Hey, I am new here and am trying to get some support, really struggling right now. I have been with my partner for 2 years, and have always suspected that he was on the spectrum.... he has echolalia, rigid routines and no theory of mind and no reciprocity unless the relationship is threatened. He hates social events, is insular, doesn't understand me at all and when I do try and talk to him about my emotional needs, he is then really worried he is doing something wrong and its all too much pressure. He is very committed, we are engaged, essentially we get on well like best mates as well. But when I need more emotionally, he can't read me at all. He never plans things until the event is close and once we have talked about something, we dont revisit it until the event is close. No reassurance given, even though I have told him that is what women need from time to time. On the odd occasion he needs a shoulder to lean on, of course I have to be present 100%. It is very draining, but there are a lot of great things about the relationship, just reciprocity and no theory of mind is hard to take. Any advice?
I am with a similar situation, see my earlier post. I have been advised to read a book on Asperger's syndrome and social relationships by Genevieve edmonds. 2 chapters in it all makes sense so far. It is thereacknowledged however there isn't much advice on supporting partners of as individuals. Take a read!
As someone who is like this I can honestly say we do not mean to come across like that. It’s so difficult to explain but our hearts are in the right place. Have to confess I’ve done work on my wife’s car and think it’s a show of affection. I have never been a hug and kiss lots person I’m not sure why. I get funny if I feel held down or if something is near my face I hate it and puts me on edge. ( maybe it’s a sensory thing? ) when I shower I have to keep my head forward or back into the water stream because if it hits my face it seriously overstimulates my senses. also if I’m sat on sofa cat on lap and my wife one side and daughter on other side I feel trapped and get on edge. I have to move otherwise my head goes haywire. and I feel same when my wife talks to me bout how she’s feeling. I don’t always see what the problem is then get upset as I’ve upset her (vicious cycle) and sit trying to figure out what I did wrong and end up really down. just as insight of my world.
Brilliant, thank you I will..... I have had some, but not sure where he is as he hasn't been diagnosed, and I dont know if he is even aware.... and I definitely could not bring it to his attention.. lol
Hi, yes, he is very practical, has bought me presents that are of a practical nature and sees no value in birthdays at all, even when I described my childrens lack of thought, he was disgusted, but did the same... but he understands more now. He wanted me to actually show him the present, no imagination there at all, which I understand now. It is more the conversational things, he sees it as needy and doesnt like the pressure, he prefers set times (long distance relationship also) He is affectionate, but hates my hair near him. There are so many more things, but he does feel that once he has reassured me once, that is it. He likes his space and puts me in an emotional file when we arent together, but gets me out on cue a week before I see him. We speak every day and skype every night though, has never let me down at all. He does what he says. He always says that he doesn't understand people.. lol I love his quirks, just feel a bit one sided in most things, because he is clearly does not empathise..... I cant hint, that doesnt work, if I am direct he worries.
Hints to me feel like a dig sometimes being honest. That’s just my perspective. I’ve been told many a time I don’t care because I don’t react much sometimes. And it hurts when I get told that as it couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s hard to explain but I think as my mind thinks black and white, say I hurt myself I think that’s hurts but just get on with it and think subconsciously everyone deals with it like that and don’t understand when someone else hurts themselves and bursts into tears. It sounds weird I know. ( I broke my hand once and went to work next day. My mum has to drag me to hospital)
Yes, that sounds exactly like my fiance.... seeing things from a logical sense and point of view. He has a really good heart, good morals and lovely traits. How are you with planning things, he hates planning as things go wrong in his eyes. People aren't as straight forward and he doesnt understand why people do things. Which is why I hate raising my insecurities caused by the situations I am frustrated by. I get what you mean about hints, he will get very defensive as if I am picking at him, when it could be a basic need not being met. Oh he mans up, but if he is sensory overloaded, he will need space. I watched him when we took his kids to a cafe, sheer panic in his eyes, didnt want to stay, but dialled up to get through it.
All sounds familiar. I do say a lot if I plan to do something it goes wrong and if I do I on a spur of the moment it works...
tbh so do I. I feel that nobody understands and I am being called stupid when hinting starts as it comes across to me like that. Deep down I know it’s not the case but I’m the moment it does. I also get very wound up if I’m doing something I have done before and can’t do it again I cannot understand why. and I hate socialising. Crowds panic me.
Billie48 said:sees no value in birthdays at all
That summed me up as does the practical nature - as I am going through an assessment via Maudsley. I came on here for reassurance - sometimes I am unsure if I am actually autistic or wasting time on the assessment.
HI!! My advice to you is love him the way he is. He can't change, no one can and certainly not an autistic person. don't ever doubt that he loves you because he can't lie. communication is hard between NT and Autistic people but never doubt his love for you.