Published on 12, July, 2020
After my diagnosis I hoped my mum would be more understanding as my little sister (8) was also diagnosed at the same time. My mum made a conscious effort to be more understanding and supportive of her and to shout at her less but with me, she continues to shout and doesn't care that it only makes things worse. My sister expresses things in a more angry way and regularly, which helps her get her frustrations out and after a while she is fine. I on the other hand keep every little feeling of distress inside until it all comes out in the form of a panic attack/hyperventilating/crying/shouting/shaking. I try to hide these meltdowns and they very rarely happen in front of people, especially my mum as she is the least understanding person I know. She gets angry whenever I explain how tidying my room is incredibly overwhelming and difficult and tells me to get over it. Of course anyone saying that they don't like to tidy comes off as lazy but she makes no effort to understand how difficult and distressing it is for me.
Something happened today that I think perfectly describes her attitude towards me being autistic and how she doesn't care at all
My mum had told me to tidy my room and it was bad so I went in and made my bed but as I looked around and really noticed the clothes and junk everywhere I got so overwhelmed and noticed I didn't have my ring on which I use to stim so that made me more and more distressed. After I went to get the ring I came back and my breathing got very quick and my eyes began to water, I felt the beginning of a meltdown and then my mum came in and started shouting and swearing and pointing at all the cups and cans and how it's not difficult to take them down. I told her to stop because I didn't like the way she was pointing at things and shouting and she said she didn't care she was going to keep doing it. I grabbed the cups and tried to leave before a full-blown meltdown happened. I took the cups down and had to stand in the study hyperventilating, crying and getting dizzy with my hand over my mouth so she didn't know and get angry at me for it as she gets angry at me for reacting this way when she shouts.
When I went back upstairs she could tell and got angry asking why I was crying and that I had to stop. I couldn't hold it in anymore and I started breathing really quickly and crying, my breathing was so loud and squeaky and I was crying. I don't really know what she was saying because I was light headed and the room was spinning but I heard shouting about "what are you doing" and other things like that. She kept shouting at me and I screamed go away while I was crying and hyperventilating. She said "what is wrong with you?!' and I think that's when I left and went downstairs, where the meltdown continued on the couch for another while.
She came in just before my online class and asked if I wanted a drink and then said "you're definitely pre menstrual that's why you're acting crazy"
So after all that she tells me that I act that way because my period is coming. I think that just shows how much she doesn't care and doesn't realise how much my autism actually affects me. She thinks its not that bad because most of the time it doesn't affect her, I struggle on my own.
Do you think I should try and talk to her about it? I don't want her to get angry at me for saying she doesn't understand it fully and to be honest, I don't know what I'd say.
Please help
I have actually spoken to childlike in the past, a while ago, before I even suspected I was autistic, about my mum and some other issues I was having.
I can't say they were very helpful, but I can't expect them to be able to fix it yk?
It does sound as though your mother has issues of her own. I wonder how sensitively her mother responded to her when she was really upset about something and how supportive she was, or whether her mother tended to be hardest on her eldest. And it also sounds as though your mum is finding it hard to come to terms with your diagnosis, due maybe to other stresses goi g on in her life. And no, none of this would make it easier for you.
Other people have mentioned resources that might be there for you and there is Child Line too maybe, so you won't feel so alone.
Well you’ve got us here if that helps.
No one in my family understands it tbh, they’re not the kind to talk about feelings or anything like that
the Only other people in my family I would even be able to talk to would be my grandparents on my mums side and they don’t even know what autism is and think it’s fake
Thank you for asking, it’s difficult sometimes but yes I’m definitely ok!
Hello it sounds like you’re mum is not coping well and she’s taking it out on you maybe you could talk to other family members and they could talk to her and hopefully she stops being aggressive and offensive towards you. Really hope everything gets better soon
Let us know if you're ok?
Sounds like your mum might have her own condition of some kind(?). I had an abusive dad who did similar things. He seemed utterly unaware of how much damage he was doing.
Now, aged well into my 30s, I've been able to revisit those earlier years and sit down and have a conversation about it. He was trying to be caring but didn't know how to be caring as a parent - nobody had taught him how to parent, how to properly care.
Do you feel it might help to talk to a helpline about this?
Refuge have a website and helplinehttps://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/
Domestic abuse can happen even when you know the parent deep down cares.