Constantly Masking

You know, I still find this a tough concept to grasp.  I don't think I ever go about life pretending to be different to be acceptable, but I am sure I have a hundred and one exhausting compensation strategies to get to the 'what others think' business and 'what do they need of me' business and 'how to communicate what I really mean so they'll get it' business.

Is there a difference between 'masking' and 'adaptation' or compensation?

Drawing on logic rather than intuiting this stuff is tiring for sure.  But if I didn't do that, I'd never successfully communicate with anyone.

Or pressures from yourself? Try to be more assertive with yourself. Say "no" to things. It's difficult though! Especially if you are a people pleaser. I often wonder why I end up doing things I wouldn't want to do but other people wouldn't do it. Sometimes I say to myself "what would others do in this situation?"  Try to adapt your environment as best you can. Set time limits on social events. If you can't get out of masking,  build in time afterwards to recuperate. I'm starting to chip away at the mask but it's hard. I'm more aware of it now but a lot is still subconscious. At work someone struck up a conversation but I didn't have the bandwidth to keep it up so didnt. (In the past, i would've). I felt a bit awkward but now think "oh well it's not the end of the world".  I've also found if I choose myself what to attend, I feel less demand and more likely to enjoy it. I find I'm more accepting of myself now for the first time in my life. Once you realise that you're ok as you are, this helps chip away at it too because you feel less need to be different (neurotypical).

I know if I continued as I did I would end up in the place I've found myself in for the past X number of years. I've realised it's exhausting and not that pleasant. So I'd say start to chip away at the conscious masking but it won't happen overnight.

Catlover said:

I know when I am doing it-but only some of the time. Often it’s automatic and I don’t even think about it.

I think this is what makes it tricky when considering energy management. It’s so easy to go through a day, carefully considering what to do/ not do for the sake of preserving some energy. Only for exhaustion to sneak up on you, due to the almost automatic (and sometimes tricky to spot) nature of masking. 

Catlover said:

I guess we just need to be more mindful of ourselves

This is very true. I feel that I’m learning the importance of this statement more and more as time goes on. 

I think I tend to filter as well as mask at times, I don't always say how I feel (filter). I pretend I'm happy, when I'm not (mask). Hope that makes sense. I just try to avoid stress as much as I can, but as we know it's not always possible. Yes it can be exhausting, seems not to get any easier as we get older, either. 

I very much struggle with social groups, so avoid them. I dislike working in groups, full stop, reason I'm now a lone worker, I'm coping so much better now & actually like going to work most of the time. Group face to face training sessions can be so stressful for me to cope with, both prior to my training day & during it. I have to really push myself to do them. I've found training online so much better over the last two years, since Covid. Now it's starting to be more classroom based, again. 

Maybe you need to take some time out & do some things that you like to do, not need to mask. Go for a walk or a hobby that you could really get some enjoyment from, a bit of time to yourself to focus on what you really want. 

Most people change their behaviour when 'in public', neurotypicals included. It is important for a functioning society. Everyone being entirely unfettered by social conventions and completely honest would lead to chaos. Masking, or camouflaging, for autistic people is only a problem when it causes adverse effects. If it is causing unbearable exhaustion, shutdowns, meltdowns, or mental ill health, then it is a problem. If you are masking to an extent and for a duration that does not negatively impact you, then it is not a problem.

I think the problem with masking is, it’s a lot more than we think. I know when I am doing it-but only some of the time. Often it’s automatic and I don’t even think about it. That’s where my exhaustion come from. I guess we just need to be more mindful of ourselves and think about whether we really do want to say or do things, or because it will be ‘better for other people’, or cause them less upset…