I think my girlfriend has Aspergers, how do I tell her?

I have recently been diagnosed with having aspergers and for some strange reason I have started obsessionally reading every website and ever book I can find haha!

The more I read about it, the more I see aspergers in my girlfriend:

No empathy
Hypersensivity to smells, tastes, textures and hates people sitting too close to her.
Dreadful social skills, she hasn't made a new friend for years.
Things have to be done her way or she can't stand it.
Takes everything people say incredibly literally.

The list goes on...

One of her brothers has been diagnosed as it's quite clear to see that her other brother and her dad also have it.

The problem is whenever I try to talk about any of the things that she does, she gets very defensive and upset and denies that she does any of these things.

What would be the best way to approach this with her???
  • Have a look at my stickied thread on assessment and diagnosis in adults, there are links for the AQ tests.  Tell her if she's so sure, she won't mind taking the tests...

  • It is not true that we all have a little bit of it. I can attest to that as a person who struggles every day to deal with this challenging and misunderstood condition: I have no friends, no real social life, anxieties, obsessions, and crippling fear. So when I see  'neurotypical' people managing their lives, working, having relationships, going places at whim, living independently, I feel envy and a degree of sadness. To say that they also have a bit of what I have, is actually completely not true!

  • Have done a lot of research to find the signs of autism and thanks for your suggestion.

    embarrassingbodieskids.channel4.com/.../

    This questionnaire is very helpful for me. I have also fond luckily this autism quiz

    illnessquiz.com/.../

    It is showing the complete list of 20 signs and is based on DSM-iv so I want to help parents to identify children who are suffering from this disorder. Here at autism.org.uk it is better to start oing research.

  • I know when we thought our son had aspergers we did a lot of research online and just out of curiosity completed an online questionnaire to see if we had any traits:

    http://embarrassingbodieskids.channel4.com/show-information/take-the-autism-test/

    Perhaps if you could get her to do this it would open up a bigger dicussion.

    I think my husband and me both know we have a lot of ASD traits and the test confirmed that we are borderline cases. 

  • Hi there!

    Thanks for the advice, I do completely see where you're coming from. I probably should have gone in to a bit more detail with my first post. I don't think she is coping very well with all of her traits.

    When things go wrong or if I do things that she doesn't agree with she just won't talk to me until it gets too much and she falls apart. Quite a lot of the time the things that I do wrong in her eyes are perfectly acceptable to other people it's just not how she would do things.

    We went to a pub recently and there were people there that she knew but hadn't spoken to for a long time, I went to get a drink but she pulled me back so she didn't have to be on her own with them. The anxiety just got too much for her.

    I just think that if I were to talk to her about it that it would help our relationship and help her to understand why she does things. Also I know this will sound selfish but I think it would help me if she understood why she is the way she is. I know it has certainly helped me to find out.

  • Once I started researching ASD I started to see it in everyone.  I think truth is we all have a little bit of it.  I can look at my husband and my mother see lots of ASD traits that in the past have been put down to being unsociable or just rude.  There are people I work with who I think have certain traits as well. 

    The way I see it is they have managed to get to a good age without being diagnosed (my husband is 62 and my mother 78) so good for them they have managed to function, hold down job and raise a family so somehow they have managed to create their own coping strategies without being dianosed so leave well enough alone.  My mother is 78 and still the most embarassing person I know but nothings going to change now.