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High Functioning Autism and Suspicion

BAFNAS80781

Hi,

I just wanted to reach out on a topic that has haunted me all my adult life and one that I was able to pin down through therapy. I am unable to fit in with groups, societies or the workplace because everyone I meet who doesn't know me well becomes suspicious of me over time and quite often people simply 'ghost' me or freeze me out over time. My therapist suggested that this is because I "don't add up" in people's mind due to masking. If I try to fit in then they believe that I'm faking my autism and if I unmask and show vulnerability they either treat me as inferior or a problem or thinking I'm faking it and being a drama queen or exaggerating my experience when in reality I'm toning it down. This all leads to me not liking myself and becoming suspicious of myself and trying to do far more than I'm capable of to fit in, which leads to disassociation and becoming alienated from my true self - the self that used to lie on my bed daydreaming for hours and be 'lazy' and inactive or wanted to be in nature as far away from people as possible. I'm just about to embark on an employment program to try to expand my shrinking life but you know what, maybe it's me who has shrunk and not my life and that work and social obligations have actually shut down my imaginative space and made me bored when I was never bored as a child. 

Just the thought of groups, societies and the social workplace make  me angry! 

Hmmm 

Parents

  • Update: So yesterday was my first day at the volunteering job. I only did two hours out of a four hour shift because they ran out of work for me to do but today I feel exhausted. Not only did I sleep in longer this morning but I'm so slow and lethargic. All the stress from that shift came not from the tasks I had to do but from social interaction and sensory issues. It's ridiculous! Capitalist society expects people to strive, be strong and aim towards full-time work and being an 'economically active' but basically without the benefits I'm on an the leeway the government gives me I'd probably end up dead. I'm like those impala you see who can't keep up with the herd and end up a Lion's dinner! Interesting that the lion has long been a symbol used by the establishment as a model of strength! Someone in a religious group once said the problem is that I'm "spiritually weak" and all my life I've been called slow and lazy. I've actually achieved a lot in life but I'm burnt out as a result and my mental health is a mess. I sometimes wonder if I'd have been happier if I'd been born 10-20 years later and been put in a SEND school!?

    Apologies for the rant 

Reply

  • Update: So yesterday was my first day at the volunteering job. I only did two hours out of a four hour shift because they ran out of work for me to do but today I feel exhausted. Not only did I sleep in longer this morning but I'm so slow and lethargic. All the stress from that shift came not from the tasks I had to do but from social interaction and sensory issues. It's ridiculous! Capitalist society expects people to strive, be strong and aim towards full-time work and being an 'economically active' but basically without the benefits I'm on an the leeway the government gives me I'd probably end up dead. I'm like those impala you see who can't keep up with the herd and end up a Lion's dinner! Interesting that the lion has long been a symbol used by the establishment as a model of strength! Someone in a religious group once said the problem is that I'm "spiritually weak" and all my life I've been called slow and lazy. I've actually achieved a lot in life but I'm burnt out as a result and my mental health is a mess. I sometimes wonder if I'd have been happier if I'd been born 10-20 years later and been put in a SEND school!?

    Apologies for the rant 

Children
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