Hi,
I just wanted to reach out on a topic that has haunted me all my adult life and one that I was able to pin down through therapy. I am unable to fit in with groups, societies or the workplace because everyone I meet who doesn't know me well becomes suspicious of me over time and quite often people simply 'ghost' me or freeze me out over time. My therapist suggested that this is because I "don't add up" in people's mind due to masking. If I try to fit in then they believe that I'm faking my autism and if I unmask and show vulnerability they either treat me as inferior or a problem or thinking I'm faking it and being a drama queen or exaggerating my experience when in reality I'm toning it down. This all leads to me not liking myself and becoming suspicious of myself and trying to do far more than I'm capable of to fit in, which leads to disassociation and becoming alienated from my true self - the self that used to lie on my bed daydreaming for hours and be 'lazy' and inactive or wanted to be in nature as far away from people as possible. I'm just about to embark on an employment program to try to expand my shrinking life but you know what, maybe it's me who has shrunk and not my life and that work and social obligations have actually shut down my imaginative space and made me bored when I was never bored as a child.
Just the thought of groups, societies and the social workplace make me angry!
Hmmm
