Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello. I think i may have aspergers but not sure. Im going to post sime thoughts feelings and experiences wondering if anyone can identify with them.
My first one then is i feel like my brain is stuck on a loop. Ive read a bit about it and am not sure if its in fact OCD. i made this comparison on another thread that its like a hamster going round on a wheel and as soon as it jumps off it is replaced as another one hops on. And so on. Sometimes there might be two hamsters or a previous hamster might get back on. (Hamsters being the thoughts). I have realised the tjoughts can be good or bad but are usyally negative. Depemding on the type of thought they can be analysed to the nth degree so that nothing is left unturned and all possibilities have been explored in my mind or, just going over and over and over like a record stuck on repeat
"Larger scale" thoughts identified over the past month or so have included...having children or not, pros and cons of this, the future of human kind and the planet, sustainability, pollution, driving cars and all the noise they cause, plastic, living without money, capitalism, putting it all in perspective by thinking how humans lived b4 capitalism, wanting to run off to tje beautiful Hebrides where its peaceful but how can i leave my mum and dad anyway its not practical. And, having attended a brief stint of CBT realising "hang on, these thoughts are not irrational. They are perfectly rational. This is MY reality." We are told to keep busy to distract us from ourselves and natural state of being which is wrong. We are not living naturally as human beings. This culminated in a panic attack as i tried to explain ALL of this to my partner.
Since i started back at work last week after the summer break this has now all been replaced with more "immediate" thought cycles of not being able to switch off, automatically going over and over things from work or them just popping in my head anytime. Im not sure if this is sensory overload due to changes at start of term and people keep speaking to me when i need quiet time and there just generally being more problems tjsn usual with my studenrs so i need to think more and interact more than usual. Alongside thoughts that after doing all my research and considering going forward witb a diagnosis that "i am being ridiculous if i think i have aspergers". The longer term thoughts are still there just not in the foreground. Maybe they are the hamsters queuing up waiting to get back on the wheel when theres an opprtunity to hop on.
It is neverending.
Can anyone else identify with having tjoughts stuck on a loop? I am generally an anxious person and am not syre if its anxiety speaking rather than an AS condition. Could this be an example of repetitive behaviours? I wont go into other reasons yet why i think i may have ASC.
Thanks
I constantly do this, I'm constantly reliving conversations, mainly arguments in my head, eventually I finish the argument or conversation and move onto the next one, some are decades old going back to being a child. I also concern myself with upcoming conversation, interaction, and phone calls or problems, these are usually at night helping to stop my sleep, I find myself carrying out the interaction in my head over and over again playing out the part of the other person too, sometimes it's even about the most inane rubbish. I worry about stuff happening on a loop aswell, so you know what if stuff? I couldn't say if it's Aspergers related I just thought this was normal to be honest.
AAArunner - that's exactly what's going on in my mind too - I spend entire nights running through old interactions - especially the ones where I wasn't sure about the motives of the other person and what exactly they were trying to say. I ended up with a compulsion to 'do the right thing at all times' to try to make sure I always acted honourably so was the one who was not at fault. This led me to worry about interactions where, from a certain angle, I could be judged unfavourably - so I worry about that as well now.