I'm struggling to decide

I agree with classic codger. I too am in the same situation of a whirlwind of confusion. I am afraid to get a diagnosis but would like an explanation for all of my struggles and issues. I overcame my fear and went to see my GP this week. I was honest with her and she was happy to refer me to a specialist diagnostic centre. 

I feel as though I have taken the first step on a journey of discovery about myself. 

Hi Cephie. I usually encourage people to get a formal diagnosis, and your answer to Longman says why.

You're in a whirlpool of confusion. You know that something is wrong, but you don't know what it is. You're at once afraid of the diagnosis, yet at the same time thinking just how much it could explain about you.

I got my diagnosis late, and hand on heart I say better late, than never. Press for an assessment, and keep pressing until you get it. I used to feel bad about bothering my GP all the time with vague symptoms and constant depression, but I couldn't help it so just felt constantly bad about it. Thanks entirely to my GP and her observations, concerns and professionalism in helping me, it doesn't happen any more, I'm, well, not exactly happier or more content, just so, so satisfied to finally find out who I am and where my community is.

If you ever read John Wyndham's The Chrysalids (author of Day of the Triffids) you might identify some stuff, and it's a lovely story. My Chrysalid days are over, they came and rescued me at last. Put it another way, they're here...

The rest is left as an exercise for the student

Thanks for taking the time to write, Longman. There isn't much doubt in my mind about myself. I am worried though, that it doesn't show and I won't be able to communicate my long term issues. 'Mates' ?!?! LOL. Don't have.

You are right, it is difficult to judge, being on the inside of it things. I wonder if, given that I have survived OK till 57, that maybe I am just maladjusted and naturally prone to depression. Perhaps that will be the verdict - but I would like confirmation one way or the other, and I think it should be a simple process - they have trained professionals and diagnostic tests for just this reason do they not?

I am fine in brief, superficial contacts - 'good morning' ' Nice day' etc but in depth and long term I am not OK. I never normally make eye contact - except when I am lying. I get shocked by it - I am struck dumb - brain does not engage, I am powerless to explain anything, overwhelmed by a person's presence and unable to think at all, let alone string together a coherent argument or explanation. That only comes out later - frustrating, leads to lots of repressed anger etc, of course, leading to depression.....

Sensory overload is what makes me struggle to string together a sentence in normal conversation and I can digress so much and for so long that I never get round to the main point of the sentence I started. Sometimes every word needs to be qualified - lots of brackets. Nobody seems to hear me, and I fear it will be the same with medical professionals - like my GP sending me to some psychologist who wants to know if I would like to talk about a 44 year old suicide attempt when I'm sitting there with a list of notes and examples of how I feel I fit on the autistic spectrum.

I don't 'want' to be autistic - its just that it explains so much. It would be such a relief to tell my mother that I wasn't just a difficult child - I have a lifelong hereditary illness that nobody knew much about in the 1960s. Or, of course, maybe i have picked up on autism as an excuse for all my problems, failures and bad behaviour. That's a possibility too. Either way things are coming to a head. I am struggling to function, I only get through the days by play-acting in short bursts and I'm not doing half of what I should be, let alone what i could do. Should book another GP appointment i guess.

I only looked in this morning because I was still bothered by a semi-literate student's 'nah-ne-nah'playground-type comments. I suppose in 3 years time that's what we'll be dealing with as a trained professional. Ah well - off for another deadly day of casting pearls before swine  in the shop.....thank godness for anonymity.

Another couple of self tests - going to a pub and going in a busy supermarket.

I'm at the abler end and nowadays I can manage pubs alright, but don't often go in them. I need to find a quieter bit and often find it easier to sit outside. I've learned from experience what things to say and how to respond and not respond, and can sort of get along.

When younger I'd try to go to pubs because its the place to make friends. Most pubs I'd be sat on my own all night not speaking to anyone. Part of the problem is my face tends to warn people off. I'd get into groups of regulars but they'd be the wrong kind to mix with. I tend to go to parties early and leave when they get going - because trying to cope I tire very quickly and end up sat alone in a corner - but I know when it is time to leave.

Are either of you comfortable in pubs, able to socialise and chat with other people? Because many people on here cannot do that. Many probably don't even try.

A busy supermarket can be very stressful for someone on the autistic spectrum. Its a mix of sounds, visual complexity, smells etc. It's intensively uncomfortable to many people on the spectrum.

If you are managing to shop in supermarkets with no problems......

There seems to be an ever growing number of people who basically need a sensible, meaningful assessment of their difficulties.

But little has changed in half a century. Doctors still dismiss many people as simply inadequate, or having immaturity problems, or lack of assertiveness, delusions etc. Autism, and a number of other conditions, singly or collectively, might help people resolve their lives. But there is yet no change in entrenched professional attitudes.

It ought to be so simple and straight forward just to give people constructive assessment, without this blame culture - its probably the patient's fault...... how many years studying medicine to get that little grasp of people!

What makes it hard for individuals is to judge, for themselves, whether autism explains their difficulties, and is sufficiently relevant to be meaningful. Because although there are a lot of texts on autism that could provide people with reference points, it is difficult to use them unless you are confident that the advice applies to you.

And all this stuff about common sense. Ermmm how does anyone know what common sense is....if you are very confused and muddled, and clearly having trouble finding practical solutions ...common sense is just a platitude... it is easy to talk about common sense if you have ready access to social referencing.

That however is something both TeaRex and Cephie should give some thought to. Are you able to get all the information you need about life from social conversation - by that I mean informal conversations with a group of mates? Not simply, are you comfortable socialising in a group, but are you reasonably good at it? You might think that you aren't doing it well, but for many people on the spectrum, they aren't doing it at all....or are doing it very badly. They don't fit in. They don't get invited to join in.

Part of the trouble is making eye contact. This is overstated in two respects. Most people have some discomfort making eye contact, and aren't sure how much is good, but they more or less get through. Health professionals go on about conspicuous gaze aversion (looking down, or to the side, whereby it is obvious you are avoiding it), but most teenagers and adults in the spectrum, though having it pointed out so often, look in sort of the right direction. They might be making eye contact but not well, noticeably to others, staring too much - but also they may be looking at people's mouths, necks or ears, rather than anywhere near the eyes. It really tends to be a big issue.

They are likely to be misunderstood in social situations, and to misunderstand much of it. That character in the TV sitcom in a prison -Porridge - who comes up with an answer long after the topic has moved on to other things - that's autism.

Noise can be an issue - people on the spectrum can be hypo or hyper-sensitive to sound, unaffected or very affected. Those very affected will find many modern young people/younger adult environments painfully loud. Usually if it is too loud, so the saying goes, you are too old. But on the spectrum it is often really difficult to go anywhere busy or noisy.

There are books about autism that would give you a clearer idea about whether it applies to you. The problem with the Triad of Impairments, and the AQ test, broadly based on it, is it gives you pointers, but you can read too much into it. There are some things like eye contact, social integration and sensory overload, which spell it out for most people.

Hi TeaRex, dunno if you read my 'venting' post last night, but I was going to call it 'I need help'. I didn't because I don't want a pile of 'anti-suicide/see your GP' posts.  Think is I've reached a point where I can see that what I feel is not normal, and its not 'just depression'. And I'm really, really tired of it, to the point where I don't really feel able to even discuss it, certainly not starting from nothing, with a stranger. So I sympathise with what you are going through.

What I am going to do is based on advice from here really - and maybe it would help you too?

I am going to try and get a diagnosis - or not, as the case may be. At least I will know more.

Over the next few weeks I am going to write down all the things that make me think I may be autistic, and I am going to write down in large letters across the top of the paper something like:

'I think there is something else at the root of this depression. Treating the depression is not helping and it would make sense to look at what might be the root cause. I would like to be taken seriously in this and see a qualified, experienced, autism professional, even if it is only to rule out autism.'

Then I am going to make an appointment and ask for a referral.

Autism is not visible and your GP is not a specialist in this area. They seem to mistrust self diagnosis, and I can see reasons for that, but at the same time, we are not all idiots either. If I had a dodgy mole I would expect to be referred to someone who could check for cancer, rather than be fobbed off with cosmetic surgery - which to my mind is equivalent to being given anti-depressants. (You'll see I have no trouble with metaphor!)

If you feel that's all too much, maybe a mental health charity - like NAS or MIND have some services in your area and can help you sort it out in your own head. Myself I think going for a diagnosis is the best route. Good luck to you whatever you decide