Am I weird? Advice needed!!

Hi all, 

I know this is a bit of an awkward topic but I always come on here when I am worried about something and I always seem to get the most helpful advice from you all so. I am currently 16 - I have high functioning autism, aspergers - and I haven't done anything sexually. I feel like a load of girls in my year have and I am feeling really left behind. I have absolutely no interest in doing anything sexual - life is stressful and confusing enough as it is - but I don't want people to think I am weird. I don't even like thinking about it and I can't speak to my mum and dad about it because it's awkward. I was recently with a boy, who when I said no to sending nudes, called me frigid. I am now dead worried that boys think of me like that - even though teenage boys can be dead annoying, not all though- just because I want to wait. Ant advice? Do you think I'm weird? 

Thanks x

  • Jesica

    you are NOT weird, don’t ever think that.

    just because your friends are doing something dosnt mean you have to, also i wouldn’t be suprised if those around you are just saying they have done things just to fit in. Any boy who pushes you is not worth it.

    please don’t think your weird you are not

    x

  • You are not weird. People all do these things in their own time. And you shouldn't until you feel ready. It doesn't matter what anyone else says. You'll probably find half the stories from others in your year aren't actually true anyway.

    You were completely right to say no to sending nudes. Once you send something like that you have no control over them. They could be shown and sent to anyone. Ignore him calling you frigid. That's just an immature comment.

    If you want to wait then wait. Don't let anyone pressure you into anything. It doesn't matter how long you wait. It's your choice.

    It's great that you feel like you can come here when you need help.

  • No you’re not weird. If you’re not interested in doing anything sexual yet then why should you? The boy probably just said you were frigid as he was annoyed that he wasn’t getting his own way or he was hoping to be able to pressurise you into agreeing. Teenage girls also have a habit of grossly exaggerating their sexual experiences, for example when I was 14 i remember it being common ‘knowledge’ that a girl in my year, the ‘well hard’ girl, had had sex with 22 people, she never denied it and at the time I believed it. However, now at the age of 38, I’m very doubtful that it was true. She probably made it up to help promote her image as being cool and ‘well hard’. Most of these girls who claim to have had various sexual experiences, they haven’t, they’re just making it up to portray the image that they want to portray to other people. It’s your body so please don’t ever feel that you have to do anything sexual before you are ready as you would just regret it. 

  • Hi i think you have had some very sound advice but there is something else i would like to add please be very careful with pictures of a sexual nature there are laws surrounding sending nudes of an underage person or to an underaged person as binary said don't send pictuers of yourself that could cause you embarrassment or harm ignore boys who ask you will regret it if you fall prey to peer pressure take your time and do what feels right to you

  • Yes, totally weird, I’m the same ~ welcome to the wonderful world of weirdos ~ it’s a very exclusive club, we only have the best people, so you’re in good company ~ and by ‘best’ I just mean we are a club of individuals, not sheep ~ although there’s nothing wrong with sheep either, they’re just not in our club. 

    I can totally relate to you and I would say, don’t do what I did, which was to force myself to be like others, just so that I wouldn’t be weird.

    You’re weird, be proud of it, be proud of who you are and your individuality ~ this gets easier with time, but I can tell you, you’re way ahead of the game, you’re a smart, confident young lady and you ought to be extremely, extremely proud of yourself. And the boys and girls who think you’re frigid now, will be looking up to you in years to come and they will all be wishing they were more like you. I can tell you that from experience. I’m 51 and still don’t have that sexual urge in me, although I am open to it developing if I ever find myself in a relationship with somebody that inspires it in me. It’s not a necessary thing to have for a full and happy life or relationship and in fact the absence of it can greatly support and increase ones chances of having a full and happy life. 

    The urge for sexual intimacy may or may be come to you at some point, but don’t worry about that, you’re not feeling the urge for sexual intimacy now and that gives you an enormous amount of freedom that somebody with that urge will never attain. It means that you have no need for finding a mate, which makes you open to experiencing relationships in a different way and engaging with people in ways that you wouldn’t, if you had a deep need to engage with people on a sexual level. It’s extremely empowering when you own it. It’s like it gives you this invisible pass to be exactly who you are at any given time because you’re not concerned about whether you are attracting people to you or not, you’re not trying to find ‘mates’, of the sexual nature, you’re just looking to click with other people who engage with life in the way that you do or who you find interesting or whatever, for whatever reason. It’s like there’s no demand there, no commitment, no expectations, it kind of makes life much simpler. It does for me anyway. And you end up with way more friends because often when people of that nature (the sexual kind) find a mate to hook up with, they give less importance, time and energy to enjoy friendships with other people. So although they get a sexual playmate, it’s often at the expense of other friendships, which could be equally if not more beneficial to them and their life. Everything in life comes with a price and I can see that there’s often a high price that comes with meeting ones sexual urges and if the urges aren’t there, then the people who don’t have them get to enjoy all of the things, and more, that the others had to give up. 

    It’s not ‘better’ to have sexual urges or ‘better’ to not have them. It just is what it is. If you have them, own them and enjoy them. And if you don’t, own that and enjoy that as well. And it’s not uncommon for somebody your age to get the urges in a few years time or you could be like me and get glimpses of them now and again. For me, it makes life much simpler and more enriching. 

    Of course, if somebody is after a sexual connection with you, and they’re not mature enough to realise that they’re not an irresistible sex bomb in everybody’s eyes, they might reject you and call you names, but that’s their problem. That’s just their opinion of you based on their need for sexual interaction not getting met. In truth, it just means you both have different needs so you’re just not a good fit for each other, so move on so you can both find somebody who is a fit. But some people haven’t learned how to do that yet, they blame their perceived inadequacy’s on other people, which often comes out as name calling.

    I wouldn’t worry about what other people think of you. People change their minds all the time and I can guarantee you that they will all highly respect you and feel drawn towards you, the more you honour yourself and refuse to be brought down by the immature, ill considered, fleeting thoughts and opinions of others. What matters is what you think and believe about yourself and if you were my daughter, I’d be bursting with pride, love and admiration for you. Like you, my son astounds me (he’s not autistic) in the way he is, I learn so much from him, like I am you, that even at such a young age, you can ask such great questions and explore what’s going on. I simply tried to hide it and deal with it myself. I’m so glad you’ve got the confidence to bring the matter up. It’s all a matter of learning to trust and believe in yourself, being open to other people’s views and thoughts etc, considering them but at no point letting their thoughts about you let you loose your belief in yourself. And the more we stay true to ourselves, the less bothered we are by other people’s unkindly views on us and the less we react, the less they say them and it becomes an upward spiral. If, on the other hand, we put more importance on their childish views about us than we do our own, we set ourselves up for utter disaster. Everybody in the world has got opinions and they like to share them, whether they’re kind and thoughtful or not, so if you base your level of self esteem on the opinions of other people, you’re gonna get kicked around, a lot, because there are a lot of hurt people out there who don’t mind sharing their hurt in any way they can and by the fact that we have a life, we will at different times in our life, be the object for somebody to project their hurt and unmet needs on to. So it’s going to happen. People will call us names, they won’t like us, etc etc so the trick is, to learn to see all of that for what it is and instead put your time, energy and effort into building a healthy, strong, loving, kind, forgiving, understanding relationship with yourself and then you’ll start attracting similar kinds of people into your life and you will recognise the ones who aren’t and you’ll be able to simply stay away from those people, without judgement or anger, and continue living your own life in the sure knowledge that you know who you are. 

  • Hi Jessica,

    That's okay! Many people don't have their first experience until their twenties or thirties, so it's okay. There's a culture in schools that you need to get involved in relationships because it improves your social standing and shows you're 'grown up'. But just because others do it, it doesn't mean you need to. Have a relationship with someone when you want to, not when someone else tells you to. Resist the urge to play the social game at school - it never ends well!x

    Much love <3

  • Teenagers lie. A lot. Especially about sex. 

    You are completely right not to send nudes. Once they leave your phone, you lose any control over them. And teenage boys are a breed apart - I vaguely recall I used to be one - many decades ago. They are likely to pass around nudes to assuage their crushing social insecurity.

    Boys that age are really complete and utter morons, and not worth currying favour with. After school it gets much better. If you opt for university - you get to choose your social circle and can gravitate to people who accept you are you are. You might find a soulmate you want to do something sexual with - which would be nice, or you could be perfectly happy with platonic friendships. 

    Don't do anything sexual that you do not want to do. It won't win you friends or gain you respect. 

    And if you think social relationships are hard enough to understand now, when there is a sexual component, it gets way weirder. Please wait to find that out for yourself though. 

    All teenagers are a seething mass of insecurities. They are all weird. ASD just makes you self conscious of your differences. Paraphrase the end of the Breakfast Club to come up with trite soundbite - although quoting a film released before you were born is probably not the best reference.  

  • just because your friends are doing something dosnt mean you have to

    Also, you have no way of knowing how accurate what they are saying actually is, and how many of them are saying things just to try and "be in".

  • Have a relationship with someone when you want to, not when someone else tells you to

    And with who you want to, not with who someone tells you to.