Intolerance of Uncertainty and Managing Emotions

Week 5: Becoming an Emotion Scientist

Wow! Two sessions in two days. I think I wanted to feel I'd done something productive, everything seems to have been a  bit aimless over the weekend - I'm also a little apprehensive about going back to work tomorrow - but at least I feel as if I'm in a better place to face it.

This is the thing that struck out for me today - noticing my physical responses in uncomfortable conversations. Easier when working from home. I'm reminded of a meeting I had a couple of weeks ago when someone got very emotional (angry?) about a particular decision. My response, even though it didn't directly affect me, was one which - I think - I felt threatened. Probably because one of my universal rules that I expect the universe to run by was being broken - or maybe it was tapping into some history. Whichever it was, I remember the experience as a difficult one.

(Reproduced from the course at https://www.coursera.org/learn/managing-emotions-uncertainty-stress)

This slide really hit home.

So it's back to practical stuff this week - uncomfortable practical stuff because it's about relating to people. I think sometimes I'm trying to "correct" the way I'm feeling when it's not so much a situation that's the problem, its my relationship with someone else. I always seem to struggle in knowing how much to tolerate in a conversation (as an example when I disclosed at work, a manager said (in a teams message) that my honesty was something they really admired in me - which I call BS, because I have never directly spoken to that person. Not once. Not ever. It was said because it as the "right" thing to say - would have it have helped to call it out? I decided not  because the intent was supportive - but it does keep running through my head. It's caught me out a few times, like when I've felt people have read too much into situations which I've seen as unimportant. "We always meet each other here" said someone - "Always! I thought? Sure, if you count once before as 'Always'". 

I think what I enjoyed about this week is that it did broaden things out. So becoming aware of our own emotions and observing them without judgement becomes a basis with which to relate to others - and it linked into diversity/inclusion issues. I'm in a group at work and I had one of those moments where things were starting to gel (it's lovely when this happens, circumstances, decisions and situations all seem to "fit" together - safely secure and green on the mood chart). It also challenged me - a lot of the time I see emotions entwined  with a situation but divorced from people - when this simply isn't the case. People do affect me. But I prefer to focus on the situation, not the person. From memory when I've tried to be open with people before I just kept getting burnt so I stopped trying. I was also excited when I read about perspective taking to counter the "thumbprint of culture" - the idea that we may consciously hold certain values but unconsciously we're still wrestling with things we've picked up the culture around us (I'm still trying to separate myself from the expectation to have that high-flying career because grades were the only thing acknowledged in the household, that is, until they weren't).

The course points this out. If my emotion education was lacking (it was) I've internalised a lot of those messages which, as my psychologist pointed out, coupled with the diagnosis means things were a bit sh*tty for me from the get-go. My folks were terrible emotion modellers. My father so distant he was a stranger to me all my life and my mother was.... unpredictable. I recognised something wasn't right, but I didn't know what to do about it. This was in the day pre-internet and mental health was, in the main, a taboo subject. So there wasn't that readily accessible waterfall of information there is now, or people willing to have those conversations.I guess now is the first time I'm really seeing it clearly - and to some extent objectively.  Perhaps I can let go of that need to punish myself for not "being enough". At least just a little. 

There was a lot today about implicit/unconscious bias - I know some of the research indicates training in this area doesn't have huge effects (but if my company is anything to go by, it's a 1hour online session and the box is ticked, actually applying the training takes a bit more commitment). 

I liked the idea of being an emotion scientist though - understanding that behaviour does not equal emotion, there may be several reasons underlying an expression of behaviour. At the same time though there was a reference of being "allergic to discomfort". That a difficult conversation is called that for a reason - and here's the thing. I'm not a stranger to difficult conversations. Explaining to people why a certain thing can't happen, or why a certain thing wasn't available I managed in a public facing role. But when I've a personal stake in it, when the outcome is uncertain, I'd sooner not have that conversation. I'm scared of being shut-down. I'll rephrase. I don't want that uncomfortable feeling and sense of disappointment if I am shut down. Yale has got a handout on this which I'm going to study and go through. But I've been very unsuccessful with emotional honesty in the past - when I raised things in family and when I raised issues with the church. But perhaps I've equated "success" with the "expected outcome". Emotional honesty is one thing, but it doesn't then follow that the response will be one that I expect or am comfortable with. So it is learning to accept and live with those uncomfortable feelings and understand that there's a broader horizon out there. The problem is that I can too often hold onto difficulties and will become obsessive over them until they are "resolved". Again, my definition of "resolution" is too restrictive. I'm excited by the theory, but apprehensive about the practice.... part of me thinks when it comes to honesty with others it's still a rather confused teenager trying to pull the words together.

I feel I've gone off track a lot. This is hard. And if I'm stressed I automatically start to close myself off from the things I know are beneficial to me (didn't do my walk *again* today). I almost want a situation where I'm exposed to a person at a time and given chance to figure them out before I move onto the next one. My experience seems to have been little/no emotional contact (home) to overwhelming competing perspectives, interactions and exchanges (school - and now work) and rather than getting strategies to cope with the environment (I'm more than slightly envious of Temple Grandin's strategy of experimentation and figuring stuff out in her formative years) I kept trying to "fix" myself instead of "be" myself. Even when things seem overwhelming now I'm looking for the fix, not allowing myself to be. 

But perhaps again I'm trying too hard too fast. I think the paradigm I'm working with is to try and understand ASC and NT's as different cultures. It's not so different. We see things differently, hold different values and have different outlooks. So maybe if I stopped trying to "correct myself" - which is what I think I keep slipping into - and tried to understand the NT world a bit more instead of just moving around in my small piece of it then maybe it might help things along a little when trying to relate to it (-sorry, relate to other people). 

I had doubts as to whether or not I would see this through past the halfway mark. I think I will - the experience of reflecting on the course is helping too in clarifying my thoughts, or if not, at least exposed some muddled thinking. 

Week 5: Becoming an Emotion Scientist

Wow! Two sessions in two days. I think I wanted to feel I'd done something productive, everything seems to have been a  bit aimless over the weekend - I'm also a little apprehensive about going back to work tomorrow - but at least I feel as if I'm in a better place to face it.

This is the thing that struck out for me today - noticing my physical responses in uncomfortable conversations. Easier when working from home. I'm reminded of a meeting I had a couple of weeks ago when someone got very emotional (angry?) about a particular decision. My response, even though it didn't directly affect me, was one which - I think - I felt threatened. Probably because one of my universal rules that I expect the universe to run by was being broken - or maybe it was tapping into some history. Whichever it was, I remember the experience as a difficult one.

(Reproduced from the course at https://www.coursera.org/learn/managing-emotions-uncertainty-stress)

This slide really hit home.

So it's back to practical stuff this week - uncomfortable practical stuff because it's about relating to people. I think sometimes I'm trying to "correct" the way I'm feeling when it's not so much a situation that's the problem, its my relationship with someone else. I always seem to struggle in knowing how much to tolerate in a conversation (as an example when I disclosed at work, a manager said (in a teams message) that my honesty was something they really admired in me - which I call BS, because I have never directly spoken to that person. Not once. Not ever. It was said because it as the "right" thing to say - would have it have helped to call it out? I decided not  because the intent was supportive - but it does keep running through my head. It's caught me out a few times, like when I've felt people have read too much into situations which I've seen as unimportant. "We always meet each other here" said someone - "Always! I thought? Sure, if you count once before as 'Always'". 

I think what I enjoyed about this week is that it did broaden things out. So becoming aware of our own emotions and observing them without judgement becomes a basis with which to relate to others - and it linked into diversity/inclusion issues. I'm in a group at work and I had one of those moments where things were starting to gel (it's lovely when this happens, circumstances, decisions and situations all seem to "fit" together - safely secure and green on the mood chart). It also challenged me - a lot of the time I see emotions entwined  with a situation but divorced from people - when this simply isn't the case. People do affect me. But I prefer to focus on the situation, not the person. From memory when I've tried to be open with people before I just kept getting burnt so I stopped trying. I was also excited when I read about perspective taking to counter the "thumbprint of culture" - the idea that we may consciously hold certain values but unconsciously we're still wrestling with things we've picked up the culture around us (I'm still trying to separate myself from the expectation to have that high-flying career because grades were the only thing acknowledged in the household, that is, until they weren't).

The course points this out. If my emotion education was lacking (it was) I've internalised a lot of those messages which, as my psychologist pointed out, coupled with the diagnosis means things were a bit sh*tty for me from the get-go. My folks were terrible emotion modellers. My father so distant he was a stranger to me all my life and my mother was.... unpredictable. I recognised something wasn't right, but I didn't know what to do about it. This was in the day pre-internet and mental health was, in the main, a taboo subject. So there wasn't that readily accessible waterfall of information there is now, or people willing to have those conversations.I guess now is the first time I'm really seeing it clearly - and to some extent objectively.  Perhaps I can let go of that need to punish myself for not "being enough". At least just a little. 

There was a lot today about implicit/unconscious bias - I know some of the research indicates training in this area doesn't have huge effects (but if my company is anything to go by, it's a 1hour online session and the box is ticked, actually applying the training takes a bit more commitment). 

I liked the idea of being an emotion scientist though - understanding that behaviour does not equal emotion, there may be several reasons underlying an expression of behaviour. At the same time though there was a reference of being "allergic to discomfort". That a difficult conversation is called that for a reason - and here's the thing. I'm not a stranger to difficult conversations. Explaining to people why a certain thing can't happen, or why a certain thing wasn't available I managed in a public facing role. But when I've a personal stake in it, when the outcome is uncertain, I'd sooner not have that conversation. I'm scared of being shut-down. I'll rephrase. I don't want that uncomfortable feeling and sense of disappointment if I am shut down. Yale has got a handout on this which I'm going to study and go through. But I've been very unsuccessful with emotional honesty in the past - when I raised things in family and when I raised issues with the church. But perhaps I've equated "success" with the "expected outcome". Emotional honesty is one thing, but it doesn't then follow that the response will be one that I expect or am comfortable with. So it is learning to accept and live with those uncomfortable feelings and understand that there's a broader horizon out there. The problem is that I can too often hold onto difficulties and will become obsessive over them until they are "resolved". Again, my definition of "resolution" is too restrictive. I'm excited by the theory, but apprehensive about the practice.... part of me thinks when it comes to honesty with others it's still a rather confused teenager trying to pull the words together.

I feel I've gone off track a lot. This is hard. And if I'm stressed I automatically start to close myself off from the things I know are beneficial to me (didn't do my walk *again* today). I almost want a situation where I'm exposed to a person at a time and given chance to figure them out before I move onto the next one. My experience seems to have been little/no emotional contact (home) to overwhelming competing perspectives, interactions and exchanges (school - and now work) and rather than getting strategies to cope with the environment (I'm more than slightly envious of Temple Grandin's strategy of experimentation and figuring stuff out in her formative years) I kept trying to "fix" myself instead of "be" myself. Even when things seem overwhelming now I'm looking for the fix, not allowing myself to be. 

But perhaps again I'm trying too hard too fast. I think the paradigm I'm working with is to try and understand ASC and NT's as different cultures. It's not so different. We see things differently, hold different values and have different outlooks. So maybe if I stopped trying to "correct myself" - which is what I think I keep slipping into - and tried to understand the NT world a bit more instead of just moving around in my small piece of it then maybe it might help things along a little when trying to relate to it (-sorry, relate to other people). 

I had doubts as to whether or not I would see this through past the halfway mark. I think I will - the experience of reflecting on the course is helping too in clarifying my thoughts, or if not, at least exposed some muddled thinking.