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fairly new relationship

F22

hi 

im in a fairly new and loving relationship with a long term friend who has recently been diagnosed with AS. the problem is that i have a daughter (19 months) to my last partner  and this adds a lot of stress to the relationship we get very little time together (alone) and he refers to her as my 'kid' and rairly uses her name, he has no understanding of why this hurts me. he will also prefer to stay at his house when i have my daughter and not see me at all as he feels i spend to much time with her. i just dont know how to put all this to him without him getting agitated he feels i just dont understand where he is coming from. please help

  • Hi,

    Emotions can be difficult.. and so is knowing who he is for you..In his eyes, you are his girlfriend. At home you are a mom.. He nééds to learn that you are both.. you're still a mom, even if your daughter is not there!

    Try refersing the words.. Would he like it, if you'd call him 'friend'.. He is a person also, with a name. A title.. distanciates.. You can even draw it if you like!

    Back at emotions.. He might really not get it.. for he is too sensitive.

    The difficulty might also be.. Who is he to your daughter.. for him.. she is just..'your kid'.. Knowing which part he 'plays' is very necessary for him to understand ..otherwise there is no context!!

    (ie: In my work: I know who I am.. and all goes smooth! Put me at a party.. and I get lost!!)

    I hope this makes sense to you..

    love, B'fly

  • Bear in mind though that expression of affection and use of language which implicates informality is difficult with AS. If you are not familiar with the relaxed intimacy of social interaction, where people use names reflecting greater familiarity because they can easily check other people's reactions, using a personal name and not knowing whether it is right can be scary.

    People on the spectrum are also uncomfortable with praise or compliment, which might be for the same reason. If you don't have the same feedback that non-AS people get all the time, you are often reluctant to go beyond comfort zone terms of reference. 

    I certainly know my own experience of this (and I'm mild/marginal) but I would have great difficulty moving from a formal to an informal reference to another person. I would also have great difficulty adjusting to another party in a relationship. Its not because I'm rude or insensitive. Its just I'm not getting the reassuring feedback you could look for in other non-AS acquaintances.

    As ever I'm struggling to explain something from inside the problem, and probably not making much sense. Can anyone else confirm this experience?

    I am also inclined to ask, if you are in a relationship with someone you knowe to have As isn't it beholden on you to try to understand their perspective on social interchange, and not expect them to fit smoothly into your world? You don't come over like good friends to me.

  • thanks for your qick responce. it might sound harsh but you are spot on i just need to get the comunicatinon sorted with him now 

  • You need to make it clear to him that unless he tries to interact or bond with your child, theres next to no chance of your relationship getting anywhere. And if hes upset about the amount of time you spend with your daughter, attempt to explain: shes your daughter. And shes 19 months old. I've got two half brothers about that age and they need 24/7 supervision or they'll be finding ways of making chairs fall on them etc.

    Sorry if this sounds pretty harsh but your daughter should always come first. Shes small, helpless, and needs more time and guidance from you than your boyfriend does.