Need help with suspected AS dilemma

Low empathy is a feature of ASC, my eldest is like that in that she never offers to help and anything I have asked her to do herself (such as when I told her she had to satart making her own bed) was met with wailing and resistance.  Someone with severely low empathy has great trouble seeing things from other peoples' points of view or how they are feeling.

I only know that both daughters were bullied throughout school, this has continued as a pattern in college and work for the one I am concerned about. I think my partner is just used to the behaviours, he does not like conflict so will do things himself or let me do them instead of getting these girls to step up and take some responsibility. I have asked her on many occassions if she would like to speak to me about anything and we do have calm chats where I say I need you to do this to help me out but it is of no avail. She would not notice if a bin was overflowing or indeed the laundry basket which she had just filled to the brim. To be honest I am feeling very tired,  weary and fed up of being the housekeeper.I could be using the little time I have to be helping out my own daughter. I love my partner and when we got together I just assumed his daughters would have the natural progression of relationships and their own places. Once again thank you all. It has been good to get things off my chest and have your opinions. 

...although this is interesting (adult onset autism from a genetic condition): http://sfari.org/news-and-opinion/blog/2013/guest-blog-adult-onset

The person didn't know the individual in question then as it's her partner's child.

The most important question, surely, is whether her symptoms were present from childhood? If they were, aspergers is more likely, if not, then it is very, very unlikely to be aspergers.

I can understand why it's frustrating.  Usually, people on the spectrum are very honest, although not always so - it can go the other way.  If it is autism, there could also be co-morbid condition(s) which further complicate behaviours and traits.

It sounds like she is lying as a form of escapism along with the laying in bed.  However, like anyone, she still needs to learn acceptable behaviour.  It could be that her dad indulged her for an easy life or as I said before because he didn't see her behaviours as unusual if he has autistic tendencies himself.  It's hard once someone has reached adulthood, as they say "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" (or not without a lot of resistance anyway!).  As with a child, repeating (and showing) what is expected in a way that will reach her will eventually, although if she is depressed that will need addressing first.

Thank you for all your comments which I will take on board and try to discuss with my partner. She has recently got a part time job but it looks like they are going to let her go as she is too slow doing the work. If she does manage to wash up we are looking at five minutes per plate. She was on Job Seekers for ten years! Apart from doing an odd stint here and there. I was convinced she was in charge of them not the other way around.This being said she is an accomplished liar which both her parents and sister say also. She will say anything to save her skin. i.e. I have not been in the kitchen for two days so they are not my dishes!! So you haven't eaten or drunk then?  I have looked at dyspraxia but symptoms are not the same except maybe the gait.  Yes I am upset and frustrated when she does not lift a finger. I am out of the house ten hours a day do all their laundry and cleaning of the house. I feel that I am actually paying to be a cleaner. Sorry this has turned into me but Longman just to say why I feel this way. Thanks again for all the input, lots to think about.

 I fyou are really concerned  about the health of your partner'e daughter the only solution is to convince her to go to the docters and ask for a daignoses. If she is not working then she must be on benefits of some kind. As she is lying in bed all day I doubt she would qualify for job seekers, so must be on ESA or disability benefit so must have a sick note (or fit note as they are called now)

 I can see that you are stressed and upset by the situation. You say that you do not get on with your partners daughter, but maybe you could try and find something you have in common. Pick a time and day when you are feeling a little relaxed and ask to have a talk to her. Find out from your partner if she used to help out before you moved in. there may be others reasons fro her behaviour

It's important to remember Longman, that most autistics don't have every trait (including sensory issues and poor eye contact).  Females also present a little differently.  Obsessive behaviours can be much more diffuse and not obvious.

Also, there are autistics who shut-down rather than meltdown, again, this is likely more common in females.  So her locking herself away in her bedroom and staying in bed could be a type of shutdown.

There are definitely enough red flags for autism to be a serious consideration here.

I'd be cautious, if she just stays in bed all day, depression is more likely to be the primary characteristic, and it might be unwise to look for autism as the explanation.

Also to what extent is she a burden to you, or is it just that you feel she should contribute more? Your partner obviously accepts her the way she is, but is it your joint home and your partner has insisted you help him look after her, or is it his house where the daughter was brought up, possibly from his first marriage, and she lives there on the basis it is where she grew up, or identifies herself with his household?

The reason I ask is that none of your postings imply that she is dependent on you. I get the impression is that she is just there and you are not happy with this. It might be a state of affairs your partner accepts, and you might need to be careful about trying to get her diagnosed without good reason. A diagnoses in any case, might not necessarily be helpful, given the lack of support provided for many adults.

Your partner perhaps needs to be more open with you about her past, whereas he seems not to wish to discuss it.There may be quite complex issues here.

Just because she is a loner and doesn't form friendships could be a manifestation of depression not necessarily autism. Her way of walking and talking to herself aren't necessarily indications of autism - she could be dyspraxic - often very similar in some behaviours. But the thing that puzzles me is you admit to nagging her a lot to do things - if she was autistic she might well react and become very stressed under such pressure, but that she does not react might fit dyspraxic.

Sensory sensitivity and overload (getting very agitated, distressed or even violent reactions) might be expected of autism, also what is her eye contact like, and is it easy to engage her in conversation? Does she follow conversations? Does she fully comprehend the matter of conversation?

Her embarrassing questions about the cost of things might be a bad habit picked up from her father, given you say he does it too. It doesn't sound like autism.

Having a dirty room could be lack of self care, but as much due to depression as a characteristic of autism. On the whole there are few traits you have described that might point to autism. You need a lot more autism indicators than this.  Her speech and gait might otherwise be dyspraxia. Otherwise what you describe is someone with depression associated with lying around doing nothing and lacking motivation.

There is a danger, having found autism as a possibility, of trying too hard to make it fit - but you would see a lot more evidence of actual difficulty in social situations, understanding things, difficulties with environment, including sensory issues, organisational issues (not simply laziness or poor motivation), obsessive behaviours including frequent gestures or behaviours, highly focussed etc etc.

And as I say, it may not necessarily help her, given the deficiencies in support for adults that prevail. The major benefit would be a better understanding of herself, which could boost self confidence and self esteem. But getting someone diagnosed with a cndition that is still not well enugh understood, and often bafflingly poorly supported, isn't necessarily helpful. And might make her feel much worse and much less inclined to get motivated.

Laying in bed all day is a sign of depression, which is frequently co-morbid with ASC.  People don't usually lay in bed all day because of being lazy, it's an indication of a problem.  If you and her don't get on, this will cause her internal distress and she may be hiding away from tensions, that she has no idea why they exist nor what to do about them.

Thank you for your replies it has helped me. I have not spoken to her about my concerns because to be perfectly honest I do not get on well with her. I appreciate it is now I am realising there could be an actual problem when previously I have just been so annoyed thinking she is taking the mick laying in bed all day when I am working hard and not well myself. Everything is left to me in the house as my partner works long hours too. We are at loggerheads over her dirty room and never lifting a finger so I am inclined to distance myself or end up in yet another arguement and getting upset. Thank you again for your views.

It's worth mentioning that ADHD is frequently co-morbid to (and is genetically related to) autism.

From what you write, it does sound as though you would not be amiss to suspect a difficulty like AS. But other conditions could also be responsible, like dyspraxia or ADHD, which only a qualified clinician could tell you for sure.

Have you told your partner's daughter of your concerns? She might be aware already of being different.

There is, however, the danger of labelling people with aspergers when the label does not always apply, and this is because autism is a spectrum. Many of the traits exist in the general population, but it would be erroneous to label all these people as having aspergers just because they have a few traits. So your partner may show traits in common with his daughter, but this does not mean he has any condition, just that there is a common genetic influence at play - aspergers is genetic, but is not always completely passed on. I almost certainly inherited some of it from my mum and dad (my dad in particular), but he does not have aspergers. True, he has always been a bit of a loner and quite self-absorbed, but he functions normally. I sometimes joke about him being a bit Asperger, but would never suggest he actually has the condition.

Your daughter sounds as though she may have Aspergers, or at least something similar. A diagnosis would open doors for her to access support, but even if she does not have Aspergers, it sounds as though she needs help.

It does sound that he at least could have some autistic traits, and perhaps has learned a lot of masking skills (which many autistics do over the years) and is definitely on the spectrum.  Asking inappropriate things, or asking things at inappropriate times is a feature.  Many people on the autistic spectrum have OCD tendencies and this can display as neatness, one of my children is very neat and the other is very messy (both on the spectrum, like myself).

You will find links to tests you can take such as the AQ10 and the AQ50 which you might want to get your partner and his daughter to take, if they take umbrage just tell them it can just be to satisfy their own curiosity and it's their choice if they take it further or not.

Thank you very much for your reply. My partner doesn't share any of the traits I mentioned as regards his daughter. Although he doesn't have any friends just aquaintances but one thing is he thinks it is just fine to ask anyone about everything  'how much did this/ that cost you? ' which his daughter does too and I find hugely embarrassing.. Oh this has really made me think now of the family connection as his other daughter is friendless but has always worked and is neat and tidy. She also speaks in statements and not flowing conversations. 

Yes, it sounds very much like she is on the autistic spectrum (which is a neurological difference, not something 'wrong with' you).

I have made a thread which is stickied about adults getting assessed and diagnosed which has a lot of information that will help.

Does your partner have any similarities to his daughter?  I ask because ASC is largely genetic and if he dismisses her differences it may be because he recognises those traits in himself and doesn't see anything wrong.  Autism is a very individual thing and each person will have their own strength/balance of the traits, it doesn't appear the same in everyone.  Just thought it worth mentioning.