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Undiagnosed AS in AS-NT relationship

doc.s

Hi

I don't know if any AS people here can advise.  I've posted on other forums but think I may get more response here.

I have been in a predominantly long-distance relationship with a guy who has massively obvious AS traits... but seems not to really recognise it/identify as such.  We have had various conversations where his descriptions of what he calls 'the way he is' are text-book AS yet now he appears completely unaware.

All was going really well until, for a range of possible/likely reasons after coming home/repatriating, he withdrew and shutdown completely.  I finally tracked him down (after three weeks of him being 'missing') - he is hiding out in his mum's house. I called him there and after saying he'd call me back, then not doing, then not answering the phone, he emailed and said it was 'best' if we didn't see each other.  He said until he's in a good place it was wrong to involve anyone else.  My sixth sense screamed at me that he didn't actually want me to go away - but was pushing me away ?why. 

I went to see him that afternoon and as soon as he opened the door he said, and it was obvious, that he was pleased to see me.  Amongst other things I told him that I wasn't about to walk away from him and that if he wanted me to go away and not try to contact him again he would have to tell me so.  I asked if that's what he wanted and he said 'no'. I told him that I love him. 

We chatted for 40 mins and he gave me three huge hugs (the third was extremely long for him - has given quite brief hugs previously) in that time... and said 'we'll see how it goes, see how I am next week, maybe we could do dinner'.  I rather think he was being overoptimistic but would like to be able to do that...

Now, I am certain that the whole picture is one of AS... but don't think he knows.  I don't know his mother to speak to about this, really, but know she's worried about him.

I have sent him a postcard just to tell him I'm thinking of him and will wait.

I'm wondering if there's anything else I can do to help at all?  What I want to achieve is that he is comfortable to, and does, get in touch with me when he's able.  If I could establish some communication with his mother that would be great too, but my main objective is to maintain what relationship I have had with him.

If anyone has any advice for me I'd really appreciate it.

Thank you.

  • After taking me out for dinner just over a week ago, I try to get in touch with him again by email and receive (a day later) a couple of paragraphs of how he is, how everything is fine, he's doing well, he's decided he's not going to settle in the UK... (though 8 days ago he told me he was planning on 'staying local'... before that, for a long time, was always going to settle abroad)... and then he writes..


    "But you need to move on from me. We can keep in contact as friends but I now know I cannot be tied to a relationship, and so its is best that we close things off before it becomes more intense.
    I just cant face that responsibility and I hope you will appreciate that I am honest enough to state my true position. I wish you all the very best for the future and it will always be good to hear your news, but I believe its best we dont meet when I get back."

    Ouch. Ouch ouch ouch.

    I hurt like hell but maybe it's all for the best.

    He's has some weird views if he thinks I have friends who believe 'it's best we don't meet' (!) and for whom I have no contact details other than an email address... and who think it's okay to end a relationship by email at all.

    Part of me thinks he doesn't want to see me when he comes back because he knows he can't stay resolute if I'm in front of him and he 'feels' stuff.  I don't think I can give him the choice: I am worth more.

  • Oh, to answer.  Does he want you to leave him alone?  Yes and no.  It's pretty dualistic!  I'm not sure there is a simple answer.  i can't say for sure, but if it was me, I'd love it if you came to visit.  Though ideally with some warning of when.  

  • I suppose it's a classic situation.  You don't want to push people away but sometimes your anxiety can flare up and you know yourself that things aren't right, so you push people away because you find it difficult to deal with the situations.  You don't want to feel like that.  In fact, for me I hate it.  It's horrible because you can rationalise it and you know it's completely irrational and illogical...and that's the most annoying part.  

    At the same time you want to see people.  You just don't want them to see you like that. I get embarrassed.  And there is always the worry, no matter what they say, no matter what books they claim to have read on the subject, that they will shun you and reject you because of how you are.  So you withdraw until you are in a better position.  Esp if you worry you will say something bad to the other person, either inappropriate or an outburst through an extremely charged emotional state that you later regret.

    In short, you want to see people but you know when you aren't right, so you withdraw until things calm down.  It's probably most upsetting to us as we are in this situation that annoys us, we know the illogicality of it, and we can't do anything about it.  Reducing the triggers, i.e.:people and situations, helps.  

    Its complicated.  Sometimes we don't really know ourselves why, we just know we should withdraw for a bit to feel better.

  • Although I obviously had AS (I've only just been diagnosed at the age of 62), when I was younger, I didn't know.  Such a condition was not known to exist out of the journals of psychiatry and psychology. 

    But I was young once (and still am if the truth be told).  And my experience with relationships was that I just did not know how to handle it.  I liked the idea, but could not continue seeing someone past the first couple of dates.  Not even knowing what to do on a date didn't help (I didn't like socialising although I tried to fit in, and things like a restaurant was a real no-no for me). 

    So I think you will have to have an enormous amount of patience.  I know the person who became my first wife certainly had a great deal of patience).  And understanding.  Knowing that sometimes he will say things he doesn't mean.  And I certainly wouldn't have thanked anyone for trying to change me.

    So if you have the patience, and considering the long term implications, you want to continue, don't give up on him yet.  It may not be easy.  Let him express himself, listen and take an interest in what he has to say and don't judge. And if you are serious, you never know what will happen.

  • I guess my concern is given that he's so withdrawn - not reading messages, not answering anyone (he did very clearly say that it's not me, it's 'everyone', and that he just wants to be quiet in a quiet room... though at the same time he was pleased to see me)... is he actually wanting me to leave him alone or not?!

    I figure I can only do what I can do - and if I really want to see him, I'll go see him and see for myself if he wants me to go away.

    I'm having a hard time dealing with this - but if, as he says, this has never happened before, maybe it'll just be this time I have to deal with it..

  • For me, I'm similar.  I also suffer from depression and anxiety and my natural instinct when things are bad is to push people away.  I don't want to burden other people with my problems.  Partly they are my problems and I know usually they do pass.  Partly because history has taught me other people don't want to deal with those problems.  When things go bad with the depression/anxiety on top of the aspie stuff, which people make allowances for I guess, then it often becomes to much for other people.  So the natural instinct is to push others away until you are in a better place.  

    I think getting a postcard would be lovely.