A few months a go I put a thread on here which talked about my parents and how they are treating me. I was given lots of advice to try and help cope with it and I took the advice, however despite doing that my parents are still being nasty to me. I have tried several times to explain to them why I feel the way I do and only get told to leave, that it’s a wonder I have any friends etc. My friends know about what’s going on and have said to me that I should try not to take any notice of what my parents say as it’s BS and they know otherwise and that they clearly don’t know their own daughter that well.
My my friends have said to me that I should have nothing to do with my parents as they are putting me down and making me feel I’m nasty when that’s not the case.
I have now suggested to my parents that I think it would be a good idea if I moved out as we clearly aren’t helping each other. They said it was ridiculous, but after being told I’m a C word, they wish they’d never had me, how I’m nasty, they want nothing to with me, and that I’m causin the family to divorce, I think it would be better. I am at my happiest when I’m with my four closest friends and not them so I think it would help but my parents won’t accept and will not accept that it is them causing me to feel like this as when I’m not around them I’m fine. They have booked a holiday to the US fir all of us, however the welfare person at college said that I shouldn’t go as my parents are causing me to become depressed. I have tried to explain that I think it would be a better idea if I didn’t go, but they say they won’t forgive me. The welfare person said that it’s not up to them regardless of whether they’ve booked the holiday and that I should not go as I need to be away from them. They never understand where I come from though and whilst I am not an ungrateful person I do think the welfare person is right here.
My parents have always been too nosy and treated me like I’m seriously disabled which just angers me more as I’m not. They said that I’m not allowed to talk to my friends when I’m upset even if it’s about them but it’s not up to them. I can’t get anything through to my parents and am struggling to live s happy life I’m with them. How do I go about telling them that it would be better if I didn’t come? And that I should move out as I feel I’ve exhausted all the options and really can’t live with them due to how they treat me and the above
I'd advise cutting contact with any toxic person in your life, all they do is bring you down.
I had to do the same with my parents, not because of my diagnosis (I haven't spoken to them for 3 years now and was only diagnosed last month) but because of their twisted perception of reality informed by their dogmatic religious beliefs.
Often when I'd visit they'd try and make me watch some media related to it or if I attempted to engage them in rational debate or challenged one of their observations / statements that I had the evidence to prove wrong [such as the Christian definition of what a "Blood Moon" is], it'd just end up with them getting defensive and angry.
I also made the "mistake" of moving in with my girlfriend which apparently gave them the right to judge our relationship, even telling me that we can't possibly love each other because we're not married and all the usual fundamentalist religious guff.
One time my mum even referred to my girlfriend as a "whoremonger", which while somewhat amusing was intended to insult - and this from the bastions of love and peace???
I'd frequently return home highly frustrated and angry.
Our relationship ended when I had a meltdown at their place as they were once again being unreasonable and I told them exactly what I thought.
The last thing I said to them in person was "you think you know everything but you know nothing".
I even wrote them a letter trying to explain why I think they're wrong to be so certain about their beliefs and expressing that I just wanted a normal family relationship and left it up to them to contact me but they haven't so it their loss.
Makes me wonder if being surrounded by such hypocrisy while growing up has had a hand on my intolerance of it these days.
It also makes me consider the hypocrisy of the situation, where I'm expected to sit back and accept their beliefs / lifestyle since the age of 5 (not that I could really at that point in my life but that's when they started with the Jesus stuff) but they can't handle me living with someone I love, because of course all they want to do is think about us having pre-marital sex.
Good riddance I say.
Sorry to hear about your horrible time with your parents. I think I will do the same as like you say they are only bringing me down. My friends don’t and every time I tell my parents that, they just say it’s their age. I can’t be dealing with them, particularly this year when I have a dissertation to write. I don’t need people like that in my life. They always say I’m in with the wrong friends too, but that’s none of their business. I will cut contact but am not sure what to do if they start saying I’m being unreasonable as I know they are bound to
If you can't have a rational conversation then what purpose does the relationship serve other than being a source of frustration that obviously affects your mental health negatively.
I think you're wise. It feels like a bad thing to do to cut ties with family but when they're this toxic all you can do is self preservation. A holiday with them sounds like it would be very painful. On holiday you're thrown more together with people and you're cut off from friends who, in your case, are your support network. Unfortunately, family can't always be who we need, they're only human too. Good luck dealing with them and with your dissertation.
Only you can really decide how much you can take, and how many chances to give.
However, if you do decide to leave, you have plenty of reasons. The behaviour shown by your parents is abominable, and it is probably having a great effect on your mental health.
Sometimes people are better friends when they are apart. I hate to see families breaking up. But you do not choose your family, and sometimes your relatives are not good for you. It should be them feeling guilty and not you.
If you do decide to leave, you may decide to offer an olive branch later on. But ensure that things are better before making a decision to let bygones be bygones.
How I would tell them is by making up my mind to move out, to have somewhere to go to, and then say you are moving out because you think it would be better for everyone if you did. You may get more of the same behaviour, which will make you feel as if you are making the right decision. You may get some pleading with you to stay. Either way, once having made your decision stick to it.
If they are truly contrite, you will keep in touch and see them regularly and they will accept your decision to live independently. I think the world of my daughter, but know she is old enough to make her own decisions in life. Yes, I am there for her if she needs help, but I leave it to her to make her own mistakes. I know she would not take kindly at all if I told her she was wrong in her choices.
Thank you for your help. After thinking long and hard about what the right thing to do is I think I will move out as I had a message from my uni (they like to be kept updated about it) saying that there was a spare room that I could move to.
My mental health is being massively affected by how they are treating me and when I am around my friends I am much more myself (ie: happy and me, so to speak). As somebody posted earlier, in my case, my friends are much more my support network and the people who are there for me than my parents are. I've given them lots of chances, but now feel that it isn't doing me any good as any comment about me is either rude or negative. The fact they even said to me they wished they didn't have a daughter with Aspergers is enough to make me move. Having spoken to the welfare people at college they think that I have come to the right conclusion even though it may not be what I would naturally choose to do and hope that now I am moving out (on Monday next week) my life will be easier as I will be with the people who actually care about me. Whilst it's not what I would ever want to happen, unfortunately I do think that it is now the only way forward as they don't listen to me and do many things that are so hurtful that it is impossible to live a nice and independent life with them. I will take your advice and what a few days to make sure things improve before telling them and depending on how things go I will offer them an olive branch later.
Do you know exactly which of your personality traits they find so objectionable?
Is this really about their loss of control over you?
Are they just being over-protective and are they worried about you in the big, bad world?
Their frustration and inability to talk to you in a rational way may be them not being able to cope with you venturing into adulthood.
The fact that they are paying for a holiday for you seems to indicate they still value you - but just have a crap way of showing it. Is there any way you can talk to them about their concerns without it blowing up? Running away from home can get complicated & expensive if you're not ready and fully prepared for it.
They don’t like the fact that I’m quiet and how I am not as confident as my brother.
I have tried to have a rational conversation with them many times about how and why they make me feel this way, but they just say that it’s not the case even though my friends and I have both said it is.
They have always seen me as somebody who is seriously disabled and therefore needs loads of protection. I have rationally told them many times that that isn’t the case because if I was seriously disabled then I would not be at uni for example and would need full time care. They have struggled for a long time now to accept that I have my own life and friends and that at the end of this year I will be finishing uni and hopefully in a job. They have always said that they need to tell me who to be friends with and how to live my life due to my Aspergers. I have told them many times that I do not need or appreciate them doing that and am more than able to live my life on my own. As said before, I am much happier when I’m with my friends as they lift me up, so to speak.
My parents do my mental health no good at all and whilst it is nice that they’ve arranged for me to come in holiday, they have treated me like this since they found out I had Aspergers and have always treated my brother as if he is better than me. They have been unable to accept that I have my own life etc for a long time and as a result just end up saying rude comments to me most of the time even if I don’t do anything to deserve them. I just worry that my mental health is going to deteriorate rapidly when around them when it doesn’t when I’m with my friends.
Then they are almost certainly crying their eyes out behind your back. They are in full meltdown mode because they realise that you are an adult and legally allowed to make your own decisions but they may not be confident that you can cope.
I have aspergers - very high functioning - and all through my life I have been used and manipulated by NTs who seem to be natural bullys. I have millions of qualifications and have worked in very high-tech industries but I realise that I can easily be used by people who are highly skilled in manipulation and have an agenda.
If you don't speak often and openly with your parents they will be climbing the walls with stress about you - worrying which nasty person is going to take advantage of you. As the person with AS, you might not spot the assholes out there - you are likely to be open and trusting with everyone.
It is natural for parents to feel this way - the only was forward is for you to communicate with them as much as you can to build their confidence in you.
There is of course the painful 'looking at yourself' - just because you're clever, you might not be as street-smart as you think you are - other around you might see it but you can blind yourself with your own abilities or disabilities. Bullies and users can spot it a mile away and you can become their prey.
I don't want to sound negative towards you - it took me many, many years to gain enlightenment and I'm still a target.
You could use the holiday to demonstrate your street-smarts to them - spend the time building bridges and asking them about their concerns and being honest with them about your own concerns and worries. I know it's really difficult talking to them but the way you handle those conversations and keep control of yourself will demonstrate you are an adult and not a petulant child.