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Masking Problems

s08

Hey guys I'm looking for some advice or to possibly relate to someone. 

I was diagnosed Autistic in adulthood. As loads of Autistic people do, I mask a lot, both around strangers and the closest of family. Because of this, some members haven't been very understanding or supportive. I've shared my information and experience on social media but these individuals believe I'm putting on an act or making it up. Claiming that I am lying to the Autistic community and that I'll end up "exposed" and the community I've built will soon find out and come after me.

Now, I have some more "noticeable" signs such as difficulty with socialisation and social understanding, but I tend to mask almost every other trait, and only my partner and immediate household members have had an insight to the "real me" (emphasis on the fact that no one has seen me fully unmasked. I suppose my question is what do I do from here? I thought a diagnosis would help others understand me and allow me to express my hidden difficulties, but it seems that I have to continue hiding them more so now than ever. I also worry in case someone brings these apparent lies to light and then my community and customers will be let down when I've actually done nothing wrong!

  • Hi,

    The suggestion of my autism only came to light last year after years of difficulties. I was diagnosed as a common and garden depressive about 30 years ago. Apparently this wasn't the case.

    For me something happened around 8 years ago I suffered a burnout and my brain decided independently that I wasn't going to automatically mask. At this point I didn't know what was happening , I thought my depression had just gotten dramatically worse.

    Since the suggestion of my autism and several long discussions with a phycologist I have gained acceptance and a degree of understanding of my condition. 

    Most people wouldn't believe that I am autistic. And I'm not keen on outing myself as I'd rather not have the attention. I don't think many people would believe that I was on the spectrum.

    Many people have a very limited view of autism and the media do not help, whether it's film Rainman or the book/play the dog that barks in the nighttime. We are all different, some are profoundly affected and others pass as "normal"(I apologise for the term) and everything in-between.

    I have discussed my diagnosis with my wife and mother (the phycologist wanted to speak to her for medical history).

    Don't be hard on yourself, life is hard enough without additional pressure. Take care.

  • in reply to s08

    You will. Beginning with your partner and immediate family members is probably what I'd do.

    Speak to them about what they could do to help you, maybe? I'm sure you're doing that sort of thing already.

  • in reply to HMO

    I'm so glad you're starting to accept and present yourself as who you really are!

    I'm sure I'll get there in my own time, I'm trying not to let anything bother me!

  • in reply to s08

    The main advice I'd give you is to not put pressure on yourself (at all). There's no need to do it all at once.

    I'm still in that place of worrying what the reaction is, but I go out and about with my sunflower lanyard on so I'm getting there!

  • in reply to Autumn_Trees

    Thank you so much.

    I'm a children's author/illustrator but I write books about disabilities both invisible and visible which is why my platform is quite a powerful one and why it would look badly if it appeared I was pretending!

  • in reply to HMO

    Thank you so much for your kind words.

    It's so hard when you think you're making progress and then it backfires! I know from masking almost always I'm so exhausted from it so I hope one day it can drop a little and the reactions will be kind.

  • Hey S08 - 

    I was also diagnosed as an adult, so I know the feeling. 

    I'm sorry you have to mask so heavily around people - that's a real shame. It's hard to know how to comment about how you would present yourself in your business, etc, without knowing what you actually do for a living. 

    I also mask a lot (I think?) even on my own, and some stims come out when I am just alone totally. But recently I have let some things out around people and nobody has said it, but I have had some weird looks. 

    I will be following your post to read more replies. x

  • I think I still mask around the vast majority of people in my life, with the exception of my therapist and my one trusted contact (no friends currently because I pushed them all away), and even then I'm only vaguely allowing the real me to come out.

    I think I'm still extremely conscious of my behaviour and movements and facial expressions and everything else, but at the same time not as much as I used to be.

    I don't want you to feel like you have to keep hiding your difficulties. I have spent most of my life downplaying my struggles and withholding support, and I haven't come away unscathed. Because I was so ashamed of asking for support I pushed it down and I still struggle.

    I think it's important to have those people you can be honest with (not just mentioning that you're autistic) and hopefully allow the real you to come out. Be it close friends or whoever.

    I don't think you're lying either. You are very appreciated within this community.