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What could it be? I am feeling a bit lost?

PurplePenny

Hello everyone. Nice to meet you all. I have been suffering with depression and anxiety for many years (especially these last few years in particular). As time as gone on I have felt that there is something underlining, a disorder or condition that may be causing or influencing these things. All my life I have felt abnormal, almost 'alien' to everyone else around me - and I don't know why. 

I will start by saying that I am medication for depression and anxiety and also have been in hospital and crisis homes over the last few months. 

Some small part of me feels like I may have Aspergers, yet another part of me feels that I may have ADHD or even Bipolar (the symptoms are all so very similar and confusing). 

Some of the things I experience are:

- Poor social skills, inability to express myself or thoughts or feelings. Anti-social and shy, awkward and very aware of my reactions or facial features (I try to mask them a lot for some reason). 

- Mood swings - from very low (crying/self harm) to hyped up and generally behaving like a kid who has just eaten a tonne of smarties. 

- Anxiety - panic attacks, poor/no/short relationships (i.e friends), feeling lonelines, worthless, no confidence. Hate crowds, hate having to 'small talk' or awkward conversations. Dislike crowds or being touched. Dislike starngers or new places I am unsure of. 

- Poor concentration - change my mind a lot, don't focus on things for long, always wanting to try new or 'out of the blue' things. Feeling a deep need to do something, now and then. Forgetfulness. All this especially if its about things i don't like or have no interest in - if its something I am passionate about then I am fine. 

- Poor self care and hygiene. Over eat. Poor sleeping pattern, night terrors, hallucinations when half asleep. Bad dreams. Tossing and turning. Don't like exercise as its a lot of effort (as most things are). Rarely brush my teeth, hair or wash my clothes. Have to force myself to shower sometimes as I can go nearly 2 weeks without washing. 

- Low motivation - lethargic, slow, low energy. Always tired. Everything is too much effort. Don't want to start or do anything, even if its something I know I will enjoy. 

- Avoid and hide away - dont answer telephone or door. Avoid doing house work or care for self etc. Don't socialise or have friends. Even avoid famil sometimes. Avoid social outings or even going out to the shops. 

- Hate stress. Break easily under pressure. Small things bother me or can make me snap under strain. I am easily upset and can find fault in small things. I can also take things quite literally and even a compliment can be seen as a negative things or critisism. 

- maladaptive daydreaming - not a recognised condition but I do this! I daydream excessively and escape the world and enter my own imaginary one. I tak to myself, aloud, and even act out or pace/rock when doing it. I do not do this when others are around me as it would be embarassing, but I find comfort in it and am very good with my imagination. (i like reading.writing.being creative. art etc)

- I have digestion issues. IBS. And also urinate a lot, especially when anxious or out in public places. 

- Paranoid and fearful - of being rejected or abandoned. I worry so much that I tend to push people away and hurt others by saying awful things to them. Accuse them of things that arent true. I convince myself so well that something is true when it isnt. I clingy and very dependant on the few people that I have in my life (emotionally). 

- As a kid I was quiet and played by myself. I had two older siblings who I know much. I didnt have friends at school as I was very shy and withdrawn. In my older years I traunted a lot of time from school, because of anxiety and bullying. My parents argued a lot and hated each other all the time. My mother was loving but my father was indifferent to us. 

There are so many things that I can list that make me question whether I have some kind of disorder, or may even a few. I feel so confused and lost, as I feel that my depression is lifting but symptons are remaining (if that make sense :-/ ). I have only realised recently that some of these issues have been with me for a long time, since I was little. 

I know no one can diagnose me on here, I am seeing a therapist in 2 days time (1st session) and seeing my doctor. But I would like to know if anyone else has these same problems and got diagnosed with anything. Does it sound familiar or like any disorders you may know of? 

I am super anxious because I have such a problem with communicating verbally with people - I know as soon as the therpist asks me a question I will just freeze and give short one worded answers... all of this ^^^ (above) I will forget and not mention. 

Any advice? Any help would appreciated or support? 

What do you all think? 

Parents

  • R'socks and I disagree vehemently on this one, because I think that CBT is an absolutely appalling and useless 'therapy' under your particular circumstances, and does nothing but harm, whether or not it 'should'. It could throw you into such a fog of indecision that you cloud your own, honest answers, especially after someone has challenged your thinking. 

    I speak as one who has direct experience of similar circumstances to yours. I had CBT before my diagnosis, and I was speaking to someone when neither of us knew that I was on the spectrum. Without a diagnosis, so are you. It increased my anxiety levels, mostly, I think, because the person I had my sessions with simply didn't have any greater understanding of me than I did. The 'tried and trusted' methods of CBT simply weren't appropriate, but were all that she could apply to our sessions, which were monthly for over two years.

    I think you should drop the CBT before it causes you serious harm. Clearly, you are not enjoying the process and not gaining anything by it other than increased anxiety, which mirrors my own experience. Had you said something different about your CBT, I might have said stick with it, but by your own words I would definitely counsel you to stop. The clincher, for me, is that they're misplacing faith in the CBT to the point where you are being denied a diagnostic assessment, and this delay can only add to your stress.

    It already sounds like you're afraid of the sessions, so stop and explain your increased anxieties to your GP, and ask for the referal straight away. That would be my advice.

    Lastly. Someone who claims to have had a good experience of CBT, may very well have had. By the same token, someone like me has had a bad experience of it in similar circumstances to yours. Neither of our experiences can be taken as any indication that yours will be the same as either of them. I think that in asking the question and explaining your dilemma, you've already expressed your true feelings, and I would urge you to go with what your instincts tell you is right for you.

Reply

  • R'socks and I disagree vehemently on this one, because I think that CBT is an absolutely appalling and useless 'therapy' under your particular circumstances, and does nothing but harm, whether or not it 'should'. It could throw you into such a fog of indecision that you cloud your own, honest answers, especially after someone has challenged your thinking. 

    I speak as one who has direct experience of similar circumstances to yours. I had CBT before my diagnosis, and I was speaking to someone when neither of us knew that I was on the spectrum. Without a diagnosis, so are you. It increased my anxiety levels, mostly, I think, because the person I had my sessions with simply didn't have any greater understanding of me than I did. The 'tried and trusted' methods of CBT simply weren't appropriate, but were all that she could apply to our sessions, which were monthly for over two years.

    I think you should drop the CBT before it causes you serious harm. Clearly, you are not enjoying the process and not gaining anything by it other than increased anxiety, which mirrors my own experience. Had you said something different about your CBT, I might have said stick with it, but by your own words I would definitely counsel you to stop. The clincher, for me, is that they're misplacing faith in the CBT to the point where you are being denied a diagnostic assessment, and this delay can only add to your stress.

    It already sounds like you're afraid of the sessions, so stop and explain your increased anxieties to your GP, and ask for the referal straight away. That would be my advice.

    Lastly. Someone who claims to have had a good experience of CBT, may very well have had. By the same token, someone like me has had a bad experience of it in similar circumstances to yours. Neither of our experiences can be taken as any indication that yours will be the same as either of them. I think that in asking the question and explaining your dilemma, you've already expressed your true feelings, and I would urge you to go with what your instincts tell you is right for you.

Children
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