Published on 12, July, 2020
So I was Diagnosed with HF ASD Sub-type in 2015 (16yo at the time, 18yo).
I am being reassessed again hopefully before september as I am going to universiy, to study psychology, coincidentally.
So I was given the AQ and EQ tests, a well being test an what appears to be an ADHD screening test.
I have already done the AQ and EQ, SQ and Reading The Mind in The Eyes
AQ: 34/50
EQ: 76/80
SQ: 123/150
RTMiTE: 35/36
So clearly my autism is a strange presentation, I look online and there is nothing, just lack of empathy, lack of TOM, and I have all these, no I have these and they work better than most NTs!
Well my friend, my only friend that is. Countless times accuses me of being psychic, and I mean no I am certainly not, I am just a little unnerving sometimes, especially when it is over the phone or messages, and I know and "hit the nail right on the head". I get told I do that a lot. When I was in secondary school I was always withdrawn and shy, and awkward. All my teachers picked up on my Empathy, it's depth, how I could assume anyone's perspective. One of my Teacher was also head of the Schools Gifted/Talented Programme, they picked up on the empathy, It is almost as if I am gifted in Empathy, and I mean I am mediocre at Maths, at written language, I'm not exactly spatially aware. However, everything has been pooled in abstract/conceptual reasoning and Theory of Mind. I think very laterally, not because I choose to, but because I can't think any other way, I approach engineering problems by thinking about how different engineers think how to do it. For example, or what is the nature of our ability to reason these problems and why has this created a bridge in this shape, irrelevant of the physical constraints?
I mean I do have ASD associated symptoms, I have trouble reciprocating social behaviour, not because I don't understand social interaction but because I am so overwhelmed by it. I was never an innocent child, not one point in my childhood was I not painfully aware of the nature of the people around me, people's eyes are terrifying pits where if I gaze to long than I lose myself for a couple of days, they can also be the most beautiful thing in the world, genuine. I catch myself thinking and acting like people who are not me, and I have to fight back to myself. So eye-contact and socially engaged behaviour is best avoided, I mean of course I function socially, but I can't or won't put myself any further. I also miss a few social cues, because usually I am not facing the person, but is this anymore than the average person?
I am also very hypersensitive, to light, to sound and to olfactory stimuli. I should also note my interests are fairly narrow, being psychology, forensic psychology... so not too narrow, more like very broad. I suppose Neuroscience and Medical stuff are also areas of interest, originally I wanted to be a doctor but my mental health slashed my A-levels down to 3Bs so I am studying psychology instead, get qualified in the relevant area, maybe teach when I most definitely will burn out.
My mannerism are awkward, I am aloof and I am blunt, because I would rather be seperate from people, unless I care about them, and then I might become too attached, I end up blurring with them.
Coincedentally, my humour is dry as a bone, and too sarcastic that even I lose track of the sarcasm occasionally! and I love animals, most of the day is spent talking to my pets right now.
My friend and I were watching Hannibal (TV show) and Will Graham, she accused me of being on a TV show, becoming an actor, I am on the other side of the uncanny valley for this character, haha my dog decided this was the opportune time to jump in between us... So now I was amazed myself because finally a human being who's mind was directly identifiable as like-me. No Empathy needed, I didn't have to leave my mind to understand the characters. Now I have to watch the show routinely otherwise I convince myself I am all sorts of things I am not.
But of Course they are a fictional character, and long nights of searching the internet, research and blogs and books I have found no one quite like me and like the character Will Graham, I wish I could be like most people with aspergers sometimes. I don't want to change who I am, I just want people to say I am autistic for sure, or no I am not. If I can get over the hurdle of accepting how I think, who I am, then I can make myself feel better.
Interesting that you mention being from Bolton, but now live in the South West, which do you prefer? I was born & raised in the North West, then moved around quite a bit for work. Before moving back home to Manchester though, I worked in London for almost 20 years & much prefer the North West where people are a lot more friendly. Having grown up where strangers happily chat to each other in bus queues, I always found it odd that if you tried to do that in London, people thought you were about to mug them.
I'm currently on my fourth anti-depressant, as they seem to burn out relatively quickly for me. They never seem to stop me from being depressed, but they do at least muffle my 'Inner Critic' or the 'Poison Parrot' as I have heard other people call it.
My Tinnitus was triggered three years ago by the first anti-depressant I tried, but luckily mine isn't that intrusive & is more like constantly hearing a 'Dog Whistle'. Remember the days before flat screen TVs? If you could hear the high pitched whistle the old TV tubes used to generate, it's exactly like that. Since I had to get used to ignoring that sound as a kid, blocking out my Tinnitus now isn't that difficult & I'm hoping that the pitch doesn't change.
I'm reasonably good at Maths & Science & like keeping up on the more interesting stories of current research. I work in programming & analysis, so enjoying getting stuck into fine detail & being able to quickly spot inconsistencies in data has always been a major part of my job. Although now I am getting older, work is harder to find since employers seem to think I am probably past it now. I've been told the 'Barrister Thing' too, since I have a very good memory for exactly what people say & tend to quote back inconsistencies in their arguments verbatim.
My school life was quite literally horrible, until sixth form I had no real friends at school & was systematically bullied every day for many years, with the teachers doing almost nothing to stop it. This was probably the main reason for most of my hangups & my problems with depression now. I don't know whether I became good at reading body language as a defence mechanism, or I just somehow picked up as I went along, I can't remember.
After school & like many people with ASD, I taught myself to fit in by becoming a 'Chameleon' of sorts. The only thing I can't really manage is the casual eye-contact thing, which many people have commented on. When I do choose to make direct eye-contact though (if I'm trying to chat someone up) people have commented that it's quite intense.
I've always known that I was an 'Outsider' or 'Different' somehow, I just thought previously thought that it couldn't be ASD since I can read body language quite easily. It was only a few years ago that I realised the media stereotypes were completely wrong & discovered that actually quite a lot of people with ASD are able to teach themselves that trick, including the 'Chameleon' one too.
Still not sure what difference (if any) my diagnosis will make, but I suppose it's a conversation piece with people I trust. I have started joining online forums now though, & it's interesting how many people with ASD have had similar experiences.