. Such as:-

- "I think you are just a classic example of a young woman who has gotten a bit lost in life. Thats all."

- "You're quiet and don't talk a lot, but thats not a big issue in life."

- " This is just your second session and already I know all I need to know from you. I don't see how these sessions are going to help you as you know what the problem is, you just need to deal with it."

- he said I was too quiet, too intelligent, too observant and too good a listener to be on the autism spectrum. 

- He also goes on about his 'expertise' and experience of 9 years as a therpist etc etc. 

I have hugely struggled with these first 2 sessions. and he has seen it. My hands trembling as though I was shaking pepper onto something. I rarely spoke. I wrote down notes for him to read as I was so nervous my mouth was dry and I couldnt look at him... and then he says these things to me and I'm like - what the hell is going on? 

I feel so confused. More so than before. And the more he says these things to me the more I start to feel that he is wrong and I do have ASD. 

Its really upsetting me, I feel so lost. Just hope I don't have to wait long for the assessment. 

There isn't a clearly obvious choice to make here.

CBT is a good treatment for anxiety etc for people with ASD so it shouldn't do any harm and it may help you practice dealing with someone on a one to one basis. It may actually help you relax and that actually might make diagnosis easier as you will be able to talk to the diagnosticians more easily.

Getting a diagnosis is a good thing but if it delays you getting some help then that isn't so good.

I don't really understand why you can't start the process of getting a diagnosis whilst you are in the middle of a course of CBT. Lots of people can be treated for something whilst they do further tests so this doesn't make sense to me.

You could try to discuss this with your GP who might be able to help you make the right choice.

So... in all honesty guys... advice here... what would you do?

I started cbt last week, its was extremely difficult and I doubtful it will do me any good as I get so emotional and stressed. 12 sessions is what the nhs can offer, once a week. so thats 3 months for sessions. In order to get a diagnosis for possible aspergers I would need to have an assesment/referal to a specialist, which I cannot do while currently doing cbt sessions. 

should I carry on and wait until cbt is done? see if I get any benefit from the sessions... or should I see my doctor, drop the cbt and get on the waiting list as soon as for the assessment? (I am 98% sure I will get diagnosed to be honest)

thoughts? advice? what would you do?

as for the actual effects on my work so far, as far as i can see there has been only one bvious change, and thats only for the better- i am no longer required to be shuffled about like everyone else. Before they simply wouldnt understand why it was such an issue when they made this new rule that every time u go in you got to be on a different working with different people, floor following different routine and all the stress not knowhing where ill be and what ill be doing before i come in resorted to me ending up in meltdowns and refusing to take any more shifts unless ill be told in advance where ill be(i got 0 hour contracts, so not obligated to take any, but of course i cant live of thin air either), which of course only ended up me being labeld as "difficult" and "wanting special treatment" etc etc, but now im kept same floor same side over 90% of the time as their now bound to accommodate my condition. Of course it still has caused some problems as now colleagues think im getting special treatment etc, but at least im no longer resorted to having any meltdowns and no longer spend all day stressing over not knowing where im going to be and what im going to be doing before each shift:)

I understand what you mean when you say that an actual diagnosis might make you feel even more isolated, i thought so too, but to my suprise it more of the opposite- because of the diagnosis i now understand why ive always felt like an alien and unable to fit it, it explains soo much. AND, now i also know theres others jsut like me. I got refferred to the PAT teem and allocated a social worker, who helps me get around and has taken me to a few aspergers support groups and i now also attend the aspergers book club, and while im yet to make actual friends as such, ive had the opportunity to meet and talk to many with similar issues/condition to myself, which has made a world of difference, knowing that im not the only one like this, plenty of others just like me, or at least somewhat similar:)

Bigger issue for me was that perhaps itd cause issues with work, wouldnt think many employers would want to employ people diagnosed "with a mental condition", as that tends to create a negative impression, but i was assured that actually alot of employers are quite happy to employ people with different diagnosises as it makes their company look good or something, and also now if i wished so, im able to get work-aid to help me with any future interviews i might get, and personally i find interviews the hardest:) So as far as im concerned there has been no downfall of any description due to the diagnosis, just the positive stuff, knlowledge, support and extra help with anything i might need to function at least somewhat properly:)

PurplePenny said:

Someone I speak to mentioned looking back to childhood and school to see what I was like back then. I remember being quiet and always playing being by myself and isolated. I was anxious and depression as a teenager. But my school reports tend to say the same things: She was quiet, she was pleasant, she was friendly. But then they would say: she had no interest in the subject, her absence was poor, she did not contribute orally or in group work. I hated school personally, because I felt anxious and so different to others all the time. I had areas that I loved like drama, but others I struggled in or just couldnt grasp, like maths or science. The important ones. 

e!

Hello all, thank you for all your replies and posts, I am still feeling a bit lost and unsure. Just going to roll with the sessions and see what happens. I will also take the advice you said and seek advice from a psychiatrist who is knowledgeable in these things. I mentioned it to my doctor, who agreed it could be a possibility. I also mentioned it to my boyfriend briefly and he was straight away like "you don't have that" but when I asked him to tell me how and why I wasn't aspie, he couldnt say because he didnt even know what it was lol. *rolls eyes*

Anyhow... moonlight I can relate to all of what you have put 100%... it is almost like you have written a summary about my current lifestyle. I too have oversensitivity, both emotionally (comments and critisism) and physically (bright lights and loud sounds, tastes, textures). I have foun that I have a lot of symptoms of aspergers, but then there are some that I don't (i.e not being able to read others faces or expressions) but the main issue for me is the socialising and communication. It's certainly something thats effecting my life and preventing me from having relationships, jobs or even expressing myself. Along with poor concentration, being sensitive and narrowed areas/constant changing of interests. 

I have done some online asperger tests/quizes and most conclude I very likely have it. I feel sure about it, but also confused and generally low about it all. The thing is that I feel very different from everyone else, so I know deep down there is an disorder/issue there, whatever it is - but in a way, I don't want to know, as it means I might feel more of an oucast than before. Also, I feel like I do not connect or am part of 'normal society' and yet do not feel like I belong with those who are just 'socially awkward or shy'... I kinda feel like an alien, not really belonging anywhere. It's depressing. 

Someone I speak to mentioned looking back to childhood and school to see what I was like back then. I remember being quiet and always playing being by myself and isolated. I was anxious and depression as a teenager. But my school reports tend to say the same things: She was quiet, she was pleasant, she was friendly. But then they would say: she had no interest in the subject, her absence was poor, she did not contribute orally or in group work. I hated school personally, because I felt anxious and so different to others all the time. I had areas that I loved like drama, but others I struggled in or just couldnt grasp, like maths or science. The important ones. 

Sorry... I'm writing a bit of a biography here, but I feel you guys are very helpful and know a lot about the condition. No better place to hear about it and find out information than from the horses mouth, right? 

Hope this all makes sense. Any advice? Any words of wisdom? Please feel free to share!

hi, yes it is possible that you have multiple things, always worth checking them all out just in case, but from what you listed, i could copy back about 90% of it if was describing my own condition, exept for the fact you said your mood swings also go up the high scale- mine tends to stay low, and to be honest, i cant recall a single time ive actually felt "happy" in any sense of the meaning, though i dont do self harm either(though have had alot of suicidal thoughts before, but so far none of them have been actually carried out). Also i dont overeat, thouhg i eat very irregularily, and definetly not a healthy diet, and my digestion etc is fine unless extremely stressed out, then i get very upset tummy and get stuck in the bathroom for a while, which is by no means helpful if im in a hurry somewhere, which generally is a big part of the stress in the first place.

Other than that, poor social skills, inability to make and maintain relationships, being "shy, awkward and very aware of my reactions or facial features" which i often try mask,  anxiety build ups, isolation, no confidence, dislike crowds, small talk, awkward conversations, being touched by total strangers, dislike unfamiliar routes and places, lack of concentration, exept for the very few interests of mine, forgetfulness, poor self care-very difficult to motivate myself to look after myself, as quite frankly i dont care that much about myself and if i dont feel it matters to others, i dont bother-i tend to have a bath only if i gotta leave the house. low motivation, lethargic, slow, low energy, difficulties initiating things even if know its necessary or something ill probably enjoy, dislike answering phone or door, tend to shut myself in my room and not socialise, even with family, avoid outings and shopping as much as possible.Break easily under stress, to the point of phisically ending up having a fever and at prolonged stress-get sick often. often percieve compliments as negative. maladaptive daydreaming, live in my own fantasy world to escape relity. rocking soothing when by myself. Find it difficult to trust others, can be very clingy in nature. Bullied alot at school,etc etc, ive got it all. I personally have got Aspergers, and i feel the diagnosis is right for me, though i also have alot of the other common symptoms such as sensory issues (oversensitivities ie cant wear scratchy clothes, lbels irritating and cover myself up even when go to beach because the sun directly on my skin butrns even if put cream on which i dont like as tends to make me feel dirty and sticky even if its really all rubbed in, jumpy with loud noises and struggle with strong tastes or smells) and some other stuff. But its always difficult to know whats right, i too was very confused. when i got to unicversity i did some courses on special teacher(which i dropped in the end, as they mainy focused on basically teachign a clasroom full of children with linguistical issues, which i found quite a terrifyingconcept), there i took some courses on adhd and autism, and to be honest, from what i learnt there it sounded like im likely to have ADD(adhd without hyperactivity), but thatd only explain some of it and not 100% fit, but autism didnt sound anything like me the way the put it there, sounded more like my uncle who was born with brain damage and only walks around carrying his teddy and humms to himself, unable to do anything for himself. And i was like no way, thats nothing like me. But thats only because they seem to focus on the very top end of the spectrum, severe autism cases, aspergers barely got even mentioned. I came by the aspergers term by quite an accident where someone described their own ocndition and was 100% like me and futher research only confirmed it. I had to ask for them to do the tests to check it out for me, all the previous cases id been sent to psychologists, they just wrote everything down on my depression, being bullied at school and bad parenting.

Hi PP,

A therapist provides therapy but is not a psychiatric expert who can tell the difference between all of the conditions that lead people to need therapy.

The therapist is there to talk to you and challenge you about your ideas. He is there to make you think about what you are thinking. He may not know anything about autism but this shouldn't matter, the therapy does not require him to know that.

Well... first session done, it was exhausting and very stressful. I struggled a lot and generally found it difficult to open up to him. Bless him, he must have thought I was being rude to him because I barely looked at him, I was so nervous. He was a lovely guy and read my huge list of things I had noted for the session. 

My ony worry is that he said at the end, "I just reckon your a unique type of person, with different interests that is just finding it difficult to fit in and is stressed". I dunno what to make of it. I know it is only the first one, but kinda feel like he's shrugged off the possibility already... I'm feel even more confused and lost :-(

So much of that chimes with my own experience.  I got an AS diagnosis at age 40 - it was like a unified theory of me.

Take Helen's advice, and make notes for things you want to be sure of saying to the therapist.  And good luck - despite the diagnosis being so obviously true (for me), the last time I had Talking Therapies the therapist decided I probably wasn't (I think, because he didn't know much about it or how to deal with it).  So luck of the draw as to whether you get a sympathetic therapist, I guess.

so much of what you just said sounded like myself.  not fitting in etc.

i have just been diagnosed with aspergers at 45.  you are doing the right thing,  i waited far too long to seek help, i didnt think anyone would believe me.  in my experience the people i have seen have been brilliant.  one thing if you have trouble talking, as i do, write everything down first, like your post and take that in with you, you can read off that, and if that is too much, you can  ask them to read it.

good luck with everything

Welcome to the community,

Have you tried the free test at?

aspergerstest.net/.../

Your story is entirely consistent with all of our stories. Make yourself at home.:-)