I feel trapped

Does anyone else feel trapped?

I've been down for the past few years now. I remember first going to see a doctor back in 2014, so nearly 5 years i've been down. At one point back in 2017 I wanted to kill myself. I know that losing a loved one can be hard, and the only reason i'm still here is because i'd rather feel this way than there even be a alight possibility that my family might feel like this if I was gone. I've tried multiple things to try and feel better but nothing works. Things seem ok for a while, then it just gets bad again and I feel bad. I'm tired of putting effort into trying things that clearly don't work. I'm so done. Nothing I seem to do seems to change the way I think, it's like my brain is wired to just be negative, and doesn't want to change. I feel alone, im always tired, and most days I don't know why I get out of bed. I don't know what to do anymorr, I can't kill myself but I don't want to feel like this anymore