Communicating everything coming out wrong

Thanks James, 

It does sound very similar to my experience. I feel I am a "people pleaser", rather than say I don't want or like something I will roll with it to avoid a conflict or argument. But I don't know if this is me being subservient or that the things that I go along with don't actually mean that much for me and I am happy to roll with. 

There are things and times that if I am strongly against or disagree with, I will stand up and say that I disagree, and have concluded that I weigh up the different positions. If my wife strongly feels something is the best way then I go along with it, it is something she is passionate about and I am indifferent why would I not go with it.

Thank you everyone for your replies I have been reading them and taking on board what you have all said. My wife has made a lot of changes in how she communicates with me. Slowing down conversations, giving me time to process what she has said before looking for a response. She is also noticing when I am struggling to tell her something, its like she can see me psyching myself up and structuring what I want to say in my head before saying it. 

Steps I have put in place and things that I want to change see to only work for a few weeks then I drop back into previous habits. Is this an autism thing or just me being lazy and unfocussed? I start with good intentions, simple things like putting my schedule in the kitchen calendar, I will do for a few weeks, then slowly begin to forget to put things in. 

This follows through we will get on great and be really happy, then something happens, we have an argument and go back to square one, and I become "huffy" as she puts it, I close down, and take myself off to another room, and don't want to talk to anyone, just sit and mope for a few hours. 

I can defo relate at times, more so in the past, to people reading some commonly recognised social overtone into an action or sentence of mine where there was none intended. This sort of mixup has ranged as my being viewed artificially as anything from flirtatious to oblivious to blunt or whatever depending on context.

I think your wife needs to bear in mind that she should also try to communicate on your terms as well as trying to form your communication into something more neurotypical. It's interesting that you felt the strategies in relationship communication helped but she doesn't.

Maybe ask her to list the reasons why she feels it didn't help while you list the reasons you feel it did and compare notes.

What does she want to talk about?

If something /anything, then the suggestions about doing stuff together here are good. It should generate conversation without you having to think too much about it.

If it's about your emotional landscapes, perhaps you could both read up on autistic communication styles. Perhaps you'll both learn more about what the other means when you express things in particular ways or why you would or wouldn't naturally feel inclined to engage in verbal conversation at all. Tony Attwood talks about these partnership issues.

You don't have wait for a diagnosis to try out ways to translate each other's communication modes, learn each other's language, so to speak. But, it can't be one way, I'd suggest. She'd have to try learning to speak 'apergerese' as Attwood puts it, too.

Here's one wacky idea, which you could take or leave...With the dawning realisation that my understanding of emotions may not map to those of the folks around me, I've been looking at the emotion wheel (google that in images and they pop up). I don't see how some of them fit or how some of them are emotions at all. When lockdown is over, I think I need a chat with my girl friends to see how they see each of them in relation to how I see them. I'm not going to change how I communicate because I can't be what I'm not, but it might help me understand how others are communicating with me and help them understand what I mean. Maybe you could try an exercise like that.

Hi HappyRambling, I am undiagnosed, but believe that I show strong ASD traits (supported by my AQ test score). Communication issues with my wife and son, and at work, are my main drivers for trying to get a formal diagnosis. My wife is at the end of her tether (again!) and there is real danger that my son will grow up hating me. Whilst I can't offer you any advice, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in experiencing these issues. I am hopeful that a formal diagnosis will be the first step in improving these relationships, as we will at least have a reason for my behaviours that we can potentially work on. 

Hi HappyRambling. I can really relate to your post. It could almost have been written by me. I've been married 10 years and have always had communication issues with my wife too. I struggle to say how I feel and often am accused of being a "people pleaser". Over the years I've had anxiety and sought CBT with the outcome that they thought I had a social phobia. It wasn't until my niece was diagnosed with autism that I started to recognise many symptoms within myself. I spoke to my GP, completed several questionnaires, had a telephone appointment with mental health services and am now on the waiting list for a proper autism assessment. A lot of the things you describe I have myself such as no eye contact. I also read situations wrong and can take things literally which causes problems particularly in a relationship. The best I can say is that you aren't alone and it's good that you have spoken to your GP. At least with a formal diagnosis you will have a better understanding of any issues. Take care.

HappyRambling,

Communication and interaction is a two way street, those of us Autistic communicate in one style, nonautistic people communicate in a different style, and it's the mismatches between the communication styles that causes the problems now known as the Double Empathy Problem.

You and your wife will need to work together, she'll have to learn how to understand you as well, not just you need to understand her.

Hi HappyRambling,

I'm sorry to hear you're experiencing these kind of issues. It's good that you've been able to reach out on this forum.

HappyRambling said:

as we dont get time away from each other and so I struggle to find things to talk about.

Sometimes, there is nothing to talk about. I don't know if you are the same as me, but I find it very uncomfortable talking for the sake of talking.  If I have to, I usually preface it with:

I'm going to talk for the sake of taking right now.

This lets the other person know that I am not invested in anything I am saying or anything I am hearing from them. My family and friends really appreciate the heads up. Slowly, they have come to accept that the problem is not with me, but with them.

By making explicit my attempts at talking to them without a valid reason, they have come to see how ridiculous their expectations were. They stopped expecting me change my communication style to match theirs, and may of them started to engage in less idle chit-chat of their own.

How we communicate, how often, and on what topics is not (in my opinion) an autistic problem.

HappyRambling said:

I am waiting for an assessment referral through my GP

This is good news. I think a positive diagnosis will give you a much better understanding of your communication style and your communication preferences. 

Good luck! x

yes i spent most of my life so far masking without realising it to "fit in" and "be normal" i'm 21. but it's just not worth it i completely "lost" my true self and got nasty anxiety now i realised i'm slowly dropping the mask and yes it's anxiety provoking but feels amazing..... i'm lucky to be in a place where i have almost zero social pressure and in mostly accepting environments which makes it all much easier . but basically despite the social pressure people get it's best to accept yourself and look for accepting environments

I agree about communicating as much as you are comfortable with - or otherwise, isn't that masking?  I'm new to understanding all this though and haven't been diagnosed yet.

d (because I think before I say anything, due to anxiety. I also lack eye contact but he's used to it). But most people in regular conversations talk over each other, and conversations move on to another topic so fast, I end up just quietly nodding and smiling, barely saying a thing.

I can totally relate to this, is exactly how I am which I guess is why the first interventions from GP were social anxiety related. 

I am beginning to recognise the autistic traits that I have, but my wife is reaching the end of her tether over how I am I can’t expect her to make any more concessions, I feel I need to make changes and show that I am wanting to fight for the sake of our marriage. But am struggling to find initiatives that O can do. 

Doing an activity together, like watching something funny or playing a game together can lead to some social interactions, without all the focus solely on you (or just your wife). You should communicate as much as you are comfortable with. My partner is patient enough to wait for me to think and explain my perspective, even if I'm tripping over my words and slow to respond (because I think before I say anything, due to anxiety. I also lack eye contact but he's used to it). But most people in regular conversations talk over each other, and conversations move on to another topic so fast, I end up just quietly nodding and smiling, barely saying a thing.