Memories of being young?

Bit like you.. can't answer that one today.. 

So Missy Misfit...what would you have said to your younger self? 

Thanks for the hug warrior. Yes there are all sorts of unexpected overlaps with people. There is a radio programme about teenage diaries Celebrities read out sections of their childhood diaries and at the end it asks " and what you tell your younger self ?" It's a different perspective thinking about telling our younger selves something. Not sure what I'd say tho.  I needed to rest today so it was sort of long. But good news I'm going to get some help decorating where I the work done which is a relief. How was your day? 

Hi missy what amazing writing,I am glad some of my thoughts evoke memories for you,I do hope they don't bring to many bad things to mind?

Isn't it strange how much of our lives run parralel to one another.Some things are different like monkey bars!I was very good in fact with physical things, school football and rugby team even though I never took any kit,I had to wear oversized stuff from the "spares" box.

One teacher was so annoyed at me not wanting to join in he said"right we are going to play rugby this lesson,two teams"and pointed to one lad and said "you pick your team and I will pick mine" so the lad picked his mate,teacher said "I pick him(meaning me)and the lad picked another lad,the teacher then said I pick him(meaning me again. This went on until all the kids were in one team and me and him made up the other side?

It was very full on as every time he got the ball he threw it to me,at the end of play in terrential rain I was brown with mud,my borrowed clothes were ripped,I was battered and bruised but we had won.I scored most of the tries to. My mum was mad as I was pure wet mud.the teacher thought he had beaten me! But it was one of the happiest memories I have,me against all those boys and proving to him he could not defeat me. I was a hero for quite a while,which helped.

I did enjoy sport but didn't want to do it?very strange but true?to much team work and I never got picked and I never felt part of the team I was on.

I hope your day wasn't to long?big hug missy.

Hello Lonewarrior. I hope your day is going well. You do talk about some interesting things which provoke memories I usually keep locked away. Like others my memories of growing up are patchy with an underlying feeling of not belonging and having no idea why I didn't enjoy things like others seemed to do. Some of which have been mentioned by others like being overwhelmed and upset at other children's birthday parties, not fitting in or understanding the rules at school, being flat footed and heavy handed in sport/games/writing, not keeping up with the writing on the blackboard, making a mess with ink pens, not being able to use the monkey bars, not understanding "teasing" , being shy, over sensitive ( hiding behind the sofa for dr who and cowboys and Indians) etc etc Luckily I went to small schools where I struggled but was middle of the road. And everyone knew everyone in the village. When I eventually did go to follow a degree course I used to write absolutely everything the lecturer said down ; I couldn't paraphrase or keep up. No laptops then all hand written which was difficult. Other students had nice neat notes, catalogued and coded and I could never understand how they did it or had the time ( and had social lives). I didn't fit in there either. My one and only teaching post ( special ed)was a disaster. I was sharing a classroom with another teacher. Ironically I had autistic children in my group. But the head and deputy head didn't believe in autism so wouldn't let me get extra training to help me teach them! Little did I know. But I had a strong affinity with them. I couldn't cope in the end and had a nervous breakdown ( another). The  other day was my sisters birthday and she said she'd had xx number of years putting up with me and when my brother was home he said he'd given up a long time ago trying to understand me. It doesn't make me feel good to know I took up too much room in the family in their eyes. My turn not to manage technology, trying to quote you.. blur of hurt and misunderstanding is how I remember my childhood too. But I was extremely lucky to grow up in very rural countryside and farm life all around me. The seasons and farm year was my security and routine and I loved the animals. So I talked to the animals,walked the fields and mostly spent time with my mother. Warrior I'm very glad for you that your family unit of wife, daughters and grandchild is strong. I haven't been able to closely reflect on all my years in relation to my diagnosis because it's too painful. But as you have said before I keep reading things which fit my life and experience which I never imagined would happen to anyone else and it is healing. I always felt such a fool to not enjoy parties as a child or adult because everyone enjoys parties don't they? But yes that was me the one in the kitchen, the one happier washing up than talking to people or finding that I was being loud because I felt out of place. Teenage years weren't fun either! I made a lot of mistakes. Ok. Today I am tired because I have been making an effort to see people and also avoiding thinking about how to change my life and tackle the practical things I need to do. So I'm waffling and might be off topic a bit but I think it fits together.. 

Ok well my problem has always been! If someone truly listens to what I am saying(not often)and empathises with me I cannot help but trust them to much,I have misjudged to many times in my long life,to many times been let down or taken advantage of.

My inability to judge the situation for what it is. I get to close and back off. Me and you get along very well I think,doesn't mean if we met we would be best buddies!maybe we would,The lack of body language being in this virtual world makes no difference to real life in my mind,

I also admit in day to day real life I adjust myself to fit the expectations of others, not so on here as there is no pressure to fit.but I must remind myself not to just agree to fit in the group.

So I am wary of being to friendly, I worry I may be to slushy almost like a chat up type of thing. I want to trust everybody but am aware that is dangerous and leaves me vulnerable.

Maybe I should start a new topic about trust and feelings. 

I think even joking is a difficult subject on here? Hence my "lol" and "ha ha" or maybe I will say" and I really do feel that way" to emphasise my point. I wouldn't knowingly insult anyone on here, I do tread on eggshells as I know the more literal of us are effected by such things as casual comments.

My other problem is over explaining everything,whoops!

So dear ele I think you are amazing.! To much? To friendly?overstepping the mark?

I'm off to find the light,ouch.

Btw have you noticed the way that we truly struggle to communicate with each other here. It is like a case of emotional "snap" - we match feelings and experiences and dance around trust, connecting with each through our mutual paralytic fear - like moths around a light bulb....all terrified of being hurt ....

there are some lovely people here and we in turn love them and are scared of them 

) ( said:

By the way your comments elsewhere about your mask? In my line of work I have many many masks as each job demands a different actor. I deserve an oscar.

I am as near to being me on here as I ever will be,no acting,just honesty,

It is still tough work, with or without an Oscar! Lol....tis just shame we don't get more recognition out there...

..."and the prize for the teacher keeping her *** together in 2017 goes to...." cue drum roll!

Ele being here with the so called misfits is the safest place I have ever been.not once have I felt threatened. Even when certain members reply to me,they come down to my level of intellect without realising it, I mean that in a nice way,I see two members talking and debating high level diagnosis,things that I would be out of my depth with,then when replying to one of my threads they join my level. On other forums quite often the higher thinkers let you know it,they ridicule and talk down to me. I have good days of intellect and can use words like any wordsmith,on other days it is robotic and jumbled.

I hate society as it is,on so many levels. Handicapped suffering when footballers get millions,how can we as society allow this to go on.old folks would be better off in prison etc.nearly every programme on tv is confrontational,arguementative,disrespectful.obscene,"on the dole and xxxxxx" benefits xxx xxxx,serial killers,

We as society should cut all this as it numbs the ability to be shocked by it.it becomes the norm,every day occurrence.

By the way your comments elsewhere about your mask? In my line of work I have many many masks as each job demands a different actor. I deserve an oscar.

I am as near to being me on here as I ever will be,no acting,just honesty,

It is something to bear in mind in a world that can be very frightening.

i've been smacked multiple times (father), punched (night out), physically hurt (husband) in my time etc and this with the ASD means a hell of a lot of processing...

hang in there...people can be frightening, scary, ugly and hideous, but they also surprise by being lovely too x

Thank you ele I just had a look,very interesting and worth exploring.

I had many occasions when teachers were really nasty to me,I mean in my face shouting and that was in infant school, I was laughed at by other kids for having to go to the staff room, to imbarrassed to say why but most autistic folks may know?

When the Dorset steam fair had finished we went back to our car and as everybody was queuing to go out we sat in the shade and had a cup of tea, after a while a group of adults turned up opposite us,two blokes mid twenties started egging each other on with fists held up,one was heavily drunk the other was a loud mouth and coward as he ran away,the drunk was determined to have him no matter what,others in the family,dad,female partners tried to hold him back,he hit his own brother and put him on his back.it took four to hold him down,the coward grabbed a little boy from one of the cars,it was the drunks son,he then held him as some kind of defence! I grabbed everything quick and drove off,all that happened in a minute. We reported it to security and told them toddlers were involved. 

Now as soon as it started I was shaking and froze, I still keep getting flash backs and it still effects me, My work mates actually look for videos of this rubbish? When they say"hey watch this" I just say "no thanks there is enough violence and wrong I don't need to fill my head with any more.

I did have a few fights when I was a bit older but not through choice,I was wrongly seen as top dog? So got challenged from time to time, I got beaten quite bad but always won, by which I didn't hit or kick just held them and said,STOP now enough is enough. My elder brother and his tuff mates protected me which meant I was also tuff? Just an illusion.but if I didn't fight I would have been picked on constantly.

I will give it some thought as understanding a problem can sometimes help to come to terms with it.

You are a very caring and understanding lady,big hug.

Jeremy Clarkson said the same about getting a txt from his dyslexic mate , the writer AA Gill - he said it was like he'd thrown the whole alphabet at a ceiling fan.....so get the analogy about memories...

have you ever thought about keeping a diary? If manual writing difficult, visual notes or using speech recognition software might be useful.

as for Pratchett....whose to know whether the hard drive was copied before it was squished..

Well how my daughter the book worm didn't know about the steam rolling of pratchetts hard drive I will never know? And to think I watched some men building a road and using a roller,not sure which day? Sad thing but if he had wished it then his choice.

Appears to me that reading books is a big indicator for the spectrum? I see books as energy sapping, I have to focus so hard to keep the theme in my head,I can read with my eyes much faster than speaking,I speed read,I can scan a page and get a good indication of it's content. If I ever manage to read books which to be honest is next to none then I am 100% focused and after it is as if I were there behind my glass screen watching. Keeping reality and memories of films or books isn't as simple as it should be,my mind seems to throw everything into the air and bits just settle next to the wrong bits.maybe the dyslexia explains quite a bit of my above statement,my wires are mixed in several ways more.Memory or lack of short term is my biggest hurdle on a daily basis.tell me your name and I guarantee to forget it instantly,

Lone, have you undertaken any research into autism and trauma? https://autismcitizen.org/autism-and-trauma/

I think as we can find life a bit scary at times there is quite a drive from us parents to ensure that our kids are happy, feel safe in the world, can socialise, and feel like they belong. I guess we don't want our kids to feel as isolated as we do at times.

i have always found kids easier to enjoy and gang out with - they don't know (as yet) how to have an agenda! Lol

i read a lot too...I guess those books were my life rule books - exploring different situations, personalities, scenarios, causes and effects...

top of the morning to you Daniel! 

In terms of Pratchett are you aware that he had his hard drive of unfinished books squished at the Dorset Steam Fair (as per his instructions) - https://www.theguardian.com/books/2017/aug/30/terry-pratchett-unfinished-novels-destroyed-streamroller

Always hope Elephant!

I also find that songs remind me of a book I was reading at a specific time, rather than something I was doing. I had a huge library of books and would re-read them all. I have always been a huge Terry Pratchett fan (He knew how imprtant Elephants were!) and I always found it easier to relate to books than real life.

I still read a lot, but somehow Children, work and life get in the way a little!

I hope my kids have way more memories than me, and both my partner and I go out of our way to make sure they have plenty to go on, and celebrate every small moment! I suppose I am living my life through them. There are much worse things to do!

Wow Dan.

i recall my childhood like a series of scenes like watching a tv programme or a play. I have some happy memories (a few)..  but these are of me usually walking alone and enjoying the piece or remembering reading a particular book.

i pretend to myself that I will one day have opportunity to work through a very long bucket list of things I want to experience and feel....but I think that is a thing called hope.., :p

Hi Lonewarrior.

Very interesting thread, though also a very meaningful story!

My partner often reminises about her childhood, and I can never join in with happy memories. Also I tend not to have many feelings at all, and find I am often lying to friends and family so I don't come across as not caring. I do care about them and their lives, I just dont have the emotion or words to truly put that across. I think thats why I dread phone calls with my mother, as she needs that emotional connection, and I have to fake it for her. My father however is more like me, and we don't need to include emotion when talking, which is so much easier. 

I do have some happy memories, and they are all very small simple things. The best ones are watching my children do things I find funny, and I also like photographs of them as I am able to attach them to moments, and give a feeling a face (If that makes sense)

And like you, there is always something on here that jogs a memory or touches a nerve and makes me remember I am not alone!

Thanks for sharing and making me think!

Ooooo....and Brownsea Island.... what dog doesn't relish a squirrel! 

Dorset is lovely but very busy this time of year. Lucky to have it close to my Dorset so can enjoy it in my win time when all if its visitors have gone. Do check out Dancing Ledge and Durdle Door if you haven't already.

shed is top priority for that all important down time!