Recently diagnosed and spiraling

Hi and welcome to the forum. I understand about not realising that others feel and think differently - it was a bit of a shock to me too. Hope you find this forum useful.

Thank you so much. I really appreciate the help and advice. You are spot on with the masking. That is exactly what I feel.

Welcome aboard!

There's not much I can say that others haven't already.

It will take time to sink in and adjust to you're new found perspective. Don't dwell too much on the past.

It's normal to go through a period of grieving for what you know you can't be, time spent regretting the things you may think you've done wrong etc.

You will not have been anywhere near as bad as you think, talk to your wife about things, that'll help a lot.

It will improve, every day forward is a day being aware of yourself and that can be very scary, but you'll soon find a new normal. 

Masking is a weird one, some things you need to mask, same as everyone does in life, but when you're autistic it's a must at times to survive in society. It can feel fraudulent, but  don't get too focused on that. Masking uses a lot of energy, so be mindful of that too, you don't want to end up burnt out.  Be yourself when you feel you can and mask a bit when you feel you have to. It's fine.

Take you time and be sure to look after yourself, don't beat yourself up too much.

Bless you. I needed this so much. I feel stronger with each kind post. You are a great person. I appreciate your time.

Thank you Mr T. I am looking forward to understanding myself. I appreciate your advice, and I have always had trouble being kind to myself. I need to work on that now more than ever. 

MidMoT said:

I have had so many struggles with relationships, and the only person that tolerated me is my wife.

I'm very sorry to hear about your relationship struggles.

In time, when you feel ready (my previous reply refers), you and your wife might find this book helpful. It focuses on helping autistic + neurotypical couples to work on their relationships through improved mutual understanding and communication, complete with exercises that you can both complete and discuss, if you wish:

Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner

Note: the book was written when Asperger's syndrome was still an official diagnostic term, whereas this now simply falls under Autism Spectrum Disorder / Condition (ie autism). 

Caveat: when moving from discussion of one issue / scenario to the next, the author often switches which of the partners is neurodivergent (him / her), which can make it a little confusing until you've worked out who's who each time. But that inconvenience felt well worth the effort to me.

You might also find this NAS resource helpful:

NAS - Family relationships - a guide for partners of autistic people

Hello and welcome to the 'Latelings' club.

What you describe is common for us 'latelings' to feel grief and anger about the past. It is exactly that, the past. 

I was diagnosed around 18 months ago. It came as a shock to me. However, it does take time to process everything and begin to know the real you. Give yourself that time but first and foremost is to be kind to yourself. You are not broken just different.

This forum has been a very good means of support, so ask questions or just read.

Thank you so much. I am definitely going to follow through with those resources. It is nice and helps a lot talking to people similar to me. I am glad to feel a sense of community. I haven’t felt that much in my life.

Congratulations on your diagnosis and welcome to the community!

If it's any comfort, you're far from alone in going through this difficult time.

During the period following a diagnosis, it can be common for us - especially as late-diagnosed adults - to experience a lot of emotional dysregulation. Besides feeling relief about getting our diagnosis, this can also include working through a phase where we experience confusion and (backward-focused) anger, frustration, grieving and more. So please don't worry - it's normal! 

The NAS has a great set of articles focused on "after diagnosis", including one covering how you might feel during the subsequent days / weeks / months. You might find them of interest and/or helpful:

NAS - How you might feel after a diagnosis

NAS - Other advice covering post-diagnosis including:

• Talking about and disclosing your autism diagnosis
• Emotional support for family members after a diagnosis
• Formal support following an autism diagnosis
• What can I do if formal support is not offered or is not enough

In terms of what to do next, my advice at this point (ie soon after your diagnosis) would be to try and give yourself some time and breathing space to process and absorb everything that you've been through, and let your feelings settle down.

For me, as for many others here, my diagnosis turned out to be much more of the start of a new journey, rather than a conclusion full of ready-made solutions for my various difficulties.  

Therapy is often recommended after a diagnosis as a follow up action for your GP to arrange. You might find it helpful to borrow or buy this book, which includes discussion of various types of therapy and counselling, together with advice on choosing the right therapist or counsellor - all from an autistic person's viewpoint. Several of us here have found it very helpful, myself included:

The Autistic Survival Guide to Therapy

Thank you, and I respect your candor. I honestly think it was just a lot. I didn’t see it coming, and I was going to therapy because of a fractured relationship with my eldest daughter, and other difficulties I have had with relationships and life. I am looking forward to accepting myself, but I need to understand myself more. That is why I am here. Thank you again for your understanding, and insight.

I think you need to try to apply some rational thinking here.   You say you've gone from this ignorant behaviour which manifested itself in hurting others - essentially into this self-aware character who is remorseful of all those years in which you inflicted yourself on those you care about. 

Perspective is certainly called for.  You must have thought there were issues which may have prompted you going for a diagnosis in the first place.  You do care, certainly enough to investigate, and certainly enough to have insight and to change.  

Stop beating yourself up about it.  We cannot help how we are wired when we are born.  It always irks me that it is so often the role of the ASD individual to have this eureka moment, or to reach out to the neuro-typicals - when society is designed by and for the 95% that are not ASD.  Surely they should be more inclusive toward us, in the same way they should be more inclusive of other minorities.  

That's my perspective.  I realise things have changed suddenly, and it is a lot to take on board, but you sound like someone with the capabilities to make a success of your new insights, especially with the support of your partner.  Now people know your directness wasn't rude, just the way you were designed, it is less likely you'll be perceived as so - and you'll have less trouble going forward too.  

It is easy to be negative at this point, but as they say, every cloud comes with a silver lining. 

Thank you Martin. I think I am just overwhelmed. I really appreciate your help. That honestly helps with the perspective. I feel like some of the weight has been lifted.

Try looking at things from the perspective that you have not intentionally done things to hurt others, but your actions were affected by the differential brain architecture you have due to being autistic. You are not morally responsible for the way your brain developed before you were born.