Published on 12, July, 2020
40, diagnosed at 37, dead end job, verbally abusive living situation, no help from the NHS and the government in terms of therapy for my diagnosis. No help from the council in terms of housing, the only thing keeping me going is my faith, For all intensive purposes I gave up on life 20 years ago. And yeah I have had some amazing experiences like travelling to America by myself, my weekly karaoke sessions, which have often been me on my own, and I get sick of going out on my own.
I had my ray ban sunglasses stolen on Thursday, its not about the sunglasses. I am careless, but it knocks you big time. And I was already feeling depressed as hell. I know I am not alone but I feel like I am the only person experiencing this.
People have said lets meet for a drink or message me or whatever, but they havn't the first idea about autism and neurodivergences, let alone mental health. I can't keep doing this. When will it end.
I am on the waiting list for counselling again, but its not targeted. The NHS only offer meds, to numb you so you don't become a problem to them anymore. I only work part time and would love to go on holiday again, for longer, but yeah, 2 days in Bournemouth is probably the most I will have this year. I don't really earn enough to save. Thankfully I don't have to pay rent, I countribute to household expenses when I can.
I don't even find pleasure in the things I enjoyed anymore, rarely. Honestly, so tired. Yet so thankful. I know things could be a lot worse but I don't feel too guilty for feeling like this
I am glad that your faith keeps you going. Yes, it's terrible to be in a situation where you feel stuck in life, that you hear verbal abuse at home, that mental health professionals are more willing to give you drugs, than to give you some much needed therapy.
I think that you not only need a creative passion, but for that creative passion to be recognized and appreciated by those around you. You do karaoke, you play drums, and you do photography, and that's all amazing stuff. Some people would love to play the drums, and you are living their dreams in a way by being able to play it, even though it might not seem like you are. You can also sing and do photography, which is something that not everyone can do either, and it's wonderful stuff.
I really think that the verbal abuse from home is not helpful at all, especially not on your mental health. I've experienced a lot of physical and verbal abuse growing up, and it's not until I left that situation of people who kept berating and devaluing me, is when I stopped feeling depressed and stuck with no hope for the future, to actually improving my mental health, and living life the best way I can manage. I really hope your life starts moving forward as well.
Just finding support to move me forward is a challenge. I can’t help but think if I discovered some of these things at school I might have had a focus. School was horrible. And just lumping me in the special needs section with no formal diagnosis of anything, didn’t help either