Feeling lonely and dont know what to do

I had very similar feelings to you when I was your age (I'm 41 now). I felt completely alone during my time at university and my first few years into my career, not feeling like I belonged anywhere.

I eventually decided I had to do something about it, which wasn't easy but I kind of forced myself out of that situation. This is what I did, this may not necessarily apply to you 

First thing I did was give up alcohol, simply because I didn't enjoy drinking it and only did it because all other adults expected me to. For me it was a small step to say who I really was and that I would not back down because of peer pressure.

Another thing I did was find ways to meet new people. It was very uncomfortable for me and took a lot of willpower, but I slowly learned through exposure that the more I did something the less anxious I became. I chose to volunteer for the Red Cross as a first aider. I saw it as learning an important skill, getting out and about to help at events, and focusing on helping others takes you away from your own worries. I still couldn't say I made any friendships doing that, but I did get to meet people and talk to others.

You may need to tailor this to your situation and interests, but finding a way to meet people whilst focusing on a shared activity is usually helpful.

Hi Goblin and welcome

It's common for autistic people to struggle with emotional control and finding and keeping friends, so be assured that you're not alone.

I'm an older woman and I only post in the public forum on here, but there are a few younger members who would like to make some friends. Maybe read through a few posts and if you think you have some things in common or could get along with someone, send them a friend request. Be careful with giving out personal information though.

If you want to make friends IRL, try looking for a local group or college course you could join, to mix with others who share your interests.

Try to get out for a walk as often as you can too - it really can help mental health.

Hope things improve soon.

It's normal for me to be that alone. I don't know how normal it is for others, but you're not the only one; I can relate.

I've been a gamer my whole life. Learned to read while playing The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. I don't know much about 40k, but I've played some of a few video games in the franchise. Vermintide and Dark Tide mostly. I know if I were to get into it, my heart would belong to the Orkz. Dem krunchy boiz fight good WAAAGH!

Maybe you feel more alone than you actually are if that makes sense. I mean you’re surrounded by people on here. You can make friends easily. But friends are just friends your biggest friend is yourself. Low self esteem is your issue I think. You need something to boost that somehow. 

I dont really have any advice to give you but im in very much the same situation. Im nearly 26 and making friends is a mystery to me. I tried all throughout college and uni but nothing ever came of it. Id think i was getting along well with someone but we were always just acquaintances. As soon as class ended they'd go off with their actual friends and i'd see how different they were with them.

I had no friends until about year 3-4 in primary school, and even that i think had something to do with my teacher responding to my mum raising concerns about my lack of friends by... announcing to the entire class that i had no friends. The small friend group i ended up with was great, but within that i only had one "real" friend i was actually properly close to (who then moved away). I kept the same friend group into high school, but i still felt that they were way closer to each other than to me. I was left out of the loop for a lot of things and they mostly hung out outside of school without me. We lost touch gradually once we werent in school anymore, but the rest of the group are still close. As far as i know, im the only one they lost touch with. Part of that was my fault as I struggle to keep up relationships online/not in person, but i really made an effort to keep in touch. It just drifted off over time.

10 years later and ive still never made new friends. Its like the only time making friends worked for me was when we were children and liking pokemon was enough to bond over. Now as an adult i dont even know where to start. I have acquaintances at work and we talk about games and stuff, but we arent close. I wouldnt consider them friends, and i dont think they consider me a friend either. And people at work are all closer with each other than they are with me. Its like i get stuck at "acquaintance" and can never get any further than that.

Im incredibly lonely and probably wouldnt interact with anyone on a regular basis outside of work if i didnt still live at home. But trying to make friends just seems pointless and exhausting ay this point since its never worked in the past. I was bullied quite badly thoughout primary and high school, and then again but less severly in university and at my first job, so trying and failing to get close to people is really painful. I dont want to get made fun of again and taking the risk seems pointless since its never worked in the past anyway. The times when i was actively trying to make friends just lead to me getting bullied again and knocking my confidence in normal interactions.

I feel like im stuck between a rock and a hard place because my only optoins are stay lonely and miserable, or put myself out there and be lonely and miserable and anxious and feel much worse when I inevitably fail to make connections with people like i have in the past. Even if there is a chance id make friends with someone it just doesnt even seem worth it to go though all the risk of gettig hurt or humiliated. Its the devil i know vs the devil i also know who has a slim chance of giving me what i want if i suffer for it.

Hi Goblin and welcome to the community!

I'm sorry to hear about your mental health issues and loneliness. Many of us here struggle with making and maintaining friends, so you're definitely not the only one.

The NAS has some great resources, which you might find helpful - they include guidance / advice along with signposting to further sources of support:

NAS - Making friends - a guide for autistic adults

NAS - Loneliness

There are also resources covering mental health, including "depression" and "seeking help with mental health":

NAS - Mental health

If you haven't yet done so, I suggest discussing how you're feeling with your GP, who may be able to offer support (which might include medication and/or therapy, for example).

You might also like to ask your GP practice about getting support from their social prescriber, who can help to address your loneliness and lack of social interaction - this is something that I plan on doing myself soon, following my own diagnosis about a year ago.

Finally, please do stick around here - you're already among new friends! :)

Bless you Goblin. I read your post, share your pain and want to reach out in the limited capacity that I can as I love people despite my inability to make lasting connections.

I've regarded 'loneliness' for some time now as being a state of mind and a way of life, more than just the absence of friends and sociable experiences. But don't be deceived into despair by this analysis. 

I've learnt that getting yourself outside, granted as hard as this can be in reality, can help you to feel more adjusted to exist within a state of nature. Hearing birdsong from your bedroom window and being outside to witness a bird scurrying in the undergrowth for worms whilst you sit on a lonely park bench and observe can be very different experiences. To feel the rain on your head or the warmth of the sun on your skin whilst watching people walk past can feel lonely but can also feel very different from watching the permutations of the weather and the dynamics of social interaction from your living room window (or from the bus window, for example). 

Sorry, once again I turn into a mental block as to where I'm going with this. I think what I'm trying to say is that being able to physically exist outside of four walls can give you a kind of energy or soulful boost that you can't necessarily get from remaining indoors. Maybe it's simply a contrast thing - so nothing wrong with an indoor lifestyle, as long as you can experience the contrast with outdoor experiences, no matter how small and seemingly insignificant they may be.

As always, know that you are not alone. On occasion I have been fortunate enough to have someone initiate conversation with me on a park or town bench (I really struggle to initiate conversation) and I have even felt at ease, believe it or not. 

Be realistic in your expectations of alleviating loneliness but also be prepared to believe the erstwhile unbelievable, such as feeling at ease in nature (urban or rural) and having sociable encounters that seemingly come out of the blue. There is hope. Hope for humanity in reaching us to us lonely folk and hope that we in turn find ourselves, at certain times and places, as being prepared to push ourselves out of our comfort zones just that little bit, enough to reach out and narrow the prospects of accepting a life of loneliness as the undisputed norm. It may seem so, but it doesn't have to be.

Bless you, my friend.

Andrew