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I'm struggling to decide

TeaRex

If I should ask my GP for a diagnosis or not or if I am even aspie at all.

I've been to my docs so many times in the past 9 months regards anxieties, stress and life issues holding me back. I can't help but feel they're sick of seeing me and maybe they think I'm looking for excuses for being lazy/failure. I've already been referred for ADHD that didn't become of anything because even though I fee I have ADHD symptoms that affect my life, my assessor didn't think so and dismissed it as 'traits' that don't warrent any kind of treatment.

Everyone seems to want to focus more on childhood when this is an area of my life I struggle to remember and I've never kept any paper records that have documented my struggles. And I don't mean to sound too harsh about my mum (I love my mum) but I don't think she has the ability to have recognized any issues with me as a child. Anytime I ask her about my childhood, it feels like a very robotic answer of 'I was a good kid, was no trouble at all'. And that's all I get. I personally remember tantrums where I felt like my life had ended. Tantrums where I would scream in the street to bring attention to myself in hopes someone would take me away, I had what I believe you would call separation anxiety when my mum went to the shop and left me at home if she was longer than 10 minutes (she always talked to the shopkeeper for ages) I would panic, I would believe my anger and rage would bring her home (even though she wasn't there to see it) and at times I would physically go and get her. 

I socialized OK as a child I think. I never liked going to other kids houses for tea and I was never a fan of them coming over to mine either, but I talked and played with other kids if I had to. Personally I preferred my own company. Never a Dan of sharing but did it because I was told it was polite and this is what I had to do.

I never noticed any issues with myself until I started being bullied at comprehensive school. Dismissed the issues because I didn't understand them everything got so much worse the older I got and now at 30 everything us still getting worse. I don't know why, or if this is an ASD thing but I am finding that I struggle to understand a lot of things that it seems 'normal' people have no problem with. Forms. Forms are my nightmare because they word everything so 'adult' that there's no possible way for me to comprehend! I feel like my thoughts and experiences are mature, but the way in which I process and break down information is still child-like and I'm absolutely sure this is not an NT thing in any way, but I just don't know which area this relates to, how to combat it, if thus aspect can be treated or how to tackle it. I suppose I'm here on the ASD forums because  I feel I relate to the bare symptoms and some of it makes sense. But not all?

I've recently been diagnosed with SA too but I think that is just a symptom of deeper, unresolved issues. 

Parents

  • Thanks for taking the time to write, Longman. There isn't much doubt in my mind about myself. I am worried though, that it doesn't show and I won't be able to communicate my long term issues. 'Mates' ?!?! LOL. Don't have.

    You are right, it is difficult to judge, being on the inside of it things. I wonder if, given that I have survived OK till 57, that maybe I am just maladjusted and naturally prone to depression. Perhaps that will be the verdict - but I would like confirmation one way or the other, and I think it should be a simple process - they have trained professionals and diagnostic tests for just this reason do they not?

    I am fine in brief, superficial contacts - 'good morning' ' Nice day' etc but in depth and long term I am not OK. I never normally make eye contact - except when I am lying. I get shocked by it - I am struck dumb - brain does not engage, I am powerless to explain anything, overwhelmed by a person's presence and unable to think at all, let alone string together a coherent argument or explanation. That only comes out later - frustrating, leads to lots of repressed anger etc, of course, leading to depression.....

    Sensory overload is what makes me struggle to string together a sentence in normal conversation and I can digress so much and for so long that I never get round to the main point of the sentence I started. Sometimes every word needs to be qualified - lots of brackets. Nobody seems to hear me, and I fear it will be the same with medical professionals - like my GP sending me to some psychologist who wants to know if I would like to talk about a 44 year old suicide attempt when I'm sitting there with a list of notes and examples of how I feel I fit on the autistic spectrum.

    I don't 'want' to be autistic - its just that it explains so much. It would be such a relief to tell my mother that I wasn't just a difficult child - I have a lifelong hereditary illness that nobody knew much about in the 1960s. Or, of course, maybe i have picked up on autism as an excuse for all my problems, failures and bad behaviour. That's a possibility too. Either way things are coming to a head. I am struggling to function, I only get through the days by play-acting in short bursts and I'm not doing half of what I should be, let alone what i could do. Should book another GP appointment i guess.

    I only looked in this morning because I was still bothered by a semi-literate student's 'nah-ne-nah'playground-type comments. I suppose in 3 years time that's what we'll be dealing with as a trained professional. Ah well - off for another deadly day of casting pearls before swine  in the shop.....thank godness for anonymity.

Reply

  • Thanks for taking the time to write, Longman. There isn't much doubt in my mind about myself. I am worried though, that it doesn't show and I won't be able to communicate my long term issues. 'Mates' ?!?! LOL. Don't have.

    You are right, it is difficult to judge, being on the inside of it things. I wonder if, given that I have survived OK till 57, that maybe I am just maladjusted and naturally prone to depression. Perhaps that will be the verdict - but I would like confirmation one way or the other, and I think it should be a simple process - they have trained professionals and diagnostic tests for just this reason do they not?

    I am fine in brief, superficial contacts - 'good morning' ' Nice day' etc but in depth and long term I am not OK. I never normally make eye contact - except when I am lying. I get shocked by it - I am struck dumb - brain does not engage, I am powerless to explain anything, overwhelmed by a person's presence and unable to think at all, let alone string together a coherent argument or explanation. That only comes out later - frustrating, leads to lots of repressed anger etc, of course, leading to depression.....

    Sensory overload is what makes me struggle to string together a sentence in normal conversation and I can digress so much and for so long that I never get round to the main point of the sentence I started. Sometimes every word needs to be qualified - lots of brackets. Nobody seems to hear me, and I fear it will be the same with medical professionals - like my GP sending me to some psychologist who wants to know if I would like to talk about a 44 year old suicide attempt when I'm sitting there with a list of notes and examples of how I feel I fit on the autistic spectrum.

    I don't 'want' to be autistic - its just that it explains so much. It would be such a relief to tell my mother that I wasn't just a difficult child - I have a lifelong hereditary illness that nobody knew much about in the 1960s. Or, of course, maybe i have picked up on autism as an excuse for all my problems, failures and bad behaviour. That's a possibility too. Either way things are coming to a head. I am struggling to function, I only get through the days by play-acting in short bursts and I'm not doing half of what I should be, let alone what i could do. Should book another GP appointment i guess.

    I only looked in this morning because I was still bothered by a semi-literate student's 'nah-ne-nah'playground-type comments. I suppose in 3 years time that's what we'll be dealing with as a trained professional. Ah well - off for another deadly day of casting pearls before swine  in the shop.....thank godness for anonymity.

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