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High Functioning Autism and Suspicion

BAFNAS80781

Hi,

I just wanted to reach out on a topic that has haunted me all my adult life and one that I was able to pin down through therapy. I am unable to fit in with groups, societies or the workplace because everyone I meet who doesn't know me well becomes suspicious of me over time and quite often people simply 'ghost' me or freeze me out over time. My therapist suggested that this is because I "don't add up" in people's mind due to masking. If I try to fit in then they believe that I'm faking my autism and if I unmask and show vulnerability they either treat me as inferior or a problem or thinking I'm faking it and being a drama queen or exaggerating my experience when in reality I'm toning it down. This all leads to me not liking myself and becoming suspicious of myself and trying to do far more than I'm capable of to fit in, which leads to disassociation and becoming alienated from my true self - the self that used to lie on my bed daydreaming for hours and be 'lazy' and inactive or wanted to be in nature as far away from people as possible. I'm just about to embark on an employment program to try to expand my shrinking life but you know what, maybe it's me who has shrunk and not my life and that work and social obligations have actually shut down my imaginative space and made me bored when I was never bored as a child. 

Just the thought of groups, societies and the social workplace make  me angry! 

Hmmm 

  • Yes this has happened to me - in one case catastrophically and that I’m still attempting to cope with, and largely failing. I wish I’d had my diagnosis before that particular ghosting began, as the trauma of being perceived as ‘off’ and the resultant overnight exiling by someone who meant the world to me has brought me to ongoing heights of unresolvable panic and depths of despair that I couldn’t even have conceived of before, even as someone who always struggled with a more than usual degree of the former especially. 

  • Update: So yesterday was my first day at the volunteering job. I only did two hours out of a four hour shift because they ran out of work for me to do but today I feel exhausted. Not only did I sleep in longer this morning but I'm so slow and lethargic. All the stress from that shift came not from the tasks I had to do but from social interaction and sensory issues. It's ridiculous! Capitalist society expects people to strive, be strong and aim towards full-time work and being an 'economically active' but basically without the benefits I'm on an the leeway the government gives me I'd probably end up dead. I'm like those impala you see who can't keep up with the herd and end up a Lion's dinner! Interesting that the lion has long been a symbol used by the establishment as a model of strength! Someone in a religious group once said the problem is that I'm "spiritually weak" and all my life I've been called slow and lazy. I've actually achieved a lot in life but I'm burnt out as a result and my mental health is a mess. I sometimes wonder if I'd have been happier if I'd been born 10-20 years later and been put in a SEND school!?

    Apologies for the rant 

  • Sometimes it's nice to do activities without worrying about whether or not we fit in. I like to attend clubs and societies which are focussed on the subject and less on the people that attend. For instance, I went to a creative writing group on Zoom which I found on Meetup.com. It was run by someone who was friendly and who organised short writing tasks which were fun and we could share them afterwards if we wanted to. There was a bit of light banter discussing what we thought of each other's writing but essentially we were sharing without getting involved personally. I enjoyed it so much that I am looking for more events like that. I'm thinking of hobbies and interests I have and then I'm going to try some more groups. There is no long-term commitment and many events are free. This might be worth a try!

    Sometimes I go to the library just to feel part of society but without having to connect. When I am feeling introspective I can feel separate and distant from people so I try to get active and stop thinking about it. There are probably lots of people who don't feel that they fit in but they are not going to say so and they perhaps don't even think about it much.

  • Hmmm indeed. It's less you or your life shrinking, perhaps, but more a modern society and a social mentality of others too small to contain your expanse.

    Glad I'm near retirement. I've had enough of the socio-economic restraints.