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bereavement

Marjorie195

Our daughter took her own life 5 years ago, after a long depressive illness. Mostly, I have learned to live with it. But, I hate January.

Memories, like little bolts of lightening, have been striking. 

We have just had the best christmas for many years, with our son and new daughter in law. I was happy for while.

But it was not like christmas was years ago, the four of us happy together.

Our brand new beautiful christmas bauble was shattered, as though we had dropped it when we took down the tree.

  • Thank you all for your kind, supportive messages.

    We took on an allotment that year, and you are right, watching things grow, and combatting the weather and pests is quite theraputic. I am moving forward a little more each year, and have some happy memories as well as the bad patches. It is good to know that I can find friendship and support here at the times when it overwhelms me. Thank you.

  • Hiya,

    The support you had sounds terrible. It sounds like you find that type of one to one situation a bit difficult in that you freeze. I often freeze in certain situations. Perhaps, art therapy may be better for you? You won't be judged, The focus isn't directly on you, so easier for your aspergers. And the therapist is likely to be more sympathetic and less expectant and brainy on you. Remember if you do come across an unprofessional/judgmental therapist/councellor, you are entitled to complain.

    kind regards,

    Yellow Sunflower

  • My condolences Hun,

    Facing such Loss is difficult on your own and my heart goes out to you.

    I was much like yourself until I found a different type of counsellor. It's a matter of finding one that best suits you, if you decide to go down that route.

    Initially, I was highly scepticle. Indeed, I didn't even realize their were different types of Counselling available. Very naive of me really. All I knew was that the type I had, years prior, hadn't worked for me. I must say I'm glad I continued to try though. A good cousellor is worth thier weight in Gold. What you describe does sound very unprofessional.

    In speaking with others on the spectrum, it seems those with ASD hold onto grief and find it very difficult to go through the 5 stages most experience. Some support, even years later, can help you address any unaddressed emotions surrounding such trauma.

    I always think planting something in their memory is a great comfort too.

    Take Care

    Coogybear xx

  • I also lost someone I loved around Christmas, and I know what you mean about feeling sad around anniversaries and meeting their friends. To lose a child in this way is the most heartbreaking loss I can think of, so my condolences.

    I went for one session of counselling after my bereavement, but did not find this particular counsellor helpful, so didn't go back. He asked things I thought were totally irrelevant, like "how would you have liked this situation to turn out?", and "how did that make you feel?" which just made me want to punch him. This may just have been this style of counselling though, he was of the "reflective listening" school - there are many different types. 

    What helped me the most was taking on a very overgrown allotment, which gave me something to focus on for 30+ hours a week. 

  • Hi yellow sunflower, thankyou for your kind thoughts.

    I have wondered about counselling, but I have the issue that , when face to face with someone, I cannot speak about these things. It takes me so long to start, that the session is over before I can think of what to say.

    I have had counselling for other things, in the past, and I just annoyed them because I don't say what they expect. One person just stopped coming to see me with no explanation, and the other counsellor actually shouted at me and said I was wasting her time. 

    If someone asks me a question, or talks to me about something, I can take a long time to formulate a response. I have to be alone and think about it for a while, before I realise what I do think and feel. I cannot be with people and think at the same time.

    I wonder if this is an asd issue?

    I am not sad all the time now,it is just anniveraries and when I meet friends of hers etc. 

  •  So Sorry for your loss. CRUISE bereavement support should be able to help you. Or ask your G.P for councelling. Most practices have an in practice councellor. Or  even a psychologist. Because even when we think were over the worst of the bereavement, it can come back,when we least expect it, and at times of happiness, or things happening like prescious baubales smashing, can trigger of feelings of guilt, anxiety, upset. They can help with any feelings that you thought you had dealt with,which can resurface, especially at certain times, like january. They may be able to suggest ways in which you can remember your daughter and help you cope.