Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi Everyone!
I hope this finds you all well. I've been dating a man for the past 6 months....its been on and off because of communication issues, and he has had panic attacks in certain scenarios (ie, crowds, loud music, and a 'black box' theater show). When the panic attacks happen, its often caused arguments.
Honestly, I started wondering if he might be on the spectrum months ago. But, obviously he didn't have a diagnoses yet.
I guess my main reason for writing...is to try to understand how he might be feeling right now. Is anyone out there able to relate and tell me how they felt when they found out their diagnoses (preferably if it came while in your late 30's to early 40's) ? What did you need from your loved ones, and friends? What DIDNT help from others.
I care deeply for him, and I'm not going anywhere. I guess I'm just nervous of doing the wrong thing. Do I ask how he is feeling? I don't want to be overbearing. So do I just go on as normal, and let HIM bring things up when he feels he needs someone to just listen? I suppose some of it will be trial and error....but, if anyone has advice they could give, Id so greatly appreciate it. I want him to know I'm there for him. And I obviously want to make sure he knows I don't feel any differently about him because of it.
Thanks!
I also recommend this book, which aims to help couples who are comprised of a neurotypical partner and a neurodivergent partner to improve their communication and mutual understanding:
Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner
Hi and welcome to the community!
The NAS has a great set of resources focused around diagnosis. You - and he - might find them helpful, especially at such an early stage post diagnosis, when it can be common for us to become emotionally dysregulated (eg including due to backward-looking anger, grief, frustration, etc), especially as late-diagnosed adults.
NAS96174 said:my main reason for writing...is to try to understand how he might be feeling right now
In direct answer to this question, this article does a great job of explaining the various factors at play, and includes insights from several autistic people:
NAS - How will I feel after receiving an autism diagnosis
Further articles covering post-diagnosis issues are available here:
NAS - After diagnosis
This is a bit extreme, in my opinion Yellow Tree 118. It may well be your experience, but I am am reminded of this old joke...
"There are three men on a train. One of them is an economist and one of them is a logician and one of them is a mathematician.
And they have just crossed the border into Scotland and they see a brown cow standing in a field from the window of the train.
And the economist says, 'Look, the cows in Scotland are brown.'
And the logician says, 'No. There are cows in Scotland of which at least one is brown.'
And the mathematician says, 'No. There is at least one cow in Scotland, of which one side appears to be brown.'
I think that you are like the economist in this story. I'm prone to being the mathematician, though
I don't think it's an illness, nor a disorder even. But, that is just my opinion.
It’s good you care for your partner, I hope he is also caring for you. I think you can initiate a conversation. Maybe he would not be ready to share everything what he feels, it may be even difficult for him to recognize what he feels, so don’t push him, but just let him know you are there ready to listen when he is ready to share something. I myself experienced panic attacks especially in loud environments, what helped me are earplugs or just avoidance of certain situations. Maybe some things are just too much for him, but he wouldn’t admit it either to not lose you or maybe he would have felt lower self esteem for not being able to endure something others easily do. I had disagreements with my husband over the earplugs but he himself can see an improvement in my well-being and he sees that I still hear what he says and can actually talk to him with them in. Communication, openness, conversations are the key. Both partners should be able to communicate their needs and be heard (doesn’t matter if they are neurotypical or neurodivergent)
As far as I know Autism itself is not illness, but a disorder or condition that causes people perceive the world differently and act differently which often causes co-occurrence of other disorders. Every relationship in order to work must be two sided. Clear communication (although often challenging) should help.
That’s very kind of you you clearly care about him a lot. I don’t know what the issue you’re having is? You want to know how to support him? That’s a hard one. Sometimes with autistic people it can be all about them and quite one sided and they don’t mean to act like that buts it is basically because they are ill and need lots of attention and can get quite upset if they don’t get it. They also don’t like to accept or admit that they are ill and instead act out for attention and then say there’s nothing wrong with them because they can’t clearly identify what it actually is that’s wrong with them. So I will tell you. It’s a chemical imbalance along nerve endings in the brain. So yeh he’s ill he’s different he’s special whatever way you want to see it he will likely need lots of attention and emotional support. But if you love him and it isn’t too taxing on your mental health then this should be fine? I dunno I find it all a bit much at times but let me know how you feel. I find it difficult to support an autistic person as it’s very taxing and it can be all take with no give back. Which sucks but they’re ill. And if you tell me they’re not ill then try leaving an autistic person with no support at all it won’t last long! They just won’t look after themselves properly unless they are emotionally grounded and robust enough to take on life which is not likely as they have the chemical imbalance in the brain which then causes them to find emotional equilibrium an impossibility.