Housework

Yes, I gather the French Court was the worst.  Uggg!

Hahahaha! 

I was reading a bit on royalty and how they used to live. Apparently the whole court would just continue this nomadic circular movement from one castle to the next leaving each place absolutely trashed. Worse yet, apparently they just left their human waste anywhere they wished in the castles - on the stairs, in the halls. 'Dignity' at its finest I presume. 

Oh, that's not the half of it.  I've tried to make him leave a couple of time over because of it.  It's NOT because I don't love him.  I DO. He has a heart the size of China and in many ways I couldn't live without him. But because I seriously can't handle living the way he does and no matter how I try to communicate it; I said it in a calm adult way, I've screamed it, I've drawn pictures, I've written him letters - nothing registers.  I'm beginning to think he is just pathologically unable to see or otherwise detect dirt, the way I just seem to be pathologically unable to get most of his jokes.

Trust me, I wish I could buy the house next door then put him all his debris in it.  Then I am quite sure we'd have a perfect marriage, LOL

Ughhh...do his efforts of cleaning look like 'surface' cleaning where there's still bits in corners? LOL 

I'm feeling the need to deep clean just knowing this! 'dripping debris' [face-palm]

Yep! I need order around me. I need stuff done and done in order - then, I manage. Then, I'm free and can relax. Then, I rest enough. Left to my own devices, housework is done in systematic order (though I'm slow) but then stays tidy and clean. Only then do I feel I have permission to go lose myself for hours in the archives or whatever creative project I'm currently obsessed with. I can't enjoy those activities in a domestic or administrative mess.

If I don't get that order, everything falls apart. Small jobs become exhausting. Somethings just aren't done. I can't see the wood for the trees and turn in circles feeling very stressed and not knowing where to start. It's like I'm trying to scramble up a slag heap, but someone keeps tipping more slag on the top when I'm half way up, so I never get to the top. I start my new week feeling more tired than I did at the end of the last one and with nothing I need to care for myself having been done.

I love my husband dearly, but cannot get him to understand this. He's the type who can sit in mess and disorder and not even notice. Moreover, he seems to drip debris wherever he goes. I end up feeling like I'm face down on the ground at the bottom of the slag heap with ever more of it piling on top of me.

He thinks I'm just moaning, but can't see my wellbeing and ability to function depend upon the routine and order around me. 

You probably can't! I don't think your exaggerating. I had extreme trouble managing life when I was younger. Eventually I tried explaining to a couples therapist how I had "no time" and he concurred. What struck me is the therapist asked how my commute was. To which I said, "enjoyable". And it was. I read, I breathed, I loved every minute of the tram even though it was packed and noisy, it was the only minutes rest I had in a day. And this was a 'Red Flag' my life was completely out of order as most humans hate the commute, they just want to get to where they're going.

I still have all amounts of trouble with time management and anything 'administrative'. But I literally lived once like a slave: no time for myself, for reflection, for rest, for anything enjoyable, just catching up with the next minute, barely making it to the end of the day.

Re-negotiating the ordering of your life is no short of an overhaul. Have you ever tried taking a pen & notepad (not digital) with you through the day and writing down everything your doing just after doing it? If this seems difficult, you could set up a one hour timer to remind yourself to write down what your doing. Do this for a week.

When I was younger the start to re-negotiation was recommended by a much older and wiser woman who said it was necessary a friend or the other parent take charge one day a week and I should leave the house for at least half the day. Go to the library if necessary or read in the park. This would be difficult in lockdown and while it's cold out. But that was a good start to making a change!