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What could it be? I am feeling a bit lost?

PurplePenny

Hello everyone. Nice to meet you all. I have been suffering with depression and anxiety for many years (especially these last few years in particular). As time as gone on I have felt that there is something underlining, a disorder or condition that may be causing or influencing these things. All my life I have felt abnormal, almost 'alien' to everyone else around me - and I don't know why. 

I will start by saying that I am medication for depression and anxiety and also have been in hospital and crisis homes over the last few months. 

Some small part of me feels like I may have Aspergers, yet another part of me feels that I may have ADHD or even Bipolar (the symptoms are all so very similar and confusing). 

Some of the things I experience are:

- Poor social skills, inability to express myself or thoughts or feelings. Anti-social and shy, awkward and very aware of my reactions or facial features (I try to mask them a lot for some reason). 

- Mood swings - from very low (crying/self harm) to hyped up and generally behaving like a kid who has just eaten a tonne of smarties. 

- Anxiety - panic attacks, poor/no/short relationships (i.e friends), feeling lonelines, worthless, no confidence. Hate crowds, hate having to 'small talk' or awkward conversations. Dislike crowds or being touched. Dislike starngers or new places I am unsure of. 

- Poor concentration - change my mind a lot, don't focus on things for long, always wanting to try new or 'out of the blue' things. Feeling a deep need to do something, now and then. Forgetfulness. All this especially if its about things i don't like or have no interest in - if its something I am passionate about then I am fine. 

- Poor self care and hygiene. Over eat. Poor sleeping pattern, night terrors, hallucinations when half asleep. Bad dreams. Tossing and turning. Don't like exercise as its a lot of effort (as most things are). Rarely brush my teeth, hair or wash my clothes. Have to force myself to shower sometimes as I can go nearly 2 weeks without washing. 

- Low motivation - lethargic, slow, low energy. Always tired. Everything is too much effort. Don't want to start or do anything, even if its something I know I will enjoy. 

- Avoid and hide away - dont answer telephone or door. Avoid doing house work or care for self etc. Don't socialise or have friends. Even avoid famil sometimes. Avoid social outings or even going out to the shops. 

- Hate stress. Break easily under pressure. Small things bother me or can make me snap under strain. I am easily upset and can find fault in small things. I can also take things quite literally and even a compliment can be seen as a negative things or critisism. 

- maladaptive daydreaming - not a recognised condition but I do this! I daydream excessively and escape the world and enter my own imaginary one. I tak to myself, aloud, and even act out or pace/rock when doing it. I do not do this when others are around me as it would be embarassing, but I find comfort in it and am very good with my imagination. (i like reading.writing.being creative. art etc)

- I have digestion issues. IBS. And also urinate a lot, especially when anxious or out in public places. 

- Paranoid and fearful - of being rejected or abandoned. I worry so much that I tend to push people away and hurt others by saying awful things to them. Accuse them of things that arent true. I convince myself so well that something is true when it isnt. I clingy and very dependant on the few people that I have in my life (emotionally). 

- As a kid I was quiet and played by myself. I had two older siblings who I know much. I didnt have friends at school as I was very shy and withdrawn. In my older years I traunted a lot of time from school, because of anxiety and bullying. My parents argued a lot and hated each other all the time. My mother was loving but my father was indifferent to us. 

There are so many things that I can list that make me question whether I have some kind of disorder, or may even a few. I feel so confused and lost, as I feel that my depression is lifting but symptons are remaining (if that make sense :-/ ). I have only realised recently that some of these issues have been with me for a long time, since I was little. 

I know no one can diagnose me on here, I am seeing a therapist in 2 days time (1st session) and seeing my doctor. But I would like to know if anyone else has these same problems and got diagnosed with anything. Does it sound familiar or like any disorders you may know of? 

I am super anxious because I have such a problem with communicating verbally with people - I know as soon as the therpist asks me a question I will just freeze and give short one worded answers... all of this ^^^ (above) I will forget and not mention. 

Any advice? Any help would appreciated or support? 

What do you all think? 

Parents

  • hi, yes it is possible that you have multiple things, always worth checking them all out just in case, but from what you listed, i could copy back about 90% of it if was describing my own condition, exept for the fact you said your mood swings also go up the high scale- mine tends to stay low, and to be honest, i cant recall a single time ive actually felt "happy" in any sense of the meaning, though i dont do self harm either(though have had alot of suicidal thoughts before, but so far none of them have been actually carried out). Also i dont overeat, thouhg i eat very irregularily, and definetly not a healthy diet, and my digestion etc is fine unless extremely stressed out, then i get very upset tummy and get stuck in the bathroom for a while, which is by no means helpful if im in a hurry somewhere, which generally is a big part of the stress in the first place.

    Other than that, poor social skills, inability to make and maintain relationships, being "shy, awkward and very aware of my reactions or facial features" which i often try mask,  anxiety build ups, isolation, no confidence, dislike crowds, small talk, awkward conversations, being touched by total strangers, dislike unfamiliar routes and places, lack of concentration, exept for the very few interests of mine, forgetfulness, poor self care-very difficult to motivate myself to look after myself, as quite frankly i dont care that much about myself and if i dont feel it matters to others, i dont bother-i tend to have a bath only if i gotta leave the house. low motivation, lethargic, slow, low energy, difficulties initiating things even if know its necessary or something ill probably enjoy, dislike answering phone or door, tend to shut myself in my room and not socialise, even with family, avoid outings and shopping as much as possible.Break easily under stress, to the point of phisically ending up having a fever and at prolonged stress-get sick often. often percieve compliments as negative. maladaptive daydreaming, live in my own fantasy world to escape relity. rocking soothing when by myself. Find it difficult to trust others, can be very clingy in nature. Bullied alot at school,etc etc, ive got it all. I personally have got Aspergers, and i feel the diagnosis is right for me, though i also have alot of the other common symptoms such as sensory issues (oversensitivities ie cant wear scratchy clothes, lbels irritating and cover myself up even when go to beach because the sun directly on my skin butrns even if put cream on which i dont like as tends to make me feel dirty and sticky even if its really all rubbed in, jumpy with loud noises and struggle with strong tastes or smells) and some other stuff. But its always difficult to know whats right, i too was very confused. when i got to unicversity i did some courses on special teacher(which i dropped in the end, as they mainy focused on basically teachign a clasroom full of children with linguistical issues, which i found quite a terrifyingconcept), there i took some courses on adhd and autism, and to be honest, from what i learnt there it sounded like im likely to have ADD(adhd without hyperactivity), but thatd only explain some of it and not 100% fit, but autism didnt sound anything like me the way the put it there, sounded more like my uncle who was born with brain damage and only walks around carrying his teddy and humms to himself, unable to do anything for himself. And i was like no way, thats nothing like me. But thats only because they seem to focus on the very top end of the spectrum, severe autism cases, aspergers barely got even mentioned. I came by the aspergers term by quite an accident where someone described their own ocndition and was 100% like me and futher research only confirmed it. I had to ask for them to do the tests to check it out for me, all the previous cases id been sent to psychologists, they just wrote everything down on my depression, being bullied at school and bad parenting.

Reply

  • hi, yes it is possible that you have multiple things, always worth checking them all out just in case, but from what you listed, i could copy back about 90% of it if was describing my own condition, exept for the fact you said your mood swings also go up the high scale- mine tends to stay low, and to be honest, i cant recall a single time ive actually felt "happy" in any sense of the meaning, though i dont do self harm either(though have had alot of suicidal thoughts before, but so far none of them have been actually carried out). Also i dont overeat, thouhg i eat very irregularily, and definetly not a healthy diet, and my digestion etc is fine unless extremely stressed out, then i get very upset tummy and get stuck in the bathroom for a while, which is by no means helpful if im in a hurry somewhere, which generally is a big part of the stress in the first place.

    Other than that, poor social skills, inability to make and maintain relationships, being "shy, awkward and very aware of my reactions or facial features" which i often try mask,  anxiety build ups, isolation, no confidence, dislike crowds, small talk, awkward conversations, being touched by total strangers, dislike unfamiliar routes and places, lack of concentration, exept for the very few interests of mine, forgetfulness, poor self care-very difficult to motivate myself to look after myself, as quite frankly i dont care that much about myself and if i dont feel it matters to others, i dont bother-i tend to have a bath only if i gotta leave the house. low motivation, lethargic, slow, low energy, difficulties initiating things even if know its necessary or something ill probably enjoy, dislike answering phone or door, tend to shut myself in my room and not socialise, even with family, avoid outings and shopping as much as possible.Break easily under stress, to the point of phisically ending up having a fever and at prolonged stress-get sick often. often percieve compliments as negative. maladaptive daydreaming, live in my own fantasy world to escape relity. rocking soothing when by myself. Find it difficult to trust others, can be very clingy in nature. Bullied alot at school,etc etc, ive got it all. I personally have got Aspergers, and i feel the diagnosis is right for me, though i also have alot of the other common symptoms such as sensory issues (oversensitivities ie cant wear scratchy clothes, lbels irritating and cover myself up even when go to beach because the sun directly on my skin butrns even if put cream on which i dont like as tends to make me feel dirty and sticky even if its really all rubbed in, jumpy with loud noises and struggle with strong tastes or smells) and some other stuff. But its always difficult to know whats right, i too was very confused. when i got to unicversity i did some courses on special teacher(which i dropped in the end, as they mainy focused on basically teachign a clasroom full of children with linguistical issues, which i found quite a terrifyingconcept), there i took some courses on adhd and autism, and to be honest, from what i learnt there it sounded like im likely to have ADD(adhd without hyperactivity), but thatd only explain some of it and not 100% fit, but autism didnt sound anything like me the way the put it there, sounded more like my uncle who was born with brain damage and only walks around carrying his teddy and humms to himself, unable to do anything for himself. And i was like no way, thats nothing like me. But thats only because they seem to focus on the very top end of the spectrum, severe autism cases, aspergers barely got even mentioned. I came by the aspergers term by quite an accident where someone described their own ocndition and was 100% like me and futher research only confirmed it. I had to ask for them to do the tests to check it out for me, all the previous cases id been sent to psychologists, they just wrote everything down on my depression, being bullied at school and bad parenting.

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